Red Rover, Red Rover, We dare Adults over...

You may not know it but it's summer. Schools are starting to get out, kids are in the street playing basketball, eating popsicles, riding bikes, in general enjoying their lives.

If you haven't noticed, that is because you are, in a word, an adult. Chances are your summer looks a little less like reading books, climbing trees, and going to the local swimming pool, and a little bit more like the inside of a cubicle or similarly meaningless job prison.

Didn't it use to be that summer was the best? You waited all year for it, and you wanted each day to last forever so you could avoid school forever. Now as a reluctant grown-up, I've even chosen to attend school in the summer. My inner 8 year-old is appalled. Well, she would be, if she could pry herself away from Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Old Clock long enough to pass judgment on the terrible shame that is my life.

Becoming an adult is probably one of the most truly awful experiences you can have. Now that I've passed all of the entrance exams, I am sitting in the airport terminal waiting for the next big milestones to take off. (The most important being having a child to vicariously enjoy summer through, because it's okay to sit on the ground and draw with sidewalk chalk if you're with a kid. Not so much if you're by yourself. This just in: your neighbors will think you're crazy.)

The stupid thing is that this is what we wanted, to grow up. 8 year-old Anna would be so excited if she knew I had a house and a car and my very own cat. (She'd be a little less enthused that it wasn't a Barbie Dream House, that it wasn't a blue mustang convertible, and she'd be really upset to learn about litter boxes.) Somehow along the way we missed hearing the part where we'd have to trade racing our bikes in the street for worrying about the rising cost of energy to run our cars and air conditioners, red rover for paychecks, and catching fireflies for sitting in traffic.

But this is ludicrous. Why should we have to take this? I think it's time for every adult in America, nay, the world, to revolt. Worldwide summer vacation! If I want to skip out on work and go to the beach, there should be nothing my boss can say about it but, "Have a great time! Enjoy summer!" Forget the gas tax holiday, how about just a holiday?

Now, there will be some among you, namely economists, who think this is a terrible idea. But, "I'm not going to put my lot in with economists." But, at the end of the day, it's true that it probably wouldn't be that great for the economy if people could just randomly take off to enjoy a summer activity. So, we'll probably just have to use the hours a day that are wasted at American workplaces to enjoy our favorite summer pasttime at our desks.

How to Make the Most of Your Summer While Also Making the Most of Your Job:
1. Draw a hopscotch board between your desk and the copier.
2. Attempt to get a tan from the florescent light above your desk by spreading out your beach towel, throwing on your shades, and plopping down with a celebrity gossip magazine. Remember to turn every 15 minutes.
3. Replace the coffee pot with a frozen margarita machine.
4. For lunch, grill hot dogs and hamburgers at your desk.
5. Start a pickup baseball game in the breakroom or hallway.
6. Jazz up your afternoon can of Diet Coke with a paper umbrella.
7. Start a game of Capture the Flag between departments. It's against the rules to hide your flag in the boss's office.
8. Ride your bike not only to work, but to run errands, and to visit co-workers. Fellow employees will see that not only do you care about the environment, but you know how to have a good time. Women should be careful not to catch their heels in the pedals.
9. Put on your favorite bathing suit, flippers, and a swim mask when it's your turn to replace the tank in the water cooler.
10. Occasionally set off fireworks. Imagine how fantastic they will look shooting up over your cubicle wall. (Might want to stay in the bathing suit for when the sprinklers go off.)

Please note: I am not responsible for your imminent firing.