So I suppose the polite and nice thing to do would be to make up some sort of excuse as to why I didn't blog for, oh, most of July. But then I thought, no. The Leader of the Free World spends most of August on his dude ranch (Heeeey Dude) and damnit I deserve a vacation too. I mean, I at least phoned it in with that pseudo-lame ADT entry. The only way to get W in from clearing brush and mucking stalls is to tell him there's a good opportunity to start a war. (Incidentally, telling him Laura is back from the grocery store and she bought Twinkies also works.)However, now, without me even noticing, it has somehow become August. And while terrifying in and of itself, I realize that I have missed some moments of contact with each of you, and most importantly, you, my loyal readers, have been unable to obtain knowledge and interact with me on a weekly basis. And for this, I will apologize.
You may have noticed that this blog is blue now. If you didn't notice that it is blue rather than brown, you might want to consider having some sort of medical care either immediately or at least within the next 48-72 hours. Can't let those head injuries go for too long. You never know what might happen to you. (Insert easy Bush head injury joke here.)
A number of things have happened in my life since we last conversed, or at least you were last forced to listen to/read my musings on a bizarre topic. What's happened lately:
- --rediscovered my love for Journey
- --became unreasonably good at the clown game on Wii Carnival Games
- --half-assedly learned to be ethical
- --turned my blog blue
- --developed an addiction to Chili's
- --spent an entire afternoon watching drunk people attempt to swim
- --cut my viewings of Superbad down to bi-weekly
- --took multiple online vacations, as it was all I could afford the time and money for
- --Shark Week
- --remembered success at avoiding Napoleon Dynamite and decided to try not to see The Dark Knight
- --purchased multiple items I could not afford
- --learned from John McCain that Czechoslovakia reunited- so excited!
- --considered taking a trip to Czechoslovakia but found the building of time machine to be cost prohibitive
But the most important thing that is happening in my life, or actually in the world's life, is that the Olympics start this week.
China is really really going all out for this experience. In the equivalent of a college student hiding the booze and pushing all the dirty laundry under the bed when their mom is coming, the Chinese government has instituted a series of reforms:
- +This past week they asked restaurant owners to make the ultimate sacrifice and remove dog meat from their dishes while there are those visiting their country who might prefer to cuddle a puppy rather than digest one. However, they are still allowed to serve donkey. So, don't worry. It's just donkey.
- +Unfortunately, our athletes and athletes all over the world seem to be concerned about silly, insignificant things like being blown up by terrorists before their competition, or breathing in a plethora of pollutants. However, China has made sure that the coughing, bleeding athletes will not feel awkward. Never one to allow their citizens to act of their own volition, posters have been placed all over Beijing, reminding each person of the "Big 8"- the eight things never to ask a foreigner: age, salary, love life, health, income, political views, religious beliefs or personal experiences. Because if there's one thing I hate when I'm visiting a foreign country, it's when the friendly citizens walk up to me and demand to know how long it's been since I've had sex. Such a frequent problem! Thank you China for meeting my needs.
- +China is graciously agreeing to spare us from seeing the more unsavory portions of their country, closing the basement door so we don't see their storage boxes and dirty laundry. China wants you to stay in the living room. And never never never open the door and peek in at Tibet.
- +Finally, China is willing to say what we're all thinking. Keep those people with "mental diseases" away from the Olympics! Here's hoping Team Spirit isn't a mental disease. Though, I guess it depends on the team. Canadian shotputters? Who cares. I'm saving my enthusiasm for the 2010 Jamaican Bobsled Team.
Posts
