Sorry!

So, I didn't blog today. I know. It's official. I suck.

It's a funny story really: I had a final yesterday, I have one on Friday, and I have two more next week.

Wait. That's not at all funny.

So I'll be back May 7. Mark it on your calendars.

Good luck on finals everyone!

Thanks for reading regularly. Love, Anna

A Brief History of Social Interaction

So if you're reading this, and you don't have facebook... I'm sorry but, who doesn't have facebook? I don't understand how you are able to function on a daily basis. How do you know if your friends love The Hills? How do you know if Thirsty Thursday is coming up? How do you stalk your third grade crush?

I am so confused.

Well, for you, the socially out of touch, and all the rest of us, facebook has come along way. I don't claim to have been there since the inception, but I have been a member since just shortly after it came to UK, I am not going to lie. I have celebrated more than two birthdays having my inbox flooded with my facebook friends replacing personal greetings with off-hand postings made late at night and I have had more than one relationship status change quickly broadcast to all my nearest and dearest... and that boy from the dorms... and the girl I had Honors English with my freshman year... and that one guy that wants to be friends with everyone on facebook. Facebook was a comparatively rudimentary form of communication back then. (When I was your age, sonny, facebook was only for college students...) Can we even remember life before we could join a group to tell all our friends that we f-ing loved Saved by the Bell? And how did we ever live when all we were able to do was add and message random people from our past?

Now, we can know their every move.

Facebook has gotten, in one carefully crafted and fully accredited word, stalkery. Now you facebook oldtimers can sit back in your virtual rocking chairs and remember a day when you logged on and suddenly your homepage, previously listing only the pokes you had received (poke war!!!), was a listing of each activity undertaken by each of your friends on that particular day. This feature was met with resistance at first, until people realized how ridiculously much they loved stalking their friends. Finally, you could know the exact moment your friend stopped thinking "Dane Cook is the funniest man on Earth!!!!" or they no longer are of the opinion that "Come on, fart jokes are just funny!!!!!!!" Now no one has to be broken up, in a relationship, or engaged for more than 20 seconds without reading a kind of word of condolences or congratulations.

An additional stalkery feature, and what is in my opinion the most stalkery feature, is the new ads. I feel like someone is standing outside my living room watching me and tailoring ads to fit my specific habits and activities. Facebook is constantly suggesting I would be much happier if only I were to take them up on their offer of membership to an exclusive democratic dating site. "You don't have to be lonely anymore!" it admonishes me. (query: How would facebook know I was lonely? I mean, I do have 700 friends.) When I was briefly engaged to the lovely Miss Courtney Ross, facebook was right there, ready to help me plan my wedding. And now it has a number of breakup and dating resources for me. Facebook has also presented both sides of the weight loss issue: some days telling me that it's okay, Not All Women are Skinny and some days providing me with weight loss solutions. To this I say, how the hell does facebook know I'm fat? I am clearly being stalked by the Mark Zuckerberg equivalent of the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys. (perhaps flying hundred dollar bills?) Oh but dear friends, it is not just me. Facebook is also stalking you on my behalf to let me know that I have resources to perform an intervention, because apparently some of you need it. According to facebook, one of you has a relationship with me that is just being destroyed because of your penchant for collecting spoons. Clearly facebook thinks I am someone who needs to come before your damn spoon collection.

All told, though, facebook has completely revolutionized the way we communicate, and that is to say by making it possible for us to not actually have to interact with someone, while simultaneously getting the credit for socializing. It is, in a word, brilliant. (other possible words to describe it: creepy, huge waster of time, gigantic distraction)

Which brings us to the present. This week, facebook has once again changed our lives by introducing this brand-new way to stalk people: facebook chat. Most of us were blissfully studying for finals, enjoying the return of new tv, or taking the time to actually be productive members of society, when BAM facebook out of nowhere had a new feature. Now we clearly must spend a significant percentage of our day sending test messages to our friends. "Hey, does this really work?!?!" "Just testing out the new feature!!!"

Perhaps knowingly, or maybe completely accidentally, facebook has upped the amount of drama in our lives. (Sidenote: when you attempt to quit facebook, it asks you if you are leaving because of all the social drama it is causing. There is so much drama on this site. It's like a drama site.) Now when you get online, you have the option, and let's just say blatant temptation, to send a message to that guy you liked in high school that you never really got up the nerve to talk to. This is likely not a great idea. (obvious exception: you grew out of your awkward phase and got totally hot and he is single) Also, now you have the option to chat with that girl you sat by in fifth grade.

A conversation that I imagine will go something like this:
You: Oh my god, hi! How are you?
Her: Great, you?
You: I'm good. What are you up to now?
Her: I am going to school in Florida. What are you doing?
You: Oh, I'm still in Lexington. I'm in law school.
Her: When do you graduate?
You: Oh... not for a couple of years. You?
Her: 2009
You: Cool.

aaaaaaand that's pretty much all you have to say to each other. But what do you do? You've established a conversation! You have to come up with more things to say! And do you have to talk to her whenever you see her online now? TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I haven't decided how I feel about facebook chat, though I was willing to engage in it for a large portion of the day (research for my blog, of course). If it had some sort of way to indicate an expression of sarcasm, it would have the edge on AIM, and it would prevent 50% of all the arguments between the couples of the world.

So basically, what I'm saying here is, facebook has ruined my life. It is my personal belief that Mark Zuckerberg only invented it as a way to distract the entire rest of the world so he could accomplish more and get rich. Mission accomplished, Mark, mission accomplished.

How To...

It occurs to me that most of you are probably relying on my blog for more than just to get you through Property without dozing off. Yes, most of you are relying on my blog as a handy and succinct guide to live your lives, right?

See, I knew it.

So today, I provide you with some of my handiest "how to" tips, which no doubt you'll want to implement immediately.

HOW TO BARGAIN SHOP
Groceries:
The first thing you'll want to do is make a grocery list. Be sure to put every imaginable thing you could possibly want on the list, cost is no limit. This allows you to spend a maximum amount of time standing in the snack food aisle determining whether you really can justify buying 8 different types of pretzels. Finals are coming, so you can. (Helpful Hint: Any calories you consume while studying don't count! This does not mean you can just hold a casebook while you eat a whole cake. I mean actively studying- putting in a dvd and opening books all around you while you eat.)

When you arrive at the grocery store, start all the way in the far right aisle (This is my favorite aisle, the cheese aisle, in my Kroger. I don't know about yours.)

Now follow these steps:
1. Pick up item you have on list.
2. Look immediately to the right and left of the item you wish to purchase. Identify store brand.
3. Replace the desired item, with the only psychologically less desirable off-brand item. (Seriously, Kroger's "spaghetti-rings with meat" tastes exactly the same as "spaghetti-o's with meatballs.")

You should follow these steps with every item you wish to buy.

Exception to the Rule: There are three items you NEVER want to cheap out on or else you will be very sorry. Fortunately, this handy mnemonic device will assist you.

The Three T's of Bargain Shopping:
Tequila
Tampons
Toilet Paper

Clothing:
Bargain shopping for clothes can be a bit trickier (to borrow a bit of the Ausness lexicon). The key to bargain shopping for clothes is justification. Someone once told me that if you can think of three places to wear an item of clothing you should get it. But really, can't you justify two? Especially if it's two you spend a lot of time at, such as school or work? And honestly, one will probably be enough. I mean, maybe that dress (or suit, to be gender inclusive) you want to buy for your friend's wedding is really expensive, but lots of your friends will get married and you'll need something to wear for those too, right? (Helpful Hint: Brides tend to get upset if you show up to their weddings naked!) You'll simply put this on your credit card and then not go out to eat until you pay it off, right? Yep, that's exactly what Visa wants you to think.

The gist: As long as you can justify it's okay! And remember, people are constantly inundating you with free t-shirts, so it's not like you'll go naked if you blow your whole clothing budget on a new pair of shoes.

HOW TO PROCRASTINATE PRODUCTIVELY
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." That's really cute. If you live your life by this maxim, might I suggest you use your unencumbered free time to cross-stitch that onto a throw pillow and leave me the hell alone. The rest of us understand that 90% of any good project is procrastination. For example, I spent 20 minutes looking at cartoons and pictures that came up when I google image searched "procrastination" before beginning to write this blog.

Steps for Effective Procrastination*:
1. Make a list of everything that needs to be done. Start with the important schoolwork or other pressing tasks to accomplish. Then look around. What else needs to be done? Be sure to add to your list every single thing. Also, if things have multiple steps, you should list them separately. Example: "do dishes" breaks down into "empty dishwasher" and "load dishwasher" From cleaning out your e-mail inbox, to organizing your desktop, to taking out the garbage, to writing the 20 page paper that's due tomorrow, everything should be given equal weight.
2. Start with the simplest task to accomplish. Check it off! Take a break. You've e-mailed your aunt back, so now you deserve to watch a half hour of tv. And while you're at it, don't you need to clean out your DVR? You'll need to check that off, no matter how long it takes.
3. Gather and sort all your laundry. It will be unnecessary to begin the washing process. You can do that later.
4. It is undoubtedly time to eat a meal at this point. Probably dinner. Do that.
5. After dinner is a perfect time to do the dishes.
6. Accomplish any tasks on your list that involve cleaning. It is impossible, or at least improbable, to get any work done when your house is such a mess!
7. Of course it is unnecessary to accomplish everything on your list, but as long as the majority of the simple tasks have been completed, you can call it a success! If it is not midnight, you can continue to do the rest of your list, or (and this is a clear choice) take a well deserved break.
8. Midnight. Alright. It's time to start the thing that's due tomorrow.
9. Oh my god, did you forget to blog? And what's happening in the world? Better check cnn.com. Oh and facebook. Wouldn't want to miss a single status update.

*Note: Some people, after creating a list, will create a schedule. For example, one might say, "It's 3:00 now. I will finish my blog and read contracts and be out of here by 5:00." A true procrastinator will finish her blog around 4:30 and then play a number of games of Mario online ("I'll just play until I die"). At 5:00, she would be able to justify just going on home with her books. ("I'll get work done there, I'm sure.")

HOW TO DRESS FOR THE WEATHER
My third and final How To tip for the day is important especially for the large number of my avid readers who are not Kentuckians. If Kentucky were to have seasons, we would have two: Summer and Autwintmerspring. In Autwintmerspring, the season that encompasses 10 of the 12 months of the year (excluding July and August), the weather is liable to change with a mere second's notice. That means you have to be very prepared when you leave the house in the morning. You'll want to be sure to dress for a 50 degree temperature range as well as any sort of foreseeable precipitation. (Helpful Hint: In ice or a medium amount of snow, you will usually get to leave wherever you are and head home early.)

Suggested Outfit:
Shoes- Flip flops are cool and breezy when it's hot outside, and are adaptable to lots of precipitation as feet do in fact dry. Flip flops are not great when it's snowing, however, which is why I recommend keeping a spare pare of rainboots with you at all times.

Pants- Those pants that unzip and become shorts. They probably have a name, most likely it's something clever like, "Perfect Kentucky Pants" or "These Pants Are the Kind that Become Shorts." The benefit to these pants, is that in case of hot weather, the pieces you unzipped off can become a visor, or handkerchief to mop up.

Shirt: This is going to require layers. First: spaghetti strap tank top or sleeveless undershirt (are the kids still calling these "wifebeaters"?) Next short-sleeved t-shirt. Follow this up with a long sleeved t-shirt, then a hooded sweatshirt ( hoodies- the only fanny pack it's been acceptable to wear since 1995) . You will want to carry a thick winter coat with you at all times as well.

Hat: You'll definitely need a hat, either a sun hat, baseball cap, or toboggan. You can carry the spares with you as well.

You're probably wondering how in the world you're supposed to carry all these things with you. Haven't you ever wondered why so many people have those wheelie backpacks?


Alright. I don't want to overwhelm you, so go ahead and implement these three pieces of advice to affirmatively change your life. Then, when I feel you're ready, grasshopper, I will be glad to continue your training.

A Handy Dandy Guide to Girls

Now, I've gotten a lot of criticism of my ongoing series on how to live your life (you know, Part One: Dance Dance Exculpation and Part Two: Personal Negative Attack Ads). In fact, one of my more aggressively critical fans was nice enough to tell me those were my worst and second worst entries respectively.

So in honor of said critic, whom we will call "Shmarnell SmcCoy" (wouldn't want to embarass you, Darnell!), I present the first part of my second ongoing (neverending?) series, my guide to male-female relationships.


Part One: Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Girl*

*It is important to note that many of these apply to all relationships with women, not just romantic relationships. You know that your sister is going to be just as mad as your girlfriend if you insinuate she's gained some weight, right? I hope you do, or else this is going to be a very very long series.

#10: You're being irrational.
Our threshold into the world of foolish men is dedicated to Mr. SmcCoy himself. This was the first thing he learned about girls. And let me tell you, he learned this the hard way. Girls do not want to hear this when you are arguing with them. Mostly because we are not being irrational. You may not be following our logic, but it's not our fault that you're stupid. Along with this, when we are arguing, you should not ever ever ever ever say, "why are you being a bitch?" This will not go over well. Don't believe me? Try it. Some of you may have already tried it... with your ex-girlfriends.

#9: Are you wearing that?
You wear a shirt you picked up off the floor and smelled to make sure it was okay to wear and we spend 2 hours getting ready and then you have the nerve to critique our outfit? Yes, yes we are really wearing that. We've probably been planning to wear that for several days. Are you really wearing that pair of jeans for the 4th day in a row? Oooh and sandals. How original. Additionally, we get zits. We don't want to talk about them.

#8: Are you really going to eat that?
Yeah. This one is bad. "Hey, will you get me a cookie?" "Seriously? You already had one." Not good. I don't know if you know this, but similarly to men, women also require food to, you know, survive. The last thing I need to hear is you question my one cookie when I've just sat and watched you eat an entire pizza and part of an order of breadsticks.

#7: Are you mad?
Guys, if you have to ask, the answer is yes. Also, if you ask and we're only slightly irritated, that will definitely push us off the cliff and into the River of Anger. And when we get mad, it is never a good idea to tell us to "calm down." We are calm. We are also rational. (see above)

#6: She is so hot.
No girl really wants to be compared to any other girl. And even when you think you are just making an offhand comment about the attractiveness of say, Kristen Bell, you are actually comparing the girl you are talking to to the girl you are lusting after. I mean really, none of us (or at least very few of us) are delusional enough to think we can actually be compared to beautiful movie starlets (who by the way have stylists and assistants). I mean, we have mirrors, but we would really rather just pretend you think we're more beautiful. And so you should also pretend.

#5: You remind me of my mom.
Gross. This is not hot. This will cause us to spend hours discussing your Oedipus complex with our girlfriends. And, it will do the most unfortunate thing of all: open our eyes to the ways you're like our fathers. Poof! (That was the magic disappearing instantly.)

#4: My ex would have.
No no no no no no no. We hear, "my ex was way better than you." And unless your ex is me, this is never an appropriate thing to say to a girl. If I may reiterate, we do not like to be compared to other women (occasional exception for a list of the ways we're better than another girl). It is additionally unfair to use this as a persuasion tactic. Especially in the bedroom. This is most likely going to result in you camping out in the living room, or making the long walk of shame back to your apartment at 2 a.m. Neither of which are ideal, as I'm sure you can agree.

#3: What you should do is...
I'm pretty sure I cannot say this enough. This is an extremely important point, so guys, those of you who have not just written me off as a crazy manhating feminist and have managed to read this far, pay special attention. When I come home from school, work, the gym (ha!), my parents' house, or anywhere really, I want to TELL you about the problem I had there, or relate the extended conversation I had with my mom about how poorly I'm living my life. The very last thing I want to hear is your ideas on how I can fix the situation. Chances are good I already know how to fix it (sidenote: My method of choice usually is pretend it didn't happen.) What I want is for you to listen to the problem, say things like, "oh that's terrible" and "awww" at the appropriate times. Men, repeat this several times to yourselves: Sympathy not Solutions.

#2: I was going to but...
This one has implications in the cardinal rule of existence: Do what you say you're going to do. Chances are pretty good that most problems can be solved by following that simple mantra.

Under this heading, there are two possible ways you can go with this. The first is making an excuse as in, "I was going to call but instead I played video games and then fell asleep." Next time, call before you pick up the controller. Fight avoided.

The second is almost worse but not quite. It's "I was going to bring you flowers but I didn't." or "I was going to make you a nice dinner, but instead I just ordered pizza." If you were going to do something nice, I can see where you might think mentioning it would gain you points, but believe me, it does not. In fact, in the long run, you lose points because you've mentioned that you were going to be thoughtful and nice but decided not to. We'll just want to know why you decided not to. And then your whole evening is ruined. Never good.

#1: Are you on your period or something?
I can't imagine something I want a man to say to me less. It's right up there with, "I cheated on you with your sister." (And that would be especially bad for me since I'm an only child.) I mean, really, if I am on my period, the very last thing you want me to do is TALK ABOUT IT. So really, you want to bring it up?


Men, you'll want to print this out and laminate it immediately so you can keep it in your wallet and refer to it in social situations. I cannot even begin to describe how much happier your life will be if you just avoid these ten simple phrases. You'll get to avoid hearing rants like this. And this is an extreme rant. I mean, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I'm on my period or something.



Special Thanks to JoAnna, Court, Kelsey, Rosie, Jamie, Caroline, Todd, Hunter, and Tom for assisting me in compiling this list. Tom, you might want to say things in your head before you say them to girls though. "stop crying" ??? Also, thanks to Darnell, but he didn't know he was helping. He was just being himself.