What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Please note: I'm sure you thought that because I blogged late, today's "blawg" entry would be twice as good (or at least one day more as good). Well, you were wrong. Be prepared to be disappointed.

The only thing I've ever really wanted to be when I grew up was a Lego Artist. As in, an artist that uses legos as a medium (see above). Contest: The first person to successfully name the painting (and artist) on whom the lego art is based wins some sort of yet to be determined fabulous prize or perhaps nothing but the glory of enjoying art. Yeah, probably nothing.

Over the course of my life, like most people unless you're just completely unmotivated, I've wanted to be a number of things:
veterinarian (vetoed because of spelling difficulties)
astronaut (math? science? what?, also is difficult to spell)
veterinarian/astronaut (in case NASA wanted to go back to using monkeys and dogs)
Broadway star
teacher (every bossy little girl goes through this phase... not that I was bossy or anything...)
lead singer for a famous band
doctor
movie star (of course)
detective (I would be great at the part where you suddenly put on sunglasses and stare thoughtfully away from the camera.)

Then, I got older and my ideal careers got... well... boring:
Marketing Director for a Performing Arts Center or Regional Theatre
Public Relations
Broadway Star

And now it's:
Lawyer

... sigh

However, my search for the perfect career has by no means ended now that I have ostensibly chosen a direction in life. I personally see no reason why I should choose a reasonable career when I have such a great future in Lego Art. I assume, I've never actually tried.

Here are some things I've wanted to be today:

Something Undercover
Okay, so up until just a few minutes ago, I thought the only undercover things you could be were like, famed British spies, international men of mystery, or police officers trying to break up things like, say, a prostitution ring involving a governor. But then today, I discovered that you can be an undercover fisherman! So that begs the all-important question: What else is undercover? What if the kind of mean and loud woman who makes the sandwiches at the Twisty Tree is undercover? How about the old man at Dirty Phil's? Maybe you even have an undercover roommate. In a world where information is at a premium, it is imminently foreseeable that everyone could have spies everywhere. Does crabby Twisty Tree lady secretly work for Subway, learning the secrets of the Kentucky Club panini? I warn you, readers, look at your friends and family more carefully. It doesn't really matter for what; it is my firm intention to become undercover...or maybe I already am.

A Writer for Saturday Night Live
You may say I have an inflated sense of my own comedic writing talents (especially while reading this terrible entry) but I say: have you seen it lately? can I really be worse?

President of the United States
It's a shame that after November, I will no longer have the opportunity to become the first woman president, but I still want to be president nonetheless. I have a number of really important platform issues and campaign promises such as women's rights, March Madness to be declared a national holiday with all offices and schools closed during games, amnesty for illegal immigrants (will likely still be an issue in 12 years when I am eligible to run), abolishment of term limits so I can be president forever, mandatory arts education in public schools, more free burrito days at Chipotle, and the list goes on and on and on. It might be a pipe dream, however, so at the very least Governor of Kentucky. Those guys can get away with anything.

Stranded on a Desert Isle
What I really want out of this: peace and quiet, a nice tan, an unlimited supply of non-legal books, and the ability to go swimming every day. The best way to accomplish this is probably survivable plane crash near a string of uninhabited islands. Or a storm arising on my three hour tour. Sidenote: What were they on a three hour tour of? Marginally habitable islands easily accessed by natives and crazy people but not by the Coast Guard?


But I'm pretty sure I will stick with Lego Artist, it's the only thing that seems very lucrative. And by lucrative, I of course mean waiting until I retire and relying on my pension after an undeniably brilliant but dull career as a lawyer.

Please Forgive Me

The Terrible Tale of an Overworked Law Student: A Limerick

By Anna Girard

There once was a girl facing Law School.
At first it was great, and she thought she was cool.
Then her appellate brief was due,
And though she wanted to be true,
This week she must blog on Thursday.

My New BFF

Hey, bitches. I don't know if you've heard, but Paris Hilton is in the market for a new BFF. (This means "best friend forever" for all you losers/clueless mothers out there.) It's quite a competition, though, so you'll need to bring your A Game.

Now that's hot.

MTV, always looking to make The Next Great Ridiculous Reality Television Show, has offered to help Paris on her quest. Instead of relying on school, work, or hobbies to develop friendships with those around her with similar personalities or common interests, Paris Hilton is oh so lucky to be able to streamline this entire process with http://parisbff.com. You, loyal fans of Paris, can peruse the profiles and vote for your top choice. I mean, who knows her better than the millions of strangers with internet access? So convenient for the socialite on-the-go, too busy to form her own friendships!

Having spent a lot of time on this website today, I can affirmatively tell you that there are a number of viable candidates for the job. The current Number One goes by the name of BenjyBenjy and is a self-described bitchy, fierce, and uberfierce gentleman. What a combination!!

Always thinking, the savvy Miss Hilton has allowed you to post your collection of videos, blogs, and photos that best exemplify why you are the perfect friend for her. She only asks you three questions. And indeed, they are the three questions that I ask most people I intend to become friends with (just ask Todd).

#1: What's the wildest thing you've ever done?
#2: What's a secret you wouldn't want to come out when you become famous?
#3: How would you fit into my socialite circle?

Without a doubt, the profiles and videos are giving Paris a lot of options, but I wanted to submit a few more, considering I have a fundamental difference of opinion with Paris as to how she spends her time and money. (I think Rosie said it best when she said, "She has millions of dollars. She could eat anything she wants. Why is she skinny?")


Susan B. Anthony
Despite being rather dead, I feel Susan B. Anthony would be a calming influence to Paris. A reminder of a "simpler time" when women had absolutely no rights whatsoever. Paris could use a little reminding of a time when women were prevented from owning property, could not own businesses, were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments, and couldn't just run around in tiny skirts, carrying tiny dogs, and having a ridiculously large impact on the lives of ordinary citizens. Wildest thing she's ever done? Getting arrested for voting illegally. Secret she wouldn't want to come out when she's famous? She never learned how to do long division. (Not to be preachy, but seriously, her teacher refused to teach her because she was a woman.) Role in Paris Hilton's socialite circle? Maybe she could get those girls to care about something more than cocaine and nice cars.

Sue Johanson
The 77 year-old host of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson, has at least one common interest with Paris: sex. Wildest thing she's ever done? Opened the first birth control clinic at a high school in Canada. Secret? If you've seen her show (Sunday nights on Oxygen), you know that this woman has no secrets. Role in the socialite circle? Running down the street after the girls, waving handfuls of condoms.

Margaret Sanger
A lady on my top 10 favorites list, Margaret Sanger and Paris Hilton have another important interest in common: birth control. Paris Hilton probably couldn't name who was responsible for the drug that's revolutionized her life, but that would be Ms. Margaret Sanger. Wildest thing she's ever done? She was wild and crazy and violated the Comstock Law and various obscenity laws by distributing information on how women can limit the number of pregnancies they have and encouraging the use and development of birth control. Secret she wouldn't want to get out? She had an affair with H.G. Wells. Role in the socialite circle? Probably cooking for the group... or... you know... disseminating birth control.

Sandra Day O'Connor
One of my all-time favorite women and all-around great person, Paris Hilton would be lucky to have her as her sidekick. Known for her logical, methodical decision making, Paris might not like having to wait for her opinion to get published, but she'd like it when she got it. Wildest thing she's ever done? Send a pithy reply to a New York Times editorial. Secret she wouldn't want to get out? She dated William Rehnquist in law school. (That's right, folks, choose your law school dates wisely, they could end up being appointed to the same life-long job as you. Kind of sheds a new light on the amicable breakup, right Renee?) Role in the socialite circle? Sewing white frilly collars into all of Paris's dresses and teaching her what a nice pearl necklace really means.


Honorable Mention: Barack Obama
Though, not a woman and thus lacking my prerequisite (What? Could this have been a secret excuse to teach a mini-lesson on Women's History?), Barack Obama would be an excellent friend for Paris Hilton. In fact, he's an obvious choice. He's tall, really hot right now, and would look undeniably great carrying a teacup chihuahua in a pink sweater. Wildest thing he's done? He inhaled (because that was the point.) Secret he wouldn't want to come out when he's famous? Check this out: he's already famous. If he had a secret, we'd know it. Or at the very least Hillary Clinton knows it and we'll find out on April 21st. How would he fit into Paris's socialite circle? I see his role as mostly that of hope. As in, hoping she doesn't get arrested that evening.


Alright, I've got to go make my video for parisbff.com.

My Other Car is a Porsche

If there's one thing I don't approve of, it's people who forget to blog on their appointed blog day.

If there's a second thing I don't approve of, it's bumper stickers. Not just for cars anymore, even facebook allows you to send your wittiest one-liners to all your friends, free of charge. Bumper stickers are dangerous for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that some people might come perilously close to rear-ending people while reading their bumper sticker... I mean, not that I would ever do something like that of course... Additionally, what if you get tired of letting everyone know that the more people you meet, the more you like your cat? And what if your honor student doesn't do so well this semester?

There are a number of different types of bumper stickers and I will inevitably forget to list some. So deal with it. But I will examine a few of the more popular.

Political
In an unofficial survey, it was discovered that people who live at my house are 67% more likely to cut someone off, or discount their presence on the road if they have a "W. The President." sticker in their window. Though, at this point I suppose a responsible driver should be more aware and allowing of their fellow "W" driver, as that person is clearly an idiot.

While political bumper stickers are the most popular type of bumper sticker (I assume. I don't really know), the danger of political bumper stickers is that your candidate might not pull it out. (See: Kentucky citizens with Ernie Fletcher bumper stickers)

Religious
Those little Ichthus fish are okay. Plus a really easy way to be just super awesome is to get one with little feet on it that says "Darwin." (Please note: In the previous sentence, "just super awesome" means "a douche.")

But, "God is my copilot" is saying exactly what to your fellow drivers? First of all, I am certain that the correct sentiment religiously should be that God is your driver. Additionally, what does it say about your driving? Clearly God is not going to allow any car he is riding in to have an accident. This throws up a giant red flag for me. And on this flag are printed the words, "I am not a careful driver."

Alcohol
Bumper stickers that indicate or promote the use of alcohol are barely worth mentioning because they are entirely ludicrous.

Some examples:
"Drive carefully. You might hit a bump and spill your beer."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"

If you're dead set on getting a bumper sticker that deals with alcohol, might I suggest:

"Please, officer, pull me over and administer the Field Sobriety Test."

Isn't that what you're saying anyway?

The Ex/My Wife...
I sincerely hope that any wife whose husband drives a car that says, "My wife's other car is a broom stick" or "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she'll leave me. Gosh, I'll miss her," is absolutely covered with diamonds. Men, this bumper sticker screams, "I am an idiot. Avoid me on the road like you would a guy with a "W" sticker." (Bonus idiocy points if you have both.)

Additionally, why choose a sticker like, "My ex gave me a reason to live. I want revenge!" or "My ex is proof that evolution is a fairy tale."? Does this not say I am a bitter and vengeful woman who will not think twice about running men off the road? Look out, men. (Especially if this is paired with, "BITCH: Babe In Total Control of Herself" or "Not All Men are Annoying. Some are Dead.")


My Other Car Is...
Let me be clear. No one cares what your "other car" is. Because no one believes you are driving anything other than that old '95 Ford Taurus with the front headlight missing and the back bumper crumpled in.


How's My Driving?
I would be interested to know if anyone actually ever calls in to tell people how their driving is. Or if those are real numbers. What's nice about those is that they give the impression that you actually care what the other drivers on the road think.

What's not nice are any of the following:
"If you can't stand my driving, stay off the sidewalk!"
"Ever had a loaded weapon pointed at you? Keep honking!"
"There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead."

It's so good to know you care about those on the road around you.

But the winner (loser?) is...
Honorable Mention goes to the support ribbons (Support Farting? I think we might have crossed the threshold into supporting too many things. But thank you for doing so much for the war effort by adding that yellow troops magnetic ribbon to your car. I know our men in Iraq and Afghanistan really appreciate it. Almost as much as they'd appreciate supplies and armor.) But the number one car accoutrement that bothers me is the very first thing that any new parents seems to purchase. "Baby on Board" Oh my god, I'm so glad you put that in your window! I was just about to ram my car into yours for no reason. But now that I know there's a baby on board... Wow. Good thing I saw that sign.

Negative Attacks: The Next Generation

As part of my ongoing series teaching you how to solve your problems and make the world a better place (see entry: Dance Dance Exculpation), I present part two: Attack Ads.

Attack Ads have been made popular by everyone's favorite humans: politicians. You may have even heard of or seen a few lately. Courtney Preston (shoutout) tells me there's some sort of election going on right now. I'm not really following it of course, as those of you who speak to me on a regular basis can confirm. However, I hear that there's some fur flying.

An attack ad is, according to Wikipedia, "an advertisement whose message is meant as an attack against another candidate." Apparently, the views stated in such an ad may or may not be true. The first attack ad was used against Barry Goldwater and featured a small girl picking daisies while a voice that sounded suspiciously similar to Barry Goldwater counted backwards from ten. And then BAM nuclear explosion. Another example is an attack ad used by George H.W. Bush which accused Dukakis of supporting criminals' rights to repeatedly stab and rape teenagers. (Sort of puts our current "attack" ads in perspective, though, right?)

But you know, we've all been there. We all have negative things to say about someone. As private citizens, we may not be trying to win an election, but we are trying to win this great contest of life (especially against old boyfriends, former best friends, and those popular bitchy girls from high school). Wouldn't it be great if after that bad breakup, you could take the money you were going to spend on therapy, gym memberships, and pints of ben and jerrys (or porn, for my male readers) and put it to something that will truly make you feel great? An ad, to be played on television or radio, that publicly denounces your former paramour and lists his or her faults for friends, family, and future girlfriends to see?

An example:

(photos of a happy looking man and woman are flashed on the screen, a dark and sinister voice begins...)
Tim Jones and Cindy Smith seemed happy. It appeared that Tim Jones was the perfect boyfriend.
(photos change to Tim Jones at bars, clubs, drunk, and always with other women. The voice continues...)
But when Tim Jones says he's going to shoot hoops with friends, does he really hit the bars with cheap women, drink too much, and then come home and throw up all over the afghan Cindy's grandma made her for her birthday? Is that the kind of boyfriend you'd want?
... Paid for Friends of Cindy Smith

But it certainly doesn't have to be limited to former boyfriends or girlfriends. A prime candidate that I am sure came to the mind of all of you who have been to college, or have read about college, or have watched Saved By The Bell: The College Years, is the roommate. At one point, every single person reading this has had something less than stellar to say about his or her roommate. My former roommates are all reading this and saying, "yes! you never do the dishes!"

An example:
(Pictures of a pristine, well kept apartment flash on the screen. A dark and sinister voice begins...)
Julie Thompson's apartment used to look like this. Until Sarah Anderson moved in.
(Photos change to same apartment, covered with clothes, empty fast food containers, cans, and bottles. The voice continues...)
Sarah Anderson has loud parties at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday when Julie has a test in the morning. Sarah Anderson uses all of the toilet paper in the house and doesn't tell Julie until after she's found out the hard way. Sarah Anderson painted the whole living room with chartreuse and fuschia stripes one day while Julie was at work. Sarah Anderson always flushes the toilet while Julie's in the shower. Could you live with this girl?
... paid for by Roommates for the Eviction of Sarah Anderson

Some of you are now lamenting that you don't have roommates or emotional baggage from past relationships and feel that your potential for attack ads is severely limited by this. I beg to differ. My law school classmates should feel free to make attack ads against those at the top of the class. If you are married, consider an ad to change undesirable behavior in your spouse ("John Stevenson said he'd mow the lawn on Saturday..." "Andy Johnston promised his wife he'd paint the kitchen..." "Stephanie Lewis thinks 'making dinner' means 'ordering pizza'...") Matt Kellner or The Pocket Part could make attack ads against my blog (you should start with something like, "Anna thinks she's so clever and witty..."). A particularly applicable situation to those of you in the working world that regularly peruse my blog on company time (cough Kelsey cough) would be competition amongst co-workers for a promotion.

An example:
(Black screen. Lights come on to reveal an office setting full of cubicles. A dark and sinister voice begins...)
Evan Stevens says he works late. If you consider constantly checking sports scores, secretly dating the boss's daughter, and using the phones to call his brother studying abroad in China valid uses of company time. I also saw him steal a package of post-its once.
... paid for by People for the Promotion of Mike Donaldson to Associate Director of Sales

What Dance Dance Revolution has (I'm sure) already done for your lives in terms of conflict resolution (and exercise!), the potential for Personal Negative Attack Ads will do for your ability to purge your hatred and frustration (and simultaneously slash your former friends and lovers' chances as future happiness!) Think of it as helping their loved ones (or potential dates) to make informed decisions.