Negative Attacks: The Next Generation

As part of my ongoing series teaching you how to solve your problems and make the world a better place (see entry: Dance Dance Exculpation), I present part two: Attack Ads.

Attack Ads have been made popular by everyone's favorite humans: politicians. You may have even heard of or seen a few lately. Courtney Preston (shoutout) tells me there's some sort of election going on right now. I'm not really following it of course, as those of you who speak to me on a regular basis can confirm. However, I hear that there's some fur flying.

An attack ad is, according to Wikipedia, "an advertisement whose message is meant as an attack against another candidate." Apparently, the views stated in such an ad may or may not be true. The first attack ad was used against Barry Goldwater and featured a small girl picking daisies while a voice that sounded suspiciously similar to Barry Goldwater counted backwards from ten. And then BAM nuclear explosion. Another example is an attack ad used by George H.W. Bush which accused Dukakis of supporting criminals' rights to repeatedly stab and rape teenagers. (Sort of puts our current "attack" ads in perspective, though, right?)

But you know, we've all been there. We all have negative things to say about someone. As private citizens, we may not be trying to win an election, but we are trying to win this great contest of life (especially against old boyfriends, former best friends, and those popular bitchy girls from high school). Wouldn't it be great if after that bad breakup, you could take the money you were going to spend on therapy, gym memberships, and pints of ben and jerrys (or porn, for my male readers) and put it to something that will truly make you feel great? An ad, to be played on television or radio, that publicly denounces your former paramour and lists his or her faults for friends, family, and future girlfriends to see?

An example:

(photos of a happy looking man and woman are flashed on the screen, a dark and sinister voice begins...)
Tim Jones and Cindy Smith seemed happy. It appeared that Tim Jones was the perfect boyfriend.
(photos change to Tim Jones at bars, clubs, drunk, and always with other women. The voice continues...)
But when Tim Jones says he's going to shoot hoops with friends, does he really hit the bars with cheap women, drink too much, and then come home and throw up all over the afghan Cindy's grandma made her for her birthday? Is that the kind of boyfriend you'd want?
... Paid for Friends of Cindy Smith

But it certainly doesn't have to be limited to former boyfriends or girlfriends. A prime candidate that I am sure came to the mind of all of you who have been to college, or have read about college, or have watched Saved By The Bell: The College Years, is the roommate. At one point, every single person reading this has had something less than stellar to say about his or her roommate. My former roommates are all reading this and saying, "yes! you never do the dishes!"

An example:
(Pictures of a pristine, well kept apartment flash on the screen. A dark and sinister voice begins...)
Julie Thompson's apartment used to look like this. Until Sarah Anderson moved in.
(Photos change to same apartment, covered with clothes, empty fast food containers, cans, and bottles. The voice continues...)
Sarah Anderson has loud parties at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday when Julie has a test in the morning. Sarah Anderson uses all of the toilet paper in the house and doesn't tell Julie until after she's found out the hard way. Sarah Anderson painted the whole living room with chartreuse and fuschia stripes one day while Julie was at work. Sarah Anderson always flushes the toilet while Julie's in the shower. Could you live with this girl?
... paid for by Roommates for the Eviction of Sarah Anderson

Some of you are now lamenting that you don't have roommates or emotional baggage from past relationships and feel that your potential for attack ads is severely limited by this. I beg to differ. My law school classmates should feel free to make attack ads against those at the top of the class. If you are married, consider an ad to change undesirable behavior in your spouse ("John Stevenson said he'd mow the lawn on Saturday..." "Andy Johnston promised his wife he'd paint the kitchen..." "Stephanie Lewis thinks 'making dinner' means 'ordering pizza'...") Matt Kellner or The Pocket Part could make attack ads against my blog (you should start with something like, "Anna thinks she's so clever and witty..."). A particularly applicable situation to those of you in the working world that regularly peruse my blog on company time (cough Kelsey cough) would be competition amongst co-workers for a promotion.

An example:
(Black screen. Lights come on to reveal an office setting full of cubicles. A dark and sinister voice begins...)
Evan Stevens says he works late. If you consider constantly checking sports scores, secretly dating the boss's daughter, and using the phones to call his brother studying abroad in China valid uses of company time. I also saw him steal a package of post-its once.
... paid for by People for the Promotion of Mike Donaldson to Associate Director of Sales

What Dance Dance Revolution has (I'm sure) already done for your lives in terms of conflict resolution (and exercise!), the potential for Personal Negative Attack Ads will do for your ability to purge your hatred and frustration (and simultaneously slash your former friends and lovers' chances as future happiness!) Think of it as helping their loved ones (or potential dates) to make informed decisions.