The Five Things That Make Men Hot

or, Another of Anna's Brilliant Theories

Disclaimer:
Prior to writing my blog entry each week, I like to run my topic past one or two people, generally whoever happens to be either at my table in the library or available on instant messenger. If they laugh, then I figure I'm on the right track. This week I had mixed responses:


Renee Ferrell: "Well, if you can't think of anything better."
Sarah Walling: "Oooh. I like your universal truths... they are... well... universal..."

So, do with that what you will.

The Five Things That Make Men Hot

To begin with, I would like to mention that there are numerous meanings to the term, "hot." Webster's Dictionary... okay, dictionary.com, defines Hot in about 78,000 different ways. The way I see it, there are a limited number of categories of hotness:

Al Roker Hot
This refers to "temperature hot" as in the weather or a hot cup of coffee.
Ex: It's going to be a hot one today folks, leave the sweaters at home! Haha, I'm such a funny weatherman.

Emeril Hot
This refers to "spicy hot" as in curry or chili peppers.
Ex: Anna loves the potato soup at Chili's because it is so hot. She'd love to go there tonight when you get out of your writing classes.

Bobby Knight Hot
This refers to "angry hot" as in that call was so bad, I want to throw a chair at your face.
Ex: Some of the things Ann Coulter says make me so hot.

Jenna Jameson Hot
This refers to what dictionary.com calls: "slang. sexually aroused; lustful"
Ex: Some of the things Ann Coulter says make me so hot. (This is only in specific cases, such as a certain ex-boyfriend of mine with a giant poster of her in his bedroom.)

Paris Hilton Hot
This refers to things that are "new; fresh; very cool."
Ex: "That's hot." - Paris Hilton

George Clooney Hot
This refers to what dictionary.com considers, "slang. sexy; attractive."
Ex: Did you read Anna's blog entry about the five things that make guys hot?


Clearly, throughout the remainder of the blawg, you should refer to the final definition.


And now... The Five Things.


#1: Guitars
A guitar is the representative sample of musical ability. Musical Ability is very hot. It's 90% of the reason why men like Ozzie Osbourne continue to get laid (10%- money). (Musical Ability is why really nice girls date guys in bands that their friend, Darnell, will make fun of 6 years later.) It does matter, however, what your musical ability is. Electric Guitar? Hot... Piano? Sensitive and Hot... Kazoos? Definitely Not Hot.
Examples: Jon Bon Jovi, Joe Perry (my secret rockstar boyfriend), Jim Morrison

#2: Accents
Accents are the representative sample of nothing. Accents stand alone. Accents are hot. I, of course, mean nice, splendid accents. Not backwoods Georgia accents (my apologies to my loyal Georgia fanbase) but delightful accents. Accents in which you'd make him read you everything in your house, even your credit card statement, and you'd be ever so pleased.
Examples: Clive Owen, Collin Firth, Sean Connery

#3: Uniforms
Oh, uniforms. This category also includes tuxedos, or nice suits. This category does not include any employee uniform from a fast food establishment. No, I do not want fries with that silly pointy hat. In an informal survey of all the women in my household (me), uniforms and formal attire make the average male 57% hotter. That means if you're normally a 7, you could become a 10(+). Now, that's math worth doing.
Examples: Men in Uniform, Groomsmen

#4: Motorcycles
This category includes nice transportation in general. We've come along way from being 16 when a boy having a car was a big deal to a place where the importance is placed on nice, fancy cars. 1998 Mercury Tracer? Not Hot. Cadillac CTS? Hot. Hyundai Santa Fe? Okay, that can count. (There, Darnell, are you happy? You're an example.)

#5: Kids/Pets or Sports
This category rotates depending on what sort of mood I'm in when I relay my theory. Sports are an obvious choice (see Tom Brady, David Beckham), so I don't like to include them when I'm desirous of being thought-provoking and mysterious, which is fairly often. Kids/pets though require a little more explaining. To begin with, having kids is really not all that hot. I prefer kids that can be given back at the end of the day. So having nieces and nephews or godchildren or friends' kids, liking them, and being good with them- this is hot. Additionally, having a dog is hot. But with most things, you do have to consider the type of dog. Poodle? Not Hot. Rottweiler? Scary. Chocolate Lab? Now, that's a hot dog. (pun intended)

So, go ahead men. Take my advice to heart, restructure your life around it.

Law School Prom

Please note: The picture on the right was used with the express consent of both Courtney Preston, owner of said picture and all around wonderful person, and Todd Allen, featured in said picture. The picture on the left is owned by myself and the express consent of my senior prom date was not received or even attempted. Mostly because, for the most part, I have no idea what happened to him or where he is.

Prom

Most people have terrible prom stories. Or at least most people I know. Because let's face it, if you're my friend now (especially you law school people), you might not have exactly been the coolest in High School. Kudos to you if you were, but I have the sneaking suspicion that most people are nodding vehemently right now. Fortunately, despite being very into Drama Club, and in AP classes, and the only girl on the Academic Team ("There's nothing cooler than being on the Academic Team from 3rd through 12th grade." - the wise Miss Langdon Ryan), I had the added delusion of thinking I was way cool. So, I'm not going to lie. My prom was awesome. I remember being seventeen and thinking that my prom was the most magical night of my life. And I guess that probably still stands, because I'm older and much more cynical now, so I'm sad to say I probably haven't had a night that would live up to my seventeen year-old concept of magic.

That depressing thought aside, I clearly totally bought into the whole "prom is the best night of your life" mentality, despite the fact that I would have thought you absurd if you said that to me at the time, and some of you are probably finding that absurd now. So fortunately for me, but most likely unfortunately for others, the Student Bar Association gave us the opportunity to relive our most painful/fantastic memories. But, how did it stack up? I'm sure this is a question you've all been struggling with since Saturday, or you in my cyberspace fan club have been nervously awaiting the answer to, so I will provide this- my all-inclusive guide to the difference between prom at 17 and prom at 23.

It is important to note that things are sort of fuzzy for me in places, either due to memory or tequila. Keep that in mind when you read my analysis. (I usually include this disclaimer on all my exam questions.)


Category #1: Date
High School- Jess Bradshaw. Jess was totally my boyfriend and I was way smitten. He was in a band and I thought he was very cool in that Chuck Taylors/video games kind of way. I mean, what girl doesn't consider herself lucky to have her prom date show up in a top hat with a cane? Right? .... RIGHT?

Law School- Todd, who is my very best law school friend. I know that a lot of you were vying for this honor, but I'm taking this opportunity to publicly announce to all my readers that Todd has won. That does not mean that I am not open to all sorts of gifts to try to influence my opinion. (Please note: Chris Whitfield, this does not excuse you from the guilt gifts you already owe me. If you wish to compete, you will need additional gifts.) In addition to being awesome, Todd is also a great dancer, hilarious for dinner conversation, and offered to drive.

Winner: Law School. Sorry Jess, but Todd is everything a great date should be. In fact, if Law School doesn't work out, he could probably start some sort of professional date business. Though, I think that's borderline illegal.


Category #2: Dinner
High School- I don't actually remember anything about this. I do have a number of pictures of things like Sweet and Low packet houses and all of us sitting around with spoons on our noses.

Law School- Vinaigrette gravy... incredibly dry chicken (but not the driest ever, says Todd) and on... a bed of beef? Though some people did have the other option: beef on a bed of chicken.

Winner: High School If I don't remember it, it obviously wasn't that bad. Law school prom food on the other hand...


Category #3: Dress
High School- My high school prom dress was blue, strapless, relatively non-descript. Langdon also pointed out that my hair is "so prom." Wow, Langdon, you're getting a lot of shoutouts today.

Law School- In reflecting on Saturday's pictures, my law school dress can pretty much be summed up in one word: boobs.

Winner: Law School Not only was the color better, but I definitely did not have the necessary um... uh... features to fill out my high school prom dress. Also, it bears mentioning, who the hell let high school me out of the house in that lipstick?


Category #4: Music
High School- Our High School Prom song was "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin. Now, "Take My Breath Away" came out in 1986 and I came out in 1984, so I don't have a lot of touching memories of the first go-round of this song. "Awww, I remember when this song was popular, I was in diapers!!!" No. I was not watching Top Gun, I was watching Sesame Street. To their credit though, it was right about the time that the Jessica Simpson version came out. So at least they didn't pick that.

Law School- I have a vague memory of certain songs, like the poorly organized Electric Slide (you'd think a room full of law students could figure out how to face the same direction) and the terribly complicated Cha Cha Slide (this should probably have been played earlier in the night when most people still knew their right from their left).

Winner: I feel there's really no clear winner of this category. Though, Honorable Mention will go to Law School because there was enough alcohol to actually entice me to back that thang up.


Category #5: The All-Important After Party
High School- A small anecdote bears mentioning, with the hope that neither of these people read my blawg, but it colors the analysis of this category. For several weeks my friend, we'll say Scott, had told us he was planning to break up with his girlfriend after prom. Unbeknownst to the rest of us, he meant IMMEDIATELY after prom. As in, in the car on the way to the Party. And then he chose the quintessential post-prom movie The Big Chill. To be sure, this definitely ruined the mood and we sat in mostly silence, either too depressed by the movie or made too uncomfortable by the glaring ex-girlfriend to do what we really wanted to do, which was of course make out. (To be fair, this end goal for the evening was clearly the same for both High School Prom and Law School Prom.)

Law School- Chinoe Pub. There is nothing like making friends with middle aged drunk people in a crowded bar at 2 in the morning while wearing prom dresses.

Winner: Law School. I obviously choose alcohol over drama, and karaoke over sadness.


Results:
I am understandably surprised to see that Law School nearly swept the categories. Must have been the friends. Certainly couldn't have been the influence of the open bar.


Please note: There is no category for drama. Law School would clearly win that as well.


Also, one final thing. Just because I blogged on Tuesday this week doesn't mean you should expect it regularly.

The Day of St. Valentine

or A Perfectly Fine Thursday That Will Inevitably Be Ruined

The first thing that I want to say about Valentine's Day is that there is pretty much no way it can ever go well. Someone is unhappy, regardless of how hard you try.

For example:

Ideal Valentine's Scenario #1
Gentlemen, you pick your significant female presence up for dinner, give her flowers, and take her to her favorite restaurant. While there, you instruct her to order anything she likes, which she does, and you give her a lovely diamond pendant necklace.

She's happy, and you're happy she's happy, right? WRONG.
Have you seen the bill for this dinner? Let me just say right now, your girlfriend's favorite restaurant is NEVER going to be cheap.

Ideal Valentine's Scenario #2
You make your girlfriend/wife/mistress dinner at home. You set up candles, nice music. It's very romantic and lovely.

Everyone's happy, right?
WRONG
Why didn't you take her out to dinner?

Ideal Valentine's Scenario #3. This one is for the ladies.
You rent your boyfriend's favorite movie (inevitably something with Steven Seagal), pop a bowl of popcorn, and put on something sexy and cuddle on the couch while you watch together.

This is a trick question because it seems like a win-win. It has cuddling, it has movies with explosions. But ladies, at the end of the day, you still had to watch Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.


From these examples, you should have learned there's no way to get this right. This is one of the ways that Valentine's Day is like Lawson's Civil Procedure class.

Now, you may be thinking, "Gee, she's bitter about Valentine's Day. Those crazy bitter single gals this time of year!" No. Just because I'm doing laundry tomorrow doesn't mean I'm upset about it. I enjoy a good love story as much as the next girl. I mean, for example, a story Lance recently sent me: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/02/07/witaly107.xml
How can you read such a touching story and not be moved by the power of love? I mean, what 13 year-old girl doesn't dream of finding true love with a 34 year-old butcher after a "sexual encounter" in his car? I mean, come on, there was a "deep tenderness" between them. (Insert sexual joke in extremely poor taste here.)

So now that I have adequately demonstrated both my fondness for true love and my great wisdom about the inevitability of unhappiness on this, the second most made up holiday of the year (Sweetest Day is clearly first), I shall impart to you my suggestions for making the most of your Valentine's experience.


Five Things To Do On Valentine's Day:
1. Buy the author of your favorite blog a gift. She prefers things that are more long-lasting but would settle for flowers, candy, candygrams, or a nice card.

2. Call, e-mail, skywrite to, or text your significant other first thing to wish them a Happy Valentine's Day. This only applies if you are the "boy" in the relationship, regardless of whether or not you are actually male. Take note of this, Renee.

3. Figure out where the apostrophe actually goes in the word "Valentines" I mean, I'm only guessing I'm right. But, as a reader of my blog you know I am usually right.

4. Drink. Liquor is a universal necessity for Valentine's Day. Bonus: If you're one of those people who gets depressed about being single, then you can either a) drink until you pass out and you don't even know your own name much less that you're single or b) go to a local bar full of similarly minded people, meet one, drink a lot, and then not be single again. At least until the next morning or until his or her cab comes.

5. Really take your time to come up with an excellent gift. Some things that are sort of lame as far as gifts go are flowers and chocolate. Sure it's easy, and sure every big retail chain and every commercial are suggesting that's what you give, but think about it. Flowers die. Chocolate makes you gain a lot of weight and so close to Spring Break! Hard to look good in your bathing suit when you have a thoughtless significant other who gave you a box of chocolate that you clearly had to eat. That being said, if you are planning to give your significant other flowers or chocolate, good for you! You can reap those "at least he tried" bonus points. One thing you should never ever do is wait until the day after Valentine's Day and buy a stuffed animal that is on clearance and give it to your girlfriend. I'm not naming any names, but you know who you are.


Remember tomorrow night when you are celebrating with your significant other how much you really owe to me, my blog, and my vast expertise on terrible Valentine's Days.

Dance Dance Exculplation

or How to Make the World a Better Place

So all day I've been searching news sites and racking my brain for a great blog topic for this week. Frustrated, I have thrown up my hands and said, "Why isn't anything going on in the world!?!?!!?!"

This is, of course, ludicrous.

I mean, when you think about it, there are a number of things that are actually happening in the world. Elections, Tornadoes, poor Heath Ledger, more Elections, and also Elections. But the problem with these things is that, while interesting/tragic, they aren't, you know, amusing. (Except for the things Ron Paul says)

But then the citizens of Milford, New Hampshire provided me with a glimpse of the future, a utopic society of dance dancing. This week, librarians offered their patrons a chance to dance dance away their library fines by challenging said librarians to a game of the ever popular Dance Dance Revolution. (For those who don't know, Dance Dance Revolution is some sort of giant video game that requires you to dance around on colored symbols while it ridicules you for your inability to play the game by flashing things like, "Boo!" and "Maybe try Guitar Hero instead!" It might also praise you if you're good at it, but I wouldn't know.)

And so, I ask you. Wouldn't the world truly be a better place if all we had to do was dance dance away our transgressions? Patrons merely had to score better than the librarian they had challenged which probably wasn't really that hard... I mean, think of the librarians you know!

I feel there are a number of situations where dance dancing to get off the hook could be applied.

Clearly, the first one that comes to my mind is that oh so rare occasion where you might not be so prepared for class and you happened to get called on. Come on, we've all been there. Maybe you watched a movie instead of reading for Con Law or valued the Super Bowl over the Contracts assignment or did pretty much anything else (scrubbing toilets, eating bugs) to put off the Civ Pro assignment, but you know it's happened at least once. But picture this: Professor Lawson raises his right arm and points to you but oh no! You haven't read and you begin to panic. But fortunately, if you are able to score just one grade higher than Lawson on Dance Dance Revolution, he will move on to the next person. He gets out the mat, the colored symbol things project onto the big screen and it's on! Except I can't even fathom the person who would be able to beat Bob. I bet he's a DDR genius.

Another time it could be useful, and a timely suggestion, given Valentines Day is next week, is in relationship troubles. Say, for example, you were to forget a birthday/anniversary or commit a minor transgression such as, say, telling your girlfriend that she really looked like she was stuffed into the skinny jeans she was so proud to get into. She would get mad and you would say, "okay, honey, let's dance dance this out." It would save you hurt feelings, harsh words, slammed doors, expensive guilt flowers. And then at the end of the song, whoever wins is the winner of the fight. And then you can mark it down on your tally board.

Other times Dance Dance Revolution would be a useful means of conflict resolution:
Late Payments on Utility Bills/Rent (benefit: if you win, you don't have to pay the bills)
Forgotten/Late Assignment at Work
Roommate Dispute (if you win, your roommate has to pay for your beer that he drank)
Traffic Accident
Adverse Possession Claims


There is, as I see it, a major flaw with this plan and it's that I'm really bad at dance dancing. I could just use this as a reason to be agreeable and not prone to conflict, but really, there's little to no chance of that happening, so to solve this problem, I would propose that Karaoke be an appropriate replacement for Dance Dance Revolution. We'll call this the Bowles Substitution in honor of Mr. Dane Bowles, the King of Karaoke (pictured above).

Consider, fellow law students and other readers who are familiar with what lawyers do, how this would revolutionize our profession! Though, you'd have to get a pretty big DDR mat for class-action suits.

It's going to change the rest of your life, folks. Better start practicing.