You Heard It Here First

Up until now, I've avoided being outwardly political, except for a few asides and candidate mentions. And now that my candidate of choice has walked the plank of the Good Ship Presidential Clusterfuck (Mike Gravel, I miss you so!!), it is likely that I won't state which candidate I'll support from here on out. Though, I will openly admit to you that I think Libertarian Party Candidate Bob Barr has one bitchin' mustache. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to whom my vote goes in November and that is because of this one simple fact: The next president of the United States will be, without a doubt, John McCain.

For many months, the strategy of the Democratic Party has been to show buddy buddy pictures of McCain and our current illustrious commander-in-chief one Mr. George W. Bush. (Perhaps you've heard of him.) The phrases we're hearing over and over and over and over again are "four more years" and "more of the same" and though I, for one, am seriously getting sick of hearing it, it's all but ensuring that John McCain, he of the freakishly old mother, the awkward pictures with male colleagues, and the Early Bird Special, will be our next president. The Democratic Party is forgetting one very important thing. For the American people, "more of the same" is practically our battle cry. "More of the same" is the entire basis of our society.

When was the last time we had a new fast food restaurant? We're perfectly happy with a half a dozen national chains and a few regional specialties we can brag about having back in our hometowns. We like the same dozen movie actors and we spend our days watching the same three major television networks, occasionally switching over to Fox if we really want to slum it.

And it is these tv networks that truly embody our "less is more, more is terrifying" strategy for living our lives. There are, as of the time of this writing, only 5 different television shows. And certainly a group of people who can't handle more than 5 premises, can't handle breaking in a new president. Change is bad, and not only can television network executives clearly count on and exploit this mentality, but so can John McCain. And, with careful planning and promotion, it can be through these 5 television concepts that Senator John McCain (R, AZ) will drive 35 mph in the fast lane all the way to Pennsylvania Ave.

#1: The Crime Drama
It's a little after 8 on a Tuesday and there are, on average 495 million television sets turned to some sort of crime drama. (This total includes all 6 tvs in Cuba.) Roughly 2/3 of these are tuned to some form of Law and Order or CSI, but a fair amount are viewing some of the off-brand crime dramas such as Without a Trace, Criminal Minds, Cold Case, and The Ghost Whisperer (not technically a crime drama, it's just a crime that show is still on). Even though we've exhausted the types of crime to dramatize, we continue to have these episodes. Pretty soon they'll be down to those obscure laws about things like not hunting whales in Oklahoma (real law). In the season opener of CSI: New York, they investigate a man's curious motive in jumping the subway turnstile. Spoiler Alert: It's because he doesn't want to pay!
How McCain can capitalize on this: by playing the ubiquitous Law and Order "dunh dunh" after any important point in a speech or by pausing occasionally after outlining a policy, looking in the distance thoughtfully and putting on his sunglasses

#2: The Talent Show
America doesn't really have talent, clearly, but we have 80 million televised talent shows that seek to capitalize on our dream of being noticed for that weird secret talent we have or for the "great" way we sing. My question is: If every one of these shows is finding the biggest talent in America, then which one of these "winners" is really the biggest talent? Shouldn't there be some sort of runoff?
How McCain can capitalize on this: Each of the potential vice-presidential candidates brings his own unique factors to the table, and while some might consider things like a significant vetting process and compatibility with the candidate to be the most important ways to determine an appropriate running mate, John McCain thinks America can decide! True, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is young and charismatic, but he can also juggle. But can he beat out former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney's top notch beat boxing? Fun fact: Bush used this method to choose his cabinet. Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao was the only contestant that could spin plates.

#3: The Show Where Everyone Lives in a House And Forgets There Are Cameras
From back when The Real World was worth watching (remember Seattle?) to today's Big Brother, America loves the show where everyone lives in a house and are watched 24/7, then edited together to make them seem really exciting and/or contentious. We've even added new twists like a whole bunch of washed up celebrities living in a house, or weirdos who are obsessed with training dogs living in a house, and we even sat through several seasons of an unintelligble Ozzie Osborne leading a household of crazy persons and dogs.
How McCain can capitalize on this: The Mac will put his potential cabinet members in one house and let the booze flow and the cameras roll. If they can work together to put on a radio show, or do promotions for a night club, or book entertainment for their local surf apparel shop (You can tell which seasons of The Real World I watched) then they can for sure work together to run a country. Downside: Elizabeth Dole might be the one that always walks around naked.

#4: The Show Where the Husband is a Doofus, the Wife is Sort of a Bitch, and the Kids are Incorrigible
Call it the Homer Simpson effect, but America loves this format. From Roseanne to Everybody Loves Raymond to According to Jim, it's always a hit. And really, America, really? Who wants to watch a show about what happens in 90% of the households in America? Apparently we do.
How McCain can capitalize on this: With a slew of undoubtedly incorrigible children and a wife that sort of gives off the bitch vibe already, (can't blame her, you'd be a bitch too if your hair was always pulled back that tight) McCain is poised for some gentle comedy. Sample dialogue:
Cindy: How was your day, dear?
John: It was okay, the usual. I just can't get us out of this war.
Cindy: Well, I told you not to start back up with North Korea. You know how I don't like that little crazy leader they have. Why don't you ever listen to me? And why don't you ever take out the garbage?
Little Jack: Dad, can you sign my permission slip? We're going to the zoo tomorrow!
Cindy: Not now, Little Jacky, Dad has to take the garbage out.
John: But Cindy, I just got home from a long day leading the free world.

#5: The Show Where Twenty-Something Friends Go Through Relationships and Job Crises All While Hanging Out at Their Local Bar, Restaurant, or Coffee House
Friends set the bar high, and few shows have been able to match the sheer mania of those 10 years in the 90's and early Aughts (I'm trying to make that happen) but many shows have tried, most recently How I Met Your Mother. America loves the idea of an even number of attractive people living in apartments they couldn't possibly afford, living glamorous lifestyles, and having complicated sexual relationships with each other. I mean, what middle aged housewife didn't gather up her girlfriends a few weekends ago and head to see the Sex and the City movie, gleefully bragging, "I'm a Miranda!" No, you're a Delores. And the "city" is New York, not Cleveland.
How McCain can capitalize on this: Well, here is where he runs into a problem. Being not at all young and hip, he wouldn't exactly have an in with the under 30 crowd. Perhaps he could do a cameo as one of the kids' loveable and dorky dads (or grandpas) in for a visit to the big city. He maybe could play the bartender, but he'd have to stay awake past 10:00... and he probably doesn't drive at night. But hey, no harm in letting a few opportunities slide to the Obama column. This is similar to his strategy in Florida.

Honorable Mention: The Hour Long Sexcapade Dramedy
I, and I think most of America, would not like to see John McCain attempt to capture America's lust for shows such as Desperate Housewives, Swingtown, Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, I think we're all just better off imagining The Mac is "firmly" in the Bob Dole Camp on that one. Pun Intended.



Note, Disclaimer, Hopeful Prevention of Encouraging Any Sort of Political Debate in My Comments Section: This was just a joke. It's when people get serious about politics, foresaking all lightheartedness or for that matter, reason, that people get hurt. It was not my intention to offend McCain fans, Obama fans, Bob Barr's fan, network television fans, reality show stars, or anyone except those who regularly watch The Ghost Whisperer. God burned down their studio for a reason people, let it go. Change the channel. I'm sure you can find a CSI rerun.

Yes, That Really Is a Picture of Me

So, being an adult really... in a word? sucks. I guess there's not any set way to know that you are an adult, and so I guess some people may never be, but, for me at least, there are some warning signs. I experienced a big one last week as I lay in my bed, filled with a ridiculous amount of joy at the fact that I was laying underneath the brand new ceiling fan that I had installed earlier in the day. I haven't yet fully accepted my adulthood and so the realization that I was overjoyed by something as ridiculous as a new, albeit amazing, light fixture was fully depressing.

There are, of course, a number of ways to tell if one is an adult, here are just a few:

• your planner, or day-timer, is divided by times of the day, and is almost always with you
• you watch the local evening news
• a sunny 70 degree day in June finds you indoors, hunched over your laptop
  
• you take a daily vitamin
• when you enter someone else's home, you're more jealous of their kitchen appliances than their games and fun electronics
• you see a preview for a children's movie (i.e. Kung Fu Panda) and you have absolutely no desire to see it
• you have any sort of faux flowers or plants in your home
  
• your new vocabulary includes words like, "fuel efficient," "mortgage" and "401k"
  
• decorative stores, like Pier 1 or Pottery Barn, fill you with as much excitement as a candy store or toy store used to
  
• you regularly read more than one news website or newspaper in a day
• you have staples in your pantry or kitchen cupboard
  

Now, chances are good that a number of you recognized some of the unfortunate signs above or have noticed one of the great many other signs in your every day life. And I'm sorry, that's really bad news. However, I think we are confronted on practically a daily basis by kidults. Kidults are, of course, those who seem to be adults but yet persist on approaching their day to day interactions with others as though they are children. Your mind undoubtedly flashed immediately to Josh, Tom Hanks' character in the classic 80's film Big. But, people, please, clearly we can give a free pass to those who are magically transported into the future. It's those that didn't wake up 20 years older overnight that are the real problem. Kidults.

But really, maybe the problem is that the rest of us try to act in a mature fashion. Kidults certainly wouldn't be noticeable if everyone dealt with every situation in exactly the same manner as they did 15 years ago. Perhaps we should consider this change! As always, I know you need some guidance, so I am here to provide it.

Common Life Situations in Which it is Possible to Opt to Kidult (oh yeah, it's also a verb.):

#1: Dining Out
Adult Method: Wait patiently for your table, then sit quietly and chat amongst your party while you wait for your meal. Use silverware and proper table manners.
Kidult Method: Complain loudly in the lobby that you have been waiting for hours as you pace or run around. After you get the table, drum or beat your silverware on it until you get your food, which by the way you should order with as many additional specifications as possible. Eat with your hands. Halfway through the meal, begin to whine and put your head down on the table until everyone else is ready to leave.

#2: Dating
Adult Method: Well, you know. Whatever works for you.
Kidult Method: See a person of the sex to which you are attracted at a bar. Quickly pull out your crayon and construction paper and write them a note, asking if they will be your boyfriend or girlfriend. For good measure, and the sake of tradition, you ought to throw in a "check yes or no." Ask a friend to take the note to one of the people The Object of Your Desire is with. Then, and this part is very important, surround yourself with your friends and giggle a lot, thus rendering it impossible for he or she to actually talk to you. It is additionally important that if you see him or her again, you turn immediately as red as a beet and never speak to them.

#3: Taking Care of Your Home
Adult Method: Find a decorative style and painstakingly add items of interest to your home. As far as household chores, do them in a timely fashion and don't allow laundry, dishes, and trash to pile up.
Kidult Method: Decoration? All you need is a box of crayons, some finger paint, and an hour. Security Deposit? Who cares! And don't worry about doing things like feeding your pets and cleaning your room. Your mom will come behind you and take care of it. Your poor dog.

#4: Work
Adult Method: If most movies and television are a barometer for the modern work place, you're probably not going to like your job. And you're definitely not going to like at least one of the people that you work with. Adults just have to deal with it. Grown-ups need money because grown-ups have bills.
Kidult Method: In addition to locking the door of their office for an afternoon nap, kidults refuse to play nicely with those they don't like. If, at the weekly staff meeting, a coworker offends a kidult, the proper response is of course to gather your charts and any handouts you may have provided and stomp back to your office and slam the door.

#5: Trips in the Car
Adult Method: Get in the car. Shut the door. Start car. Drive to destination. For longer trips, bring snacks and cds.
Kidult Method: Get in the car. Make sure to bring at least 4 things to do in the car (iPod, book, some sort of car game, toys). Drop at least 3 of these things out of reach as soon as the car begins to move and you're trapped in your seatbelt. Begin to ask how much longer this trip will last almost from the moment of ignition. Whine. Wait 5 minutes. Whine. Announce you have to use the restroom and it's an emergency. Constantly ask to stop at every place that looks interesting by the side of the road: world's largest bale of hay, world's smallest chicken, world's biggest staple remover, etc.

So get out there! Act like a kid again! It is a sure fire way to command respect from your friends, coworkers, and any stranger who sees you try to eat spaghetti with your hands.

Note: Yeah, the hair is really bad. But come on, it was the 80's. At least I'm not wearing my New Kids on the Block nightgown.

Depressed?

So, it's true. I am a horrible blogger who completely forgot, and two days in a row at that, to update her blog. The truth is, it's been sort of a roller coaster week for me: grades, primaries, class, work, and I've not known how I felt about something at any one time in order to present a coherent blawg about it. I'm sorry, I am imperfect. I am not even perfect by the man standard, much less the higher level of perfection that women are held to. But that is neither here nor there.

Even my blog file is running perilously low on ideas (Special thanks to Collin for vetoing the Collin Schueler's Day Off idea). Perhaps it's a summer slump or maybe it's writer's block, but I really just have nothing to say (This is also true of my Perspectives piece. Sorry Rosie, I love you, it's next.) And so the question becomes, write nothing of substance to appease my adoring fans or wait until I'm inspired to write my usual high caliber of genius commentary on the world. Clearly I should have waited.

The problem with the world is that all that's really going on is Political. And when I talk about things that are Political, I get in trouble/my opinion gets mocked and dismissed by others who seem to somehow know better than I the unique issues facing this whole uniting the democratic party thing. (This is why there was no blog on Wednesday.) And when I turned, as I usually do when I'm stumped, to the headlines to search for a topic, I found nothing but depression.

I mean, look at the CNN.com headlines right now:

1. CNNMoney: Stocks drubbed on jobs and oil
2. CNNMoney: Oil skyrockets as dollar slides
3. Obama, Clinton meet privately
4. Obama's dodge miffs press corps
5. Ticker: Edwards says no to being Obama's VP
6. Commentary: It's time for more Hillary Clintons
7. Commentary: Is best woman for job a man?
8. WCVB: DA: Unhappy sex drove murder
9. Navy missile intercept successful
10. Rescuers scour sea for lost divers | Ten minutes of terror in a diving paradise
11. WABC: NYPD guards building after climbs
12. Unabomber kin finds new 'brother'
13. 800 gallons of gas stolen on video
14. Mother: 'How could his heart just stop?'
15. Time: Who will rule the new Internet?
16. iReport.com: Your not so perfect weddings
17. Why Kathie Lee Gifford forgave adultery
18. Ed McMahon explains his mortgage mess
19. Holyfield's 17-bathroom home in foreclosure

So first of all 3-7 are out, as they are about the election and I have an opinion with apparently little worth, and let's face it, there are already enough places on the internet where people feel it's alright to spend hours commenting on things written by people they have never even met or bothered to meet (even perhaps despite being in the same school or classes) and there will be no outside ramifications. In life, people censor and think before they speak, but on the internet, people have no fear and are willing to type, or post videos of, anything. And that's why we have blogs in the first place (and youtube).

1, 2, 13, 18, 19 are just depressing commentaries on our economy and there really isn't anything funny there. Poor little old McMahon on the streets, waiting for it to finally be his turn to answer the door to the Prize Patrol, is not something I want to think about, and I'm sure you don't either.

8, 9, 10, 14- nothing with murder or missile or "ten minutes of terror" can possibly be entertaining.

Even my old standby, fark.com, brings nothing but stories of fallen soldiers, dead animals, and sadness. Well, plus one story about KMart making abstinence sweatpants (seriously, they say "true love waits" on the butt).

So I have no other option but to conclude that world is suffering from a moderate case of depression. Television would have me believe that the cure is Paxil, or a similar mood altering substance. I'm not sure how we'd go about that, short of having everyone in the world take paxil, and really there are a number of people with more pressing needs- like housing, food, clothes. (Though, I guess if they were on Paxil they wouldn't care that they were helplessly under the thumb of a military junta who did not mind that its citizens were homeless and diseased.)

Should the world seek therapy? Perhaps someone in a smart little pantsuit... like Barbara Streisand in The Prince of Tides? Or I think maybe there's a Bette Midler movie where she's a therapist... I guess what the world needs is a Jew in a Pantsuit to set us straight. (Hillary had half that down at least. So close!)

But maybe what the world needs is a little vacation, just a week at the Beach to rejuvenate. God knows I do.