Yes, That Really Is a Picture of Me

So, being an adult really... in a word? sucks. I guess there's not any set way to know that you are an adult, and so I guess some people may never be, but, for me at least, there are some warning signs. I experienced a big one last week as I lay in my bed, filled with a ridiculous amount of joy at the fact that I was laying underneath the brand new ceiling fan that I had installed earlier in the day. I haven't yet fully accepted my adulthood and so the realization that I was overjoyed by something as ridiculous as a new, albeit amazing, light fixture was fully depressing.

There are, of course, a number of ways to tell if one is an adult, here are just a few:

• your planner, or day-timer, is divided by times of the day, and is almost always with you
• you watch the local evening news
• a sunny 70 degree day in June finds you indoors, hunched over your laptop
  
• you take a daily vitamin
• when you enter someone else's home, you're more jealous of their kitchen appliances than their games and fun electronics
• you see a preview for a children's movie (i.e. Kung Fu Panda) and you have absolutely no desire to see it
• you have any sort of faux flowers or plants in your home
  
• your new vocabulary includes words like, "fuel efficient," "mortgage" and "401k"
  
• decorative stores, like Pier 1 or Pottery Barn, fill you with as much excitement as a candy store or toy store used to
  
• you regularly read more than one news website or newspaper in a day
• you have staples in your pantry or kitchen cupboard
  

Now, chances are good that a number of you recognized some of the unfortunate signs above or have noticed one of the great many other signs in your every day life. And I'm sorry, that's really bad news. However, I think we are confronted on practically a daily basis by kidults. Kidults are, of course, those who seem to be adults but yet persist on approaching their day to day interactions with others as though they are children. Your mind undoubtedly flashed immediately to Josh, Tom Hanks' character in the classic 80's film Big. But, people, please, clearly we can give a free pass to those who are magically transported into the future. It's those that didn't wake up 20 years older overnight that are the real problem. Kidults.

But really, maybe the problem is that the rest of us try to act in a mature fashion. Kidults certainly wouldn't be noticeable if everyone dealt with every situation in exactly the same manner as they did 15 years ago. Perhaps we should consider this change! As always, I know you need some guidance, so I am here to provide it.

Common Life Situations in Which it is Possible to Opt to Kidult (oh yeah, it's also a verb.):

#1: Dining Out
Adult Method: Wait patiently for your table, then sit quietly and chat amongst your party while you wait for your meal. Use silverware and proper table manners.
Kidult Method: Complain loudly in the lobby that you have been waiting for hours as you pace or run around. After you get the table, drum or beat your silverware on it until you get your food, which by the way you should order with as many additional specifications as possible. Eat with your hands. Halfway through the meal, begin to whine and put your head down on the table until everyone else is ready to leave.

#2: Dating
Adult Method: Well, you know. Whatever works for you.
Kidult Method: See a person of the sex to which you are attracted at a bar. Quickly pull out your crayon and construction paper and write them a note, asking if they will be your boyfriend or girlfriend. For good measure, and the sake of tradition, you ought to throw in a "check yes or no." Ask a friend to take the note to one of the people The Object of Your Desire is with. Then, and this part is very important, surround yourself with your friends and giggle a lot, thus rendering it impossible for he or she to actually talk to you. It is additionally important that if you see him or her again, you turn immediately as red as a beet and never speak to them.

#3: Taking Care of Your Home
Adult Method: Find a decorative style and painstakingly add items of interest to your home. As far as household chores, do them in a timely fashion and don't allow laundry, dishes, and trash to pile up.
Kidult Method: Decoration? All you need is a box of crayons, some finger paint, and an hour. Security Deposit? Who cares! And don't worry about doing things like feeding your pets and cleaning your room. Your mom will come behind you and take care of it. Your poor dog.

#4: Work
Adult Method: If most movies and television are a barometer for the modern work place, you're probably not going to like your job. And you're definitely not going to like at least one of the people that you work with. Adults just have to deal with it. Grown-ups need money because grown-ups have bills.
Kidult Method: In addition to locking the door of their office for an afternoon nap, kidults refuse to play nicely with those they don't like. If, at the weekly staff meeting, a coworker offends a kidult, the proper response is of course to gather your charts and any handouts you may have provided and stomp back to your office and slam the door.

#5: Trips in the Car
Adult Method: Get in the car. Shut the door. Start car. Drive to destination. For longer trips, bring snacks and cds.
Kidult Method: Get in the car. Make sure to bring at least 4 things to do in the car (iPod, book, some sort of car game, toys). Drop at least 3 of these things out of reach as soon as the car begins to move and you're trapped in your seatbelt. Begin to ask how much longer this trip will last almost from the moment of ignition. Whine. Wait 5 minutes. Whine. Announce you have to use the restroom and it's an emergency. Constantly ask to stop at every place that looks interesting by the side of the road: world's largest bale of hay, world's smallest chicken, world's biggest staple remover, etc.

So get out there! Act like a kid again! It is a sure fire way to command respect from your friends, coworkers, and any stranger who sees you try to eat spaghetti with your hands.

Note: Yeah, the hair is really bad. But come on, it was the 80's. At least I'm not wearing my New Kids on the Block nightgown.