A Natural Disaster I Know Nothing About

I am an avid reader of the news. In fact, I probably spend more time on CNN.com than I spend doing pretty much everything else in my life with the possible, but not likely, exception of sleeping. And so perhaps it comes with the volume of news I consume a day, but I have noticed a significant percentage of natural disasters lately. And no, not just some of the pantsuits Hillary wears, or the fact that 12 million people chose David C over David A, and not even the fact that ABC picked up Scrubs for its fall schedule (I mean, come on, that show won't die!). But no, for once I am actually referring to the true meaning of my words, literal natural disasters. Floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and cyclones seem to be hitting the world one right after another.

I'm only a moderately religious person, but a series of natural disasters, especially the prevalence of earthquakes (for no apparent reason) makes me surmise that it's probably getting pretty close to the end of the world. I don't mean to alarm you, but I think it's pretty much a given that multiple earthquakes in a short amount of time is merely a harbinger of the End Times. (To be fair, I think this every time and it hasn't happened... yet.) And so the question that inevitably comes to mind is why? Why is this the end of the world? (And why are you wasting your time reading a blog when you could be out doing something you've always wanted to do?)

Now, I'm not a religious scholar by any means, but I think I'm on the right track with this one. And really, when has being unqualified to answer a question ever stopped me before. I think there is probably not one real reason why the world is going to end soon, but that it's more a series of events that have led up to God just calling it quits. You know, like when you have a really bad day and then you come home, step up to the door to put your keys in your lock and you drop them, and also it's raining, and that just becomes the one thing that sets you off? So what was it? What is the one thing that caused God to throw up his hands and say, "me damn it!"?

Did his TIVO forget to record Lost? Did he go for the last box of Girl Scout Cookies only to find that Jesus had gotten there first? Kids today!

These seem unlikely choices, but really there's no way of knowing what that one little tip to the iceberg was. Fortunately, I have a number of theories.

The first and most obvious reason the world is about to end is because we have a lady and a black guy competing to be the president of the United States! This is obviously a catalyst for the End Times, which, actually, you might already know if you listen to conservative talk radio. Think I'm wrong? Remember those freak tornadoes we had earlier this year here in Kentucky? When did they happen? Super Tuesday. I'm not wrong. I specifically remember, as I ran for the bathroom under the stairs, turning the tv channel away from the election coverage to the weather coverage. And that is why God spared me.

Another potential reason the end is near is America's Got Talent. Because, let's face it. America doesn't. I mean, is it a coincidence that all our favorite bands are British? For those of you who haven't seen the show, it takes socially awkward people performing things they've described as a "clothes-changing magic act", dummies performing with dummies who think they're ventriloquists, and a bunch of family bands, and puts them up on stage to be judged, somewhat ironically by two British people and David Hasselhoff, who is only considered to have talent in Germany.

Did anyone beside me see that they discovered the purpose of Stonehenge today? Archaeologists have been searching for decades because science has long been concerned Stonehenge would turn out to be that most detestable of things: art for art's sake. But this week, they've discovered. Stonehenge was... wait for it... a cemetery. I'm sure that you, like me, felt an understandable let down. Is there no mystery left? What's next? The Lost City of Atlantis will be discovered just east of Cleveland? But you know what, I'm totally fine with the world ending. Because who wants to live in a place where all the lost things are found and we only have unmysterious stone circles?

One word: wikipedia. Wikipedia is clearly of Satan. It might be hard to see why this ubiquitous source of all the potentially true information in the world as updated by dubious sources could be evil. Well, that is simply because I have a thirst for random, useless trivia about celebrities and historical figures. For example, I just wikied the entire life story of Christopher Knight, best known for his role of Peter Brady on the Brady Bunch. (In case you're wondering, he actually is still married to that girl he met on the Surreal Life.) So, you're reading about something really important like that, and then suddenly there's a link to read the entire life story of Florence Henderson, everyone's favorite tv mom. So then you see that Florence Henderson was in a Pepsi commercial with Ozzy Osbourne and you wonder, "gee, what has Ozzy Osbourne been doing since he had a reality show?" Then you see that he was once invited to the White House Correspondent's Dinner by Greta Van Susteren. And then you realize you don't really know anything about Greta Van Susteren. And then suddenly it's tomorrow. (It's for that same reason that tv shows on dvd earn an honorable mention spot on this list.)

And then, there is, of course, roller derby. Popular sport of the 1970's, you just don't see it anywhere anymore. And God, like me, feels that no roller derby=no reason to go on.

Red Rover, Red Rover, We dare Adults over...

You may not know it but it's summer. Schools are starting to get out, kids are in the street playing basketball, eating popsicles, riding bikes, in general enjoying their lives.

If you haven't noticed, that is because you are, in a word, an adult. Chances are your summer looks a little less like reading books, climbing trees, and going to the local swimming pool, and a little bit more like the inside of a cubicle or similarly meaningless job prison.

Didn't it use to be that summer was the best? You waited all year for it, and you wanted each day to last forever so you could avoid school forever. Now as a reluctant grown-up, I've even chosen to attend school in the summer. My inner 8 year-old is appalled. Well, she would be, if she could pry herself away from Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Old Clock long enough to pass judgment on the terrible shame that is my life.

Becoming an adult is probably one of the most truly awful experiences you can have. Now that I've passed all of the entrance exams, I am sitting in the airport terminal waiting for the next big milestones to take off. (The most important being having a child to vicariously enjoy summer through, because it's okay to sit on the ground and draw with sidewalk chalk if you're with a kid. Not so much if you're by yourself. This just in: your neighbors will think you're crazy.)

The stupid thing is that this is what we wanted, to grow up. 8 year-old Anna would be so excited if she knew I had a house and a car and my very own cat. (She'd be a little less enthused that it wasn't a Barbie Dream House, that it wasn't a blue mustang convertible, and she'd be really upset to learn about litter boxes.) Somehow along the way we missed hearing the part where we'd have to trade racing our bikes in the street for worrying about the rising cost of energy to run our cars and air conditioners, red rover for paychecks, and catching fireflies for sitting in traffic.

But this is ludicrous. Why should we have to take this? I think it's time for every adult in America, nay, the world, to revolt. Worldwide summer vacation! If I want to skip out on work and go to the beach, there should be nothing my boss can say about it but, "Have a great time! Enjoy summer!" Forget the gas tax holiday, how about just a holiday?

Now, there will be some among you, namely economists, who think this is a terrible idea. But, "I'm not going to put my lot in with economists." But, at the end of the day, it's true that it probably wouldn't be that great for the economy if people could just randomly take off to enjoy a summer activity. So, we'll probably just have to use the hours a day that are wasted at American workplaces to enjoy our favorite summer pasttime at our desks.

How to Make the Most of Your Summer While Also Making the Most of Your Job:
1. Draw a hopscotch board between your desk and the copier.
2. Attempt to get a tan from the florescent light above your desk by spreading out your beach towel, throwing on your shades, and plopping down with a celebrity gossip magazine. Remember to turn every 15 minutes.
3. Replace the coffee pot with a frozen margarita machine.
4. For lunch, grill hot dogs and hamburgers at your desk.
5. Start a pickup baseball game in the breakroom or hallway.
6. Jazz up your afternoon can of Diet Coke with a paper umbrella.
7. Start a game of Capture the Flag between departments. It's against the rules to hide your flag in the boss's office.
8. Ride your bike not only to work, but to run errands, and to visit co-workers. Fellow employees will see that not only do you care about the environment, but you know how to have a good time. Women should be careful not to catch their heels in the pedals.
9. Put on your favorite bathing suit, flippers, and a swim mask when it's your turn to replace the tank in the water cooler.
10. Occasionally set off fireworks. Imagine how fantastic they will look shooting up over your cubicle wall. (Might want to stay in the bathing suit for when the sprinklers go off.)

Please note: I am not responsible for your imminent firing.

Seven Not-As-Deadly Sins

I suspect it's only fair that I start off by explaining that I'm not Catholic. I have a very small amount of exposure to Catholicism, some assorted married-in family members, a few wedding and funeral masses, and pretty much every guy I've ever dated. That combined with one article in Time magazine, a few stories on cnn.com, and some recent wikipedia research is the entire basis for this entry in which I present, this, my undeniably expert opinion, on the Seven Deadly Sins.

It's not a secret that the Catholic Church is having a sort of Crisis of Membership lately for some unknown reasons. (Some possibilities: No one wants to be made to feel guilty all the time, people like to know what is being said in their churches, Protestant churches don't have quite the history of persecution and, to be precise, shadiness, etc. For more on my opinion of the Catholic Church, with special attention to the systematic suppression of women, please see my Senior Thesis.)

In recent times, the Catholic Church has tried to pull a Madonna. By which I do not mean moving to England and developing a fake British accent. I of course mean, reinventing itself. Yes, Catholicism is attempting the switch from dressing like a whore to adopting children from third-world countries. (My guess is right now they're stuck right around Ray of Light.) They've started doing mass in English in some places, relaxed a couple of lesser tenets, and now they're trying to jazz up the linchpin of Catholicism: The Seven Deadly Sins.

Though you may have noticed I adopt a sort of general sarcasm about Catholicism, I have to admit, I enjoy the Seven Deadly Sins. I like tests that come in 7's (anyone who studied Torts with me can attest to that) and it's nice to have a sort of listing of things to stay away from. Since the time of Gregory I, or Gregory the Great, or G-dizzle as he was known to his closest cardinals, the Seven Big Ones have remained virtually unchanged, despite being sort of pulled out of thin air. Over time, seven demons were assigned to go with the sins, and seven virtues were added so people would have something concrete to strive for.

I have made you a handy chart which you'll probably want to print out and put in your wallet:

Sin	Demon	Virtue
Lust	Asmodeus	Chastity
Gluttony	Beelzebub	Temperance
Greed	Mammon	Charity
Sloth	Belphegor	Diligence
Wrath	Satan	Kindness
Envy	Leviathan	Patience
Pride	Lucifer	Humility

Take some time to think about whether or not you've committed any of these lately. If so, you're probably going to Hell so you might want to just stop reading now and go out and do something awesome instead. If you're already damned, might as well go out with a bang, I say.

Artists and authors throughout the ages have helped to immortalize these sins and keep them in our minds. From Christopher Marlowe to Bertolt Brecht to Racquel Welch's unforgettable portrayal of Lust in the immortal film, Bedazzled. Now we live in a society that even has, wait for it, rubber wrist bands associated with each sin. LiveSlothfully?

But you have to admit, these sins are kind of scary sounding. And Demons? ick. So the Catholic Church has recently added seven new sins to give us a little more social guidance. These newer, prettier, modern sins are: environmental pollution, genetic manipulation, obscene wealth, infliction of poverty, drug trafficking, morally debatable experiments, and violation of the fundamental rights of human nature. They're a little less on the nose than the original, leaving lots of loopholes (what is a fundamental right of human nature?). Notably absent thus far are the associated demons (Dr. Frankenstein is the demon of morally debatable experiments?) and there seem to be no associated virtues (virtue associated with obscene wealth? self-infliction of poverty? no... that's a sin too. I'm going to need more guidance, Benny).

But I feel that if the Catholic Church really wants to appeal to a more modern audience, they ought to come up with more specific sins whose temptation a number of us fall victim to on a daily basis. So I have come up with a new set of the Seven Deadlies for you guys.

The Seven Not-As-Deadly-But-Still-Really-Bad Sins

Sin: Watching Too Much Reality Television
Demon: Ryan Seacrest
Virtue: PBS
If this weren't a sin, there would be nothing stopping you from staying on the couch, watching your 7th hour of America's Next Top Model. Except for, of course, dignity. But you can make up for it by watching 7 hours of PBS Documentaries and gentle educational programming. And hey, you can finally be one of those viewers they're always thanking. The truly virtuous among us get a totebag and a magnet.

Sin: Fast Food Abuse
Demon: Ronald McDonald
Virtue: Wild Oats
No, shopping at Wild Oats doesn't automatically turn you into a hippie, but constantly hitting the drive-thru does turn you into a fattie which is fine and all, if you're happy with yourself. But who really wants to die at 40? And, someone recently studied how much gas you use going through a drive-thru which is sort of laughable now, but in a couple of months when gas is $5 a gallon, you'll be saving every penny wherever you can, so that you're not paying $5 a gallon to drive home to a cardboard box on the sidewalk.

Sin: The Overshare
Demon: The Women of The View
Virtue: Self-Editing
We have ALL been there. You love your friend, but you didn't need a play by play of the sex she had the night before. We've all been tempted to share the intricate details of our doctor visit, but there are some things that are really best left unsaid. Especially to acquaintances, like the woman that works on a different floor in your building when you happen to bump into her in the elevator. Where she is trapped, listening to way too many details about your visit to the OBGYN.

Sin: Celebrity Obsession
Demon: Pat O'Brien
Virtue: Gossiping about your own damn friends
Pat O'Brien may like to talk dirty, but he also likes to talk about Ashley Simpson's nose job, Paris Hilton's party life, and Oprah's latest endeavor (which happens to be launching her own cable channel... what the french toast). If you all stopped caring, then I would all be able to stop hearing about it. Then I wouldn't have to give my opinion on the latest star marriage when I called my grandma. One downside to declaring this a sin would be that we would have no basis for small talk in awkward small talk type situations, like with dental hygienists or bank tellers.

Sin: Giving Your Children Stupid Names
Demon: Gwyneth Paltrow
Virtue: Not Giving Your Children Stupid Names
While I realize that your child will be the only Raisinina in her class, that is not an excuse for naming her that. We're trying so hard to not name our children mainstream things that pretty soon we will live in a world where there will be 4 Rasininas in her class. Isn't it about time to cycle out and start naming our daughters Doris, Bette, Ingrid, and Joyce again? And there's nothing wrong with following the Beatles Naming Theory for boys (Ringo Starr's first name is really Richard, I am certainly not advocating naming your child Ringo). Gwyneth, your child may be the only Apple in her class, but she probably would have been the only Joan too. And who are we kidding, your child will be tutored at home anyway.

Sin: Intensely Private Cell Phone Conversations at Top Volume in Public Places
Demon: that woman in line behind you at the bank, that man in the grocery aisle, your co-worker in the next cubicle over...
Virtue: Privacy
This one sort of goes hand and hand with The Overshare, sort of like Sloth and Gluttony. Only here, all you're trying to do is go about your live without hearing about someone's bunions, or marital troubles, or problems in their sex life. You're just trying to buy some groceries and go home without knowing the details of the plastic surgery the woman in the bread aisle had. People guilty of this are also guilty of obliviousness to your presence, or the fact that they are standing in front of the shelf you need to get to, gabbing away.

Sin: Talking a lot about weird or incomprehensible things or things no one cares about
Demon: John McCain
Virtue: Being somewhat topical or interesting
As I write this, John McCain is giving a speech pretending it's 2013 and telling us what happened in the last 4ish years. Unless John McCain is a soothsayer, which seems unlikely, he's run out of things to say. Some say, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I say, "if you can't say anything interesting, don't say anything at all." First he was on his biography tour ("This is the High School gym where I wrestled...." "This is the soda fountain where I took my first date..." "This is the tool my uncle used to invent the wheel...") and now it's 2013. If you or I talked like it was 5 years from now, people would think we were CRAZY. But this doesn't just go for John McCain, this applies to all of us. No one needs to know exactly how you decided what to eat for lunch. And "how are you?" generally just requires, "I'm fine, you?" not a 20 minute discourse on your week.


Notably absent from all of these lists would be something like... I don't know... murder. So check it out! Murder is not a sin! Use that information wisely. But remember when you pick up your Us Weekly, flip on Big Brother 349, or pick up your child, Telephonica, from school: you're going to Hell.

I can definitely wear this dress again

I'm back! And I bet you thought that I'd try really hard to make this entry great because I made you wait two weeks for it. That was sweet, though completely unfounded.

Anyway, finals are over and I'm back to being a normal human being, rather than one that lives on snack food and caffeinated beverages and never sees the light of day.

Part of being a real human again is having perspective on a number of things I've neglected lately such as the cleanliness of my house (it is seriously not good - my sincere apologies to those I've entertained in the last month or so), what I look like (you know, actually bothering to fix my hair and not just wearing yoga pants and my Hillary Clinton t-shirt everywhere I go), and really who I am in general.

I am a single girl and like many single girls of a certain age, have a number of responsibilities. We live alone or with roommates and so find ourselves responsible for bills or parts of bills and our fair share of housework (or, let's be honest, ladies, sometimes less than our fair share. Please take a moment to thank your roommates.) We are responsible for moisturizing our faces, putting air in our car tires, remembering our birth control, and keeping our red shirts separate from our white shirts. (It is my belief that this is why women have embraced pink. Men could learn a lot from this... or instead could learn about laundry.) We have jobs or are students or have jobs and are students. We are responsible for the care and maintenance of roughly half the world's small dog population, 1/3 of all cats, and fully 80% of betta fish. (As a group, we are solely responsible for the spoiling of all chihuahuas.) We attend church and sporting events, and it is our job to keep Grey's Anatomy on the air. You may wonder, is there anything we can't handle? The answer, of course, is yes. A Diamond Ring. On someone else's finger.

Now, I'm no Bridget Jones, hopelessly romantic, wishing to get engaged, wishing I could be "so lucky." In fact, it matters very little to me whose hand the ring is on- be it former roommate, co-worker, that girl you hate- until it's inches from my face and it comes with the most dreaded five word phrase in the Single Girl Dictionary:

Will You Be a Bridesmaid?

Now, every girl knows that there's only one acceptable answer to that question (barring extreme circumstances such as moving to another city, conveniently scheduled elective surgery, or a well-timed business trip- please note: Emily Post would say it is not acceptable to move or have surgery solely to relieve oneself from the duty) and so you muster your best Bridesmaid Smile and say, "I'd love to!" while your mind immediately flashes to your recurring orange taffeta nightmare.

But now, you've done it. You've crossed the threshold, passed the Point of No Return. You are: A Bridesmaid.


As a Bridesmaid, there are really four responsibilities that you have:

#1- Attire
As a Bridesmaid, it is generally your responsibility to be ugly. Now you can try really hard. You can get your hair fixed up and your make up done but simply nothing is going to dress up puke green or aqua. Why are there bridesmaids? Well, that would be so that guests can look up at the altar and be disgusted by the hideous line of women and rest their attention on the beautiful, pristine woman in white. With some exceptions, it is time honored tradition to dress your bridesmaids in horrible and often gigantic gowns. Some women like to go with dresses that match the carpet or the grass or background of the wedding so that their bridesmaids can literally fade in the background (except of course, until they need them to bustle their skirt or hold their gown up while they pee.) But the best part about the dress is that you will totally wear it again! Every bride says this. And every Bridesmaid says, "absolutely!" and then tucks it in the back of their closet and glances at it occasionally, especially around Halloween.

Bottomline: Bridesmaids are there for assistance, not for beauty. If presented with a color you truly hate, a few subtle hints, ("look at this blue" or "I really love that red") might do the trick. If not, at least you get to drink at the reception. By the end of the night, you won't care if you're even wearing a dress. And really, chances are good you won't be.


#2- Giving Your Opinion.
This one is very tricky. Why? Because there is rarely any discernible difference between the roughly two dozen china patterns you must sift through. And I, personally, can almost never be induced to care whether one ought to have 10 or 12 glasses. Basically this is a total guessing game. Calla lilies or roses? First you try to read the look on the bride's face. (Level of difficulty increases slightly if you're on the telephone. Then you must go for tone of voice. Men may be right. It's nearly impossible to read a woman's tone of voice.) Then you must act like you recognize that there is a difference between the options. "Both have their merits" or "There's so much I like about each of them." And then comes the blind panic where you can't stall any longer and you're forced to to choose! "The roses, " you say. And then the excruciating moment while you wait, with baited breath, to see if you were correct. Because, as I hope everyone knows, if a woman asks a question that requires you to choose between two options, it's really just to validate the choice she has already made.

Bottomline: It is helpful to carry dice, or a coin, or a dart with you at all times.


#3- Showers.
Men, I'm going to stop you right here and say, this shower with multiple women that I'm about to describe, is not at all what you're imagining. A Bridal Shower is potentially the worst experience of your life. Second usually to Baby Showers. (At least at Bridal Showers you rarely have to play the game with the melted candy bars and the diapers. And there are no storks, which are, let's face it, nature's creepiest bird.) To begin with, there is often a theme. Now, I enjoy a theme party as much or slightly more than the next person, but that's when the theme involves costumes. A Bridal Shower rarely involves costumes. I, however, often choose to go in character: as someone who enjoys gushing over kitchenware and can't get enough of tiny tea sandwiches. Add to this obscure family members, or even family members of the groom, whom you must interact with in a non-offensive way. For example, probably not appropriate to tell your friend's soon-to-be mother-in-law about that time in undergrad you were out and she made out with that guy on top of the bar. Definitely not a story for a shower. So then what are you left with? Their china pattern? Perhaps you can delve into the intense thought process you underwent when giving your opinion. Best not to mention that you guessed.

Bottomline: Be prepared to discuss mundane topics with great-aunts and go home with oh-so-useful party favors, like a sachet that looks like your bridesmaid dress. This is great! Because you love that color.

#4- The Big Day
The months, or sometimes years, of Bridesmaid preparation pale in comparison to this, the most important day of your Bridesmaid career. The wedding. You will spend a majority of your time standing, in painful heels (that are of course dyed to match your lovely dress), waiting to be photographed. However, there are a number of other important jobs that you could be faced with. One is the aforementioned bridal bathroom assistance. Your powers of opinion will also be useful here to determine which eye shadow is best, or which hairstyle is best so don't forget to pack a coin in your teeny tiny matching purse. Additionally, that which you learned at the shower will come in handy here when you're forced to make conversation with the assorted party guest. Your role here is mostly over once you dance the obligatory wedding party dance with a groomsman you don't know very well, who you are now linked to because he's your friend's husband's friend. That's practically related. After this, you move on to your most important Bridesmaid duty: sampling the open bar.

Bottomline: Today is a day that is long, but ends in drinking. What more do you need to know?

Men, and women who are newly awakened to the Plight of the Modern Bridesmaid, may wonder why women have bridesmaids to begin with. Will you have bridesmaids, despite your obvious sarcasm in regards to the topic? Well, of course I will. Being a bridesmaid isn't all bad. I mean, at least there's Bachelorette Parties and gifts, and it's nice to be there for your friend. And besides, payback's a bitch.