So it has been about 13 months since the last time you, my faithful and diligent readers, experienced my blog. And many of you may have stumbled upon it for the first time. To you I say, where the hell were you before? Anyway, the blog is back, bitches. Thanks for playing the home game.
Many things have transpired since last we met. I've slept for around 2000 hours, spent somewhere between 330 and 350 hours on youtube, and brushed my teeth approximately 700 times. I discovered Mad Men, I ate goat, and I realized my potential as a sand volleyball phenom. Phenominally bad that is.
An important thing that's happened in the last 331 days is my discovery of this so-called television show on A & E: Intervention. Now, despite having watched around 1200 hours of television since you last heard from me, I can honestly say I have never watched more than around 1.5 minutes of this show. Now, you may be wondering why I'm willing to devote precious blog space to a show I don't watch. But don't worry, I'm planning to tell you.
The reason I don't watch Intervention is because I have digital cable. I flip over to the description and it's like, "blah blah blah alcohol problem" "blah blah blah drug addiction" every single week! And really, I say, who cares.
It is my belief that there are many more pressing addictions and personal issues that should be the subject of this show.
For example:
#1- Facebook
There are two incredibly pressing issues with facebook. The first is if you are someone who starts sentences with, "I saw on facebook that..." or you can't be surprised by anything anyone tells you because, oh, you saw it on facebook already. This is creepy. People do not react well when you already know everything about them. Or so I've heard.
Secondly, you might be a facebook oversharer. I'm sorry you can't pay your mortgage or you have a bizarre medical issue, but your facebook status is not the appropriate place to discuss this. And for the love of God, I do not need to see a picture of your peed-on pregnancy test, and there should never be a caption to a photo that reads, "right after my c-section- look, you can see my guts!" No. Just no.
To break your family member or friend of their facebook habit, the obvious solution is to cancel their facebook account. I'm not sure this is harsh enough. I say let them keep it, but ban them from Yoville. That will really hurt.
#2- White Rappers
There's really not much that needs to be said about this. Really, Vanilla Ice, all you heard was shells? What, like seashells? Were you near an ocean? Take heed guys, he's a lyrical poet. You know who else was a lyrical poet? Shakespeare. And he wasn't hard either. Take those words to your mother.
To break your friend or family member of their white rapping addiction, all you need to do is hold a mirror up in front of them and point out how ridiculous they look. They do not look cool. They just look like a white guy wearing way too much FUBU.
#3- Apostrophe Abusers
I have a few pet peeves. (I'm looking at you, people who drive in the turn lane on Nicholasville Road.) However, none strike's up a more virulent hatred in me than those who fail to follow the rules' of grammar. And no mistake is more prevalent than the excessive use of apostrophe's. It is not necessary to use an apostrophe each time something need's to become plural. It's amazing to me, in a society based on laziness, that we would go out of our way to make the effort to add an extra punctuation mark. We will get in our car's and drive one block to obtain our double cheese thickburger at Hardee's but let's add an entire unnecessary punctuation mark to our signage. Oh, and quotation mark's. Not "everything" need's to be in "quotation" mark's. What are you quoting??
To break your family member's, friend's, local business'es, and stranger's of this habit, you must point it out to the in the snootiest way possible. Do not hesitate to stop your car by the side of the road, get out, and remove an apostrophe from a church marquee. It's for the good of "everyone."
#4- People Who Don't Like Journey
A wise philosopher/Bachelor contestant once said, "If you say you don't like Journey, you're a damn liar." I fully realize that in the past few years, it has become incredibly popular to like Journey. There is one reason for this: Journey. is. Awesome. It is my firm belief that anyone who says they don't like Journey is secretly listening to "Open Arms" on repeat in their bedroom at night. I'm not wrong about this.
To break your friends and family of this issue, you should take them to any bar full of drunk, white college kids, play Don't Stop Believin' on the jukebox, and let the mass appreciation ensue.
#5- People Who Think Rockband is Real
When you spend much of your time playing our generation's greatest video game experience, Rockband, or its bastard cousin Guitar Hero, sometimes the lines blur between reality and being an amazing musician. This just in: you're just a dude sitting in his house pressing plastic buttons, you're not "unplugged." And girls in bars are significantly unimpressed by the fact that you're a drummer when it turns out that your "drumset" is connected to a playstation 2.
To break your friends and family members of this problem, you should get them a gig or enter them in a Battle of the Bands. Then invite everyone they know. Then laugh and point.
Please feel free to forward this to A&E. And mark your calendars for Fridays. Fridays are blog days.
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