The Five Things That Make Men Hot

or, Another of Anna's Brilliant Theories

Disclaimer:
Prior to writing my blog entry each week, I like to run my topic past one or two people, generally whoever happens to be either at my table in the library or available on instant messenger. If they laugh, then I figure I'm on the right track. This week I had mixed responses:


Renee Ferrell: "Well, if you can't think of anything better."
Sarah Walling: "Oooh. I like your universal truths... they are... well... universal..."

So, do with that what you will.

The Five Things That Make Men Hot

To begin with, I would like to mention that there are numerous meanings to the term, "hot." Webster's Dictionary... okay, dictionary.com, defines Hot in about 78,000 different ways. The way I see it, there are a limited number of categories of hotness:

Al Roker Hot
This refers to "temperature hot" as in the weather or a hot cup of coffee.
Ex: It's going to be a hot one today folks, leave the sweaters at home! Haha, I'm such a funny weatherman.

Emeril Hot
This refers to "spicy hot" as in curry or chili peppers.
Ex: Anna loves the potato soup at Chili's because it is so hot. She'd love to go there tonight when you get out of your writing classes.

Bobby Knight Hot
This refers to "angry hot" as in that call was so bad, I want to throw a chair at your face.
Ex: Some of the things Ann Coulter says make me so hot.

Jenna Jameson Hot
This refers to what dictionary.com calls: "slang. sexually aroused; lustful"
Ex: Some of the things Ann Coulter says make me so hot. (This is only in specific cases, such as a certain ex-boyfriend of mine with a giant poster of her in his bedroom.)

Paris Hilton Hot
This refers to things that are "new; fresh; very cool."
Ex: "That's hot." - Paris Hilton

George Clooney Hot
This refers to what dictionary.com considers, "slang. sexy; attractive."
Ex: Did you read Anna's blog entry about the five things that make guys hot?


Clearly, throughout the remainder of the blawg, you should refer to the final definition.


And now... The Five Things.


#1: Guitars
A guitar is the representative sample of musical ability. Musical Ability is very hot. It's 90% of the reason why men like Ozzie Osbourne continue to get laid (10%- money). (Musical Ability is why really nice girls date guys in bands that their friend, Darnell, will make fun of 6 years later.) It does matter, however, what your musical ability is. Electric Guitar? Hot... Piano? Sensitive and Hot... Kazoos? Definitely Not Hot.
Examples: Jon Bon Jovi, Joe Perry (my secret rockstar boyfriend), Jim Morrison

#2: Accents
Accents are the representative sample of nothing. Accents stand alone. Accents are hot. I, of course, mean nice, splendid accents. Not backwoods Georgia accents (my apologies to my loyal Georgia fanbase) but delightful accents. Accents in which you'd make him read you everything in your house, even your credit card statement, and you'd be ever so pleased.
Examples: Clive Owen, Collin Firth, Sean Connery

#3: Uniforms
Oh, uniforms. This category also includes tuxedos, or nice suits. This category does not include any employee uniform from a fast food establishment. No, I do not want fries with that silly pointy hat. In an informal survey of all the women in my household (me), uniforms and formal attire make the average male 57% hotter. That means if you're normally a 7, you could become a 10(+). Now, that's math worth doing.
Examples: Men in Uniform, Groomsmen

#4: Motorcycles
This category includes nice transportation in general. We've come along way from being 16 when a boy having a car was a big deal to a place where the importance is placed on nice, fancy cars. 1998 Mercury Tracer? Not Hot. Cadillac CTS? Hot. Hyundai Santa Fe? Okay, that can count. (There, Darnell, are you happy? You're an example.)

#5: Kids/Pets or Sports
This category rotates depending on what sort of mood I'm in when I relay my theory. Sports are an obvious choice (see Tom Brady, David Beckham), so I don't like to include them when I'm desirous of being thought-provoking and mysterious, which is fairly often. Kids/pets though require a little more explaining. To begin with, having kids is really not all that hot. I prefer kids that can be given back at the end of the day. So having nieces and nephews or godchildren or friends' kids, liking them, and being good with them- this is hot. Additionally, having a dog is hot. But with most things, you do have to consider the type of dog. Poodle? Not Hot. Rottweiler? Scary. Chocolate Lab? Now, that's a hot dog. (pun intended)

So, go ahead men. Take my advice to heart, restructure your life around it.