Seven Not-As-Deadly Sins

I suspect it's only fair that I start off by explaining that I'm not Catholic. I have a very small amount of exposure to Catholicism, some assorted married-in family members, a few wedding and funeral masses, and pretty much every guy I've ever dated. That combined with one article in Time magazine, a few stories on cnn.com, and some recent wikipedia research is the entire basis for this entry in which I present, this, my undeniably expert opinion, on the Seven Deadly Sins.

It's not a secret that the Catholic Church is having a sort of Crisis of Membership lately for some unknown reasons. (Some possibilities: No one wants to be made to feel guilty all the time, people like to know what is being said in their churches, Protestant churches don't have quite the history of persecution and, to be precise, shadiness, etc. For more on my opinion of the Catholic Church, with special attention to the systematic suppression of women, please see my Senior Thesis.)

In recent times, the Catholic Church has tried to pull a Madonna. By which I do not mean moving to England and developing a fake British accent. I of course mean, reinventing itself. Yes, Catholicism is attempting the switch from dressing like a whore to adopting children from third-world countries. (My guess is right now they're stuck right around Ray of Light.) They've started doing mass in English in some places, relaxed a couple of lesser tenets, and now they're trying to jazz up the linchpin of Catholicism: The Seven Deadly Sins.

Though you may have noticed I adopt a sort of general sarcasm about Catholicism, I have to admit, I enjoy the Seven Deadly Sins. I like tests that come in 7's (anyone who studied Torts with me can attest to that) and it's nice to have a sort of listing of things to stay away from. Since the time of Gregory I, or Gregory the Great, or G-dizzle as he was known to his closest cardinals, the Seven Big Ones have remained virtually unchanged, despite being sort of pulled out of thin air. Over time, seven demons were assigned to go with the sins, and seven virtues were added so people would have something concrete to strive for.

I have made you a handy chart which you'll probably want to print out and put in your wallet:

Sin	Demon	Virtue
Lust	Asmodeus	Chastity
Gluttony	Beelzebub	Temperance
Greed	Mammon	Charity
Sloth	Belphegor	Diligence
Wrath	Satan	Kindness
Envy	Leviathan	Patience
Pride	Lucifer	Humility

Take some time to think about whether or not you've committed any of these lately. If so, you're probably going to Hell so you might want to just stop reading now and go out and do something awesome instead. If you're already damned, might as well go out with a bang, I say.

Artists and authors throughout the ages have helped to immortalize these sins and keep them in our minds. From Christopher Marlowe to Bertolt Brecht to Racquel Welch's unforgettable portrayal of Lust in the immortal film, Bedazzled. Now we live in a society that even has, wait for it, rubber wrist bands associated with each sin. LiveSlothfully?

But you have to admit, these sins are kind of scary sounding. And Demons? ick. So the Catholic Church has recently added seven new sins to give us a little more social guidance. These newer, prettier, modern sins are: environmental pollution, genetic manipulation, obscene wealth, infliction of poverty, drug trafficking, morally debatable experiments, and violation of the fundamental rights of human nature. They're a little less on the nose than the original, leaving lots of loopholes (what is a fundamental right of human nature?). Notably absent thus far are the associated demons (Dr. Frankenstein is the demon of morally debatable experiments?) and there seem to be no associated virtues (virtue associated with obscene wealth? self-infliction of poverty? no... that's a sin too. I'm going to need more guidance, Benny).

But I feel that if the Catholic Church really wants to appeal to a more modern audience, they ought to come up with more specific sins whose temptation a number of us fall victim to on a daily basis. So I have come up with a new set of the Seven Deadlies for you guys.

The Seven Not-As-Deadly-But-Still-Really-Bad Sins

Sin: Watching Too Much Reality Television
Demon: Ryan Seacrest
Virtue: PBS
If this weren't a sin, there would be nothing stopping you from staying on the couch, watching your 7th hour of America's Next Top Model. Except for, of course, dignity. But you can make up for it by watching 7 hours of PBS Documentaries and gentle educational programming. And hey, you can finally be one of those viewers they're always thanking. The truly virtuous among us get a totebag and a magnet.

Sin: Fast Food Abuse
Demon: Ronald McDonald
Virtue: Wild Oats
No, shopping at Wild Oats doesn't automatically turn you into a hippie, but constantly hitting the drive-thru does turn you into a fattie which is fine and all, if you're happy with yourself. But who really wants to die at 40? And, someone recently studied how much gas you use going through a drive-thru which is sort of laughable now, but in a couple of months when gas is $5 a gallon, you'll be saving every penny wherever you can, so that you're not paying $5 a gallon to drive home to a cardboard box on the sidewalk.

Sin: The Overshare
Demon: The Women of The View
Virtue: Self-Editing
We have ALL been there. You love your friend, but you didn't need a play by play of the sex she had the night before. We've all been tempted to share the intricate details of our doctor visit, but there are some things that are really best left unsaid. Especially to acquaintances, like the woman that works on a different floor in your building when you happen to bump into her in the elevator. Where she is trapped, listening to way too many details about your visit to the OBGYN.

Sin: Celebrity Obsession
Demon: Pat O'Brien
Virtue: Gossiping about your own damn friends
Pat O'Brien may like to talk dirty, but he also likes to talk about Ashley Simpson's nose job, Paris Hilton's party life, and Oprah's latest endeavor (which happens to be launching her own cable channel... what the french toast). If you all stopped caring, then I would all be able to stop hearing about it. Then I wouldn't have to give my opinion on the latest star marriage when I called my grandma. One downside to declaring this a sin would be that we would have no basis for small talk in awkward small talk type situations, like with dental hygienists or bank tellers.

Sin: Giving Your Children Stupid Names
Demon: Gwyneth Paltrow
Virtue: Not Giving Your Children Stupid Names
While I realize that your child will be the only Raisinina in her class, that is not an excuse for naming her that. We're trying so hard to not name our children mainstream things that pretty soon we will live in a world where there will be 4 Rasininas in her class. Isn't it about time to cycle out and start naming our daughters Doris, Bette, Ingrid, and Joyce again? And there's nothing wrong with following the Beatles Naming Theory for boys (Ringo Starr's first name is really Richard, I am certainly not advocating naming your child Ringo). Gwyneth, your child may be the only Apple in her class, but she probably would have been the only Joan too. And who are we kidding, your child will be tutored at home anyway.

Sin: Intensely Private Cell Phone Conversations at Top Volume in Public Places
Demon: that woman in line behind you at the bank, that man in the grocery aisle, your co-worker in the next cubicle over...
Virtue: Privacy
This one sort of goes hand and hand with The Overshare, sort of like Sloth and Gluttony. Only here, all you're trying to do is go about your live without hearing about someone's bunions, or marital troubles, or problems in their sex life. You're just trying to buy some groceries and go home without knowing the details of the plastic surgery the woman in the bread aisle had. People guilty of this are also guilty of obliviousness to your presence, or the fact that they are standing in front of the shelf you need to get to, gabbing away.

Sin: Talking a lot about weird or incomprehensible things or things no one cares about
Demon: John McCain
Virtue: Being somewhat topical or interesting
As I write this, John McCain is giving a speech pretending it's 2013 and telling us what happened in the last 4ish years. Unless John McCain is a soothsayer, which seems unlikely, he's run out of things to say. Some say, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I say, "if you can't say anything interesting, don't say anything at all." First he was on his biography tour ("This is the High School gym where I wrestled...." "This is the soda fountain where I took my first date..." "This is the tool my uncle used to invent the wheel...") and now it's 2013. If you or I talked like it was 5 years from now, people would think we were CRAZY. But this doesn't just go for John McCain, this applies to all of us. No one needs to know exactly how you decided what to eat for lunch. And "how are you?" generally just requires, "I'm fine, you?" not a 20 minute discourse on your week.


Notably absent from all of these lists would be something like... I don't know... murder. So check it out! Murder is not a sin! Use that information wisely. But remember when you pick up your Us Weekly, flip on Big Brother 349, or pick up your child, Telephonica, from school: you're going to Hell.