I can definitely wear this dress again

I'm back! And I bet you thought that I'd try really hard to make this entry great because I made you wait two weeks for it. That was sweet, though completely unfounded.

Anyway, finals are over and I'm back to being a normal human being, rather than one that lives on snack food and caffeinated beverages and never sees the light of day.

Part of being a real human again is having perspective on a number of things I've neglected lately such as the cleanliness of my house (it is seriously not good - my sincere apologies to those I've entertained in the last month or so), what I look like (you know, actually bothering to fix my hair and not just wearing yoga pants and my Hillary Clinton t-shirt everywhere I go), and really who I am in general.

I am a single girl and like many single girls of a certain age, have a number of responsibilities. We live alone or with roommates and so find ourselves responsible for bills or parts of bills and our fair share of housework (or, let's be honest, ladies, sometimes less than our fair share. Please take a moment to thank your roommates.) We are responsible for moisturizing our faces, putting air in our car tires, remembering our birth control, and keeping our red shirts separate from our white shirts. (It is my belief that this is why women have embraced pink. Men could learn a lot from this... or instead could learn about laundry.) We have jobs or are students or have jobs and are students. We are responsible for the care and maintenance of roughly half the world's small dog population, 1/3 of all cats, and fully 80% of betta fish. (As a group, we are solely responsible for the spoiling of all chihuahuas.) We attend church and sporting events, and it is our job to keep Grey's Anatomy on the air. You may wonder, is there anything we can't handle? The answer, of course, is yes. A Diamond Ring. On someone else's finger.

Now, I'm no Bridget Jones, hopelessly romantic, wishing to get engaged, wishing I could be "so lucky." In fact, it matters very little to me whose hand the ring is on- be it former roommate, co-worker, that girl you hate- until it's inches from my face and it comes with the most dreaded five word phrase in the Single Girl Dictionary:

Will You Be a Bridesmaid?

Now, every girl knows that there's only one acceptable answer to that question (barring extreme circumstances such as moving to another city, conveniently scheduled elective surgery, or a well-timed business trip- please note: Emily Post would say it is not acceptable to move or have surgery solely to relieve oneself from the duty) and so you muster your best Bridesmaid Smile and say, "I'd love to!" while your mind immediately flashes to your recurring orange taffeta nightmare.

But now, you've done it. You've crossed the threshold, passed the Point of No Return. You are: A Bridesmaid.


As a Bridesmaid, there are really four responsibilities that you have:

#1- Attire
As a Bridesmaid, it is generally your responsibility to be ugly. Now you can try really hard. You can get your hair fixed up and your make up done but simply nothing is going to dress up puke green or aqua. Why are there bridesmaids? Well, that would be so that guests can look up at the altar and be disgusted by the hideous line of women and rest their attention on the beautiful, pristine woman in white. With some exceptions, it is time honored tradition to dress your bridesmaids in horrible and often gigantic gowns. Some women like to go with dresses that match the carpet or the grass or background of the wedding so that their bridesmaids can literally fade in the background (except of course, until they need them to bustle their skirt or hold their gown up while they pee.) But the best part about the dress is that you will totally wear it again! Every bride says this. And every Bridesmaid says, "absolutely!" and then tucks it in the back of their closet and glances at it occasionally, especially around Halloween.

Bottomline: Bridesmaids are there for assistance, not for beauty. If presented with a color you truly hate, a few subtle hints, ("look at this blue" or "I really love that red") might do the trick. If not, at least you get to drink at the reception. By the end of the night, you won't care if you're even wearing a dress. And really, chances are good you won't be.


#2- Giving Your Opinion.
This one is very tricky. Why? Because there is rarely any discernible difference between the roughly two dozen china patterns you must sift through. And I, personally, can almost never be induced to care whether one ought to have 10 or 12 glasses. Basically this is a total guessing game. Calla lilies or roses? First you try to read the look on the bride's face. (Level of difficulty increases slightly if you're on the telephone. Then you must go for tone of voice. Men may be right. It's nearly impossible to read a woman's tone of voice.) Then you must act like you recognize that there is a difference between the options. "Both have their merits" or "There's so much I like about each of them." And then comes the blind panic where you can't stall any longer and you're forced to to choose! "The roses, " you say. And then the excruciating moment while you wait, with baited breath, to see if you were correct. Because, as I hope everyone knows, if a woman asks a question that requires you to choose between two options, it's really just to validate the choice she has already made.

Bottomline: It is helpful to carry dice, or a coin, or a dart with you at all times.


#3- Showers.
Men, I'm going to stop you right here and say, this shower with multiple women that I'm about to describe, is not at all what you're imagining. A Bridal Shower is potentially the worst experience of your life. Second usually to Baby Showers. (At least at Bridal Showers you rarely have to play the game with the melted candy bars and the diapers. And there are no storks, which are, let's face it, nature's creepiest bird.) To begin with, there is often a theme. Now, I enjoy a theme party as much or slightly more than the next person, but that's when the theme involves costumes. A Bridal Shower rarely involves costumes. I, however, often choose to go in character: as someone who enjoys gushing over kitchenware and can't get enough of tiny tea sandwiches. Add to this obscure family members, or even family members of the groom, whom you must interact with in a non-offensive way. For example, probably not appropriate to tell your friend's soon-to-be mother-in-law about that time in undergrad you were out and she made out with that guy on top of the bar. Definitely not a story for a shower. So then what are you left with? Their china pattern? Perhaps you can delve into the intense thought process you underwent when giving your opinion. Best not to mention that you guessed.

Bottomline: Be prepared to discuss mundane topics with great-aunts and go home with oh-so-useful party favors, like a sachet that looks like your bridesmaid dress. This is great! Because you love that color.

#4- The Big Day
The months, or sometimes years, of Bridesmaid preparation pale in comparison to this, the most important day of your Bridesmaid career. The wedding. You will spend a majority of your time standing, in painful heels (that are of course dyed to match your lovely dress), waiting to be photographed. However, there are a number of other important jobs that you could be faced with. One is the aforementioned bridal bathroom assistance. Your powers of opinion will also be useful here to determine which eye shadow is best, or which hairstyle is best so don't forget to pack a coin in your teeny tiny matching purse. Additionally, that which you learned at the shower will come in handy here when you're forced to make conversation with the assorted party guest. Your role here is mostly over once you dance the obligatory wedding party dance with a groomsman you don't know very well, who you are now linked to because he's your friend's husband's friend. That's practically related. After this, you move on to your most important Bridesmaid duty: sampling the open bar.

Bottomline: Today is a day that is long, but ends in drinking. What more do you need to know?

Men, and women who are newly awakened to the Plight of the Modern Bridesmaid, may wonder why women have bridesmaids to begin with. Will you have bridesmaids, despite your obvious sarcasm in regards to the topic? Well, of course I will. Being a bridesmaid isn't all bad. I mean, at least there's Bachelorette Parties and gifts, and it's nice to be there for your friend. And besides, payback's a bitch.