My Other Car is a Porsche

If there's one thing I don't approve of, it's people who forget to blog on their appointed blog day.

If there's a second thing I don't approve of, it's bumper stickers. Not just for cars anymore, even facebook allows you to send your wittiest one-liners to all your friends, free of charge. Bumper stickers are dangerous for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that some people might come perilously close to rear-ending people while reading their bumper sticker... I mean, not that I would ever do something like that of course... Additionally, what if you get tired of letting everyone know that the more people you meet, the more you like your cat? And what if your honor student doesn't do so well this semester?

There are a number of different types of bumper stickers and I will inevitably forget to list some. So deal with it. But I will examine a few of the more popular.

Political
In an unofficial survey, it was discovered that people who live at my house are 67% more likely to cut someone off, or discount their presence on the road if they have a "W. The President." sticker in their window. Though, at this point I suppose a responsible driver should be more aware and allowing of their fellow "W" driver, as that person is clearly an idiot.

While political bumper stickers are the most popular type of bumper sticker (I assume. I don't really know), the danger of political bumper stickers is that your candidate might not pull it out. (See: Kentucky citizens with Ernie Fletcher bumper stickers)

Religious
Those little Ichthus fish are okay. Plus a really easy way to be just super awesome is to get one with little feet on it that says "Darwin." (Please note: In the previous sentence, "just super awesome" means "a douche.")

But, "God is my copilot" is saying exactly what to your fellow drivers? First of all, I am certain that the correct sentiment religiously should be that God is your driver. Additionally, what does it say about your driving? Clearly God is not going to allow any car he is riding in to have an accident. This throws up a giant red flag for me. And on this flag are printed the words, "I am not a careful driver."

Alcohol
Bumper stickers that indicate or promote the use of alcohol are barely worth mentioning because they are entirely ludicrous.

Some examples:
"Drive carefully. You might hit a bump and spill your beer."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"

If you're dead set on getting a bumper sticker that deals with alcohol, might I suggest:

"Please, officer, pull me over and administer the Field Sobriety Test."

Isn't that what you're saying anyway?

The Ex/My Wife...
I sincerely hope that any wife whose husband drives a car that says, "My wife's other car is a broom stick" or "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she'll leave me. Gosh, I'll miss her," is absolutely covered with diamonds. Men, this bumper sticker screams, "I am an idiot. Avoid me on the road like you would a guy with a "W" sticker." (Bonus idiocy points if you have both.)

Additionally, why choose a sticker like, "My ex gave me a reason to live. I want revenge!" or "My ex is proof that evolution is a fairy tale."? Does this not say I am a bitter and vengeful woman who will not think twice about running men off the road? Look out, men. (Especially if this is paired with, "BITCH: Babe In Total Control of Herself" or "Not All Men are Annoying. Some are Dead.")


My Other Car Is...
Let me be clear. No one cares what your "other car" is. Because no one believes you are driving anything other than that old '95 Ford Taurus with the front headlight missing and the back bumper crumpled in.


How's My Driving?
I would be interested to know if anyone actually ever calls in to tell people how their driving is. Or if those are real numbers. What's nice about those is that they give the impression that you actually care what the other drivers on the road think.

What's not nice are any of the following:
"If you can't stand my driving, stay off the sidewalk!"
"Ever had a loaded weapon pointed at you? Keep honking!"
"There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead."

It's so good to know you care about those on the road around you.

But the winner (loser?) is...
Honorable Mention goes to the support ribbons (Support Farting? I think we might have crossed the threshold into supporting too many things. But thank you for doing so much for the war effort by adding that yellow troops magnetic ribbon to your car. I know our men in Iraq and Afghanistan really appreciate it. Almost as much as they'd appreciate supplies and armor.) But the number one car accoutrement that bothers me is the very first thing that any new parents seems to purchase. "Baby on Board" Oh my god, I'm so glad you put that in your window! I was just about to ram my car into yours for no reason. But now that I know there's a baby on board... Wow. Good thing I saw that sign.