My New BFF

Hey, bitches. I don't know if you've heard, but Paris Hilton is in the market for a new BFF. (This means "best friend forever" for all you losers/clueless mothers out there.) It's quite a competition, though, so you'll need to bring your A Game.

Now that's hot.

MTV, always looking to make The Next Great Ridiculous Reality Television Show, has offered to help Paris on her quest. Instead of relying on school, work, or hobbies to develop friendships with those around her with similar personalities or common interests, Paris Hilton is oh so lucky to be able to streamline this entire process with http://parisbff.com. You, loyal fans of Paris, can peruse the profiles and vote for your top choice. I mean, who knows her better than the millions of strangers with internet access? So convenient for the socialite on-the-go, too busy to form her own friendships!

Having spent a lot of time on this website today, I can affirmatively tell you that there are a number of viable candidates for the job. The current Number One goes by the name of BenjyBenjy and is a self-described bitchy, fierce, and uberfierce gentleman. What a combination!!

Always thinking, the savvy Miss Hilton has allowed you to post your collection of videos, blogs, and photos that best exemplify why you are the perfect friend for her. She only asks you three questions. And indeed, they are the three questions that I ask most people I intend to become friends with (just ask Todd).

#1: What's the wildest thing you've ever done?
#2: What's a secret you wouldn't want to come out when you become famous?
#3: How would you fit into my socialite circle?

Without a doubt, the profiles and videos are giving Paris a lot of options, but I wanted to submit a few more, considering I have a fundamental difference of opinion with Paris as to how she spends her time and money. (I think Rosie said it best when she said, "She has millions of dollars. She could eat anything she wants. Why is she skinny?")


Susan B. Anthony
Despite being rather dead, I feel Susan B. Anthony would be a calming influence to Paris. A reminder of a "simpler time" when women had absolutely no rights whatsoever. Paris could use a little reminding of a time when women were prevented from owning property, could not own businesses, were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments, and couldn't just run around in tiny skirts, carrying tiny dogs, and having a ridiculously large impact on the lives of ordinary citizens. Wildest thing she's ever done? Getting arrested for voting illegally. Secret she wouldn't want to come out when she's famous? She never learned how to do long division. (Not to be preachy, but seriously, her teacher refused to teach her because she was a woman.) Role in Paris Hilton's socialite circle? Maybe she could get those girls to care about something more than cocaine and nice cars.

Sue Johanson
The 77 year-old host of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson, has at least one common interest with Paris: sex. Wildest thing she's ever done? Opened the first birth control clinic at a high school in Canada. Secret? If you've seen her show (Sunday nights on Oxygen), you know that this woman has no secrets. Role in the socialite circle? Running down the street after the girls, waving handfuls of condoms.

Margaret Sanger
A lady on my top 10 favorites list, Margaret Sanger and Paris Hilton have another important interest in common: birth control. Paris Hilton probably couldn't name who was responsible for the drug that's revolutionized her life, but that would be Ms. Margaret Sanger. Wildest thing she's ever done? She was wild and crazy and violated the Comstock Law and various obscenity laws by distributing information on how women can limit the number of pregnancies they have and encouraging the use and development of birth control. Secret she wouldn't want to get out? She had an affair with H.G. Wells. Role in the socialite circle? Probably cooking for the group... or... you know... disseminating birth control.

Sandra Day O'Connor
One of my all-time favorite women and all-around great person, Paris Hilton would be lucky to have her as her sidekick. Known for her logical, methodical decision making, Paris might not like having to wait for her opinion to get published, but she'd like it when she got it. Wildest thing she's ever done? Send a pithy reply to a New York Times editorial. Secret she wouldn't want to get out? She dated William Rehnquist in law school. (That's right, folks, choose your law school dates wisely, they could end up being appointed to the same life-long job as you. Kind of sheds a new light on the amicable breakup, right Renee?) Role in the socialite circle? Sewing white frilly collars into all of Paris's dresses and teaching her what a nice pearl necklace really means.


Honorable Mention: Barack Obama
Though, not a woman and thus lacking my prerequisite (What? Could this have been a secret excuse to teach a mini-lesson on Women's History?), Barack Obama would be an excellent friend for Paris Hilton. In fact, he's an obvious choice. He's tall, really hot right now, and would look undeniably great carrying a teacup chihuahua in a pink sweater. Wildest thing he's done? He inhaled (because that was the point.) Secret he wouldn't want to come out when he's famous? Check this out: he's already famous. If he had a secret, we'd know it. Or at the very least Hillary Clinton knows it and we'll find out on April 21st. How would he fit into Paris's socialite circle? I see his role as mostly that of hope. As in, hoping she doesn't get arrested that evening.


Alright, I've got to go make my video for parisbff.com.