How To...

It occurs to me that most of you are probably relying on my blog for more than just to get you through Property without dozing off. Yes, most of you are relying on my blog as a handy and succinct guide to live your lives, right?

See, I knew it.

So today, I provide you with some of my handiest "how to" tips, which no doubt you'll want to implement immediately.

HOW TO BARGAIN SHOP
Groceries:
The first thing you'll want to do is make a grocery list. Be sure to put every imaginable thing you could possibly want on the list, cost is no limit. This allows you to spend a maximum amount of time standing in the snack food aisle determining whether you really can justify buying 8 different types of pretzels. Finals are coming, so you can. (Helpful Hint: Any calories you consume while studying don't count! This does not mean you can just hold a casebook while you eat a whole cake. I mean actively studying- putting in a dvd and opening books all around you while you eat.)

When you arrive at the grocery store, start all the way in the far right aisle (This is my favorite aisle, the cheese aisle, in my Kroger. I don't know about yours.)

Now follow these steps:
1. Pick up item you have on list.
2. Look immediately to the right and left of the item you wish to purchase. Identify store brand.
3. Replace the desired item, with the only psychologically less desirable off-brand item. (Seriously, Kroger's "spaghetti-rings with meat" tastes exactly the same as "spaghetti-o's with meatballs.")

You should follow these steps with every item you wish to buy.

Exception to the Rule: There are three items you NEVER want to cheap out on or else you will be very sorry. Fortunately, this handy mnemonic device will assist you.

The Three T's of Bargain Shopping:
Tequila
Tampons
Toilet Paper

Clothing:
Bargain shopping for clothes can be a bit trickier (to borrow a bit of the Ausness lexicon). The key to bargain shopping for clothes is justification. Someone once told me that if you can think of three places to wear an item of clothing you should get it. But really, can't you justify two? Especially if it's two you spend a lot of time at, such as school or work? And honestly, one will probably be enough. I mean, maybe that dress (or suit, to be gender inclusive) you want to buy for your friend's wedding is really expensive, but lots of your friends will get married and you'll need something to wear for those too, right? (Helpful Hint: Brides tend to get upset if you show up to their weddings naked!) You'll simply put this on your credit card and then not go out to eat until you pay it off, right? Yep, that's exactly what Visa wants you to think.

The gist: As long as you can justify it's okay! And remember, people are constantly inundating you with free t-shirts, so it's not like you'll go naked if you blow your whole clothing budget on a new pair of shoes.

HOW TO PROCRASTINATE PRODUCTIVELY
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." That's really cute. If you live your life by this maxim, might I suggest you use your unencumbered free time to cross-stitch that onto a throw pillow and leave me the hell alone. The rest of us understand that 90% of any good project is procrastination. For example, I spent 20 minutes looking at cartoons and pictures that came up when I google image searched "procrastination" before beginning to write this blog.

Steps for Effective Procrastination*:
1. Make a list of everything that needs to be done. Start with the important schoolwork or other pressing tasks to accomplish. Then look around. What else needs to be done? Be sure to add to your list every single thing. Also, if things have multiple steps, you should list them separately. Example: "do dishes" breaks down into "empty dishwasher" and "load dishwasher" From cleaning out your e-mail inbox, to organizing your desktop, to taking out the garbage, to writing the 20 page paper that's due tomorrow, everything should be given equal weight.
2. Start with the simplest task to accomplish. Check it off! Take a break. You've e-mailed your aunt back, so now you deserve to watch a half hour of tv. And while you're at it, don't you need to clean out your DVR? You'll need to check that off, no matter how long it takes.
3. Gather and sort all your laundry. It will be unnecessary to begin the washing process. You can do that later.
4. It is undoubtedly time to eat a meal at this point. Probably dinner. Do that.
5. After dinner is a perfect time to do the dishes.
6. Accomplish any tasks on your list that involve cleaning. It is impossible, or at least improbable, to get any work done when your house is such a mess!
7. Of course it is unnecessary to accomplish everything on your list, but as long as the majority of the simple tasks have been completed, you can call it a success! If it is not midnight, you can continue to do the rest of your list, or (and this is a clear choice) take a well deserved break.
8. Midnight. Alright. It's time to start the thing that's due tomorrow.
9. Oh my god, did you forget to blog? And what's happening in the world? Better check cnn.com. Oh and facebook. Wouldn't want to miss a single status update.

*Note: Some people, after creating a list, will create a schedule. For example, one might say, "It's 3:00 now. I will finish my blog and read contracts and be out of here by 5:00." A true procrastinator will finish her blog around 4:30 and then play a number of games of Mario online ("I'll just play until I die"). At 5:00, she would be able to justify just going on home with her books. ("I'll get work done there, I'm sure.")

HOW TO DRESS FOR THE WEATHER
My third and final How To tip for the day is important especially for the large number of my avid readers who are not Kentuckians. If Kentucky were to have seasons, we would have two: Summer and Autwintmerspring. In Autwintmerspring, the season that encompasses 10 of the 12 months of the year (excluding July and August), the weather is liable to change with a mere second's notice. That means you have to be very prepared when you leave the house in the morning. You'll want to be sure to dress for a 50 degree temperature range as well as any sort of foreseeable precipitation. (Helpful Hint: In ice or a medium amount of snow, you will usually get to leave wherever you are and head home early.)

Suggested Outfit:
Shoes- Flip flops are cool and breezy when it's hot outside, and are adaptable to lots of precipitation as feet do in fact dry. Flip flops are not great when it's snowing, however, which is why I recommend keeping a spare pare of rainboots with you at all times.

Pants- Those pants that unzip and become shorts. They probably have a name, most likely it's something clever like, "Perfect Kentucky Pants" or "These Pants Are the Kind that Become Shorts." The benefit to these pants, is that in case of hot weather, the pieces you unzipped off can become a visor, or handkerchief to mop up.

Shirt: This is going to require layers. First: spaghetti strap tank top or sleeveless undershirt (are the kids still calling these "wifebeaters"?) Next short-sleeved t-shirt. Follow this up with a long sleeved t-shirt, then a hooded sweatshirt ( hoodies- the only fanny pack it's been acceptable to wear since 1995) . You will want to carry a thick winter coat with you at all times as well.

Hat: You'll definitely need a hat, either a sun hat, baseball cap, or toboggan. You can carry the spares with you as well.

You're probably wondering how in the world you're supposed to carry all these things with you. Haven't you ever wondered why so many people have those wheelie backpacks?


Alright. I don't want to overwhelm you, so go ahead and implement these three pieces of advice to affirmatively change your life. Then, when I feel you're ready, grasshopper, I will be glad to continue your training.