A Handy Dandy Guide to Girls

Now, I've gotten a lot of criticism of my ongoing series on how to live your life (you know, Part One: Dance Dance Exculpation and Part Two: Personal Negative Attack Ads). In fact, one of my more aggressively critical fans was nice enough to tell me those were my worst and second worst entries respectively.

So in honor of said critic, whom we will call "Shmarnell SmcCoy" (wouldn't want to embarass you, Darnell!), I present the first part of my second ongoing (neverending?) series, my guide to male-female relationships.


Part One: Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Girl*

*It is important to note that many of these apply to all relationships with women, not just romantic relationships. You know that your sister is going to be just as mad as your girlfriend if you insinuate she's gained some weight, right? I hope you do, or else this is going to be a very very long series.

#10: You're being irrational.
Our threshold into the world of foolish men is dedicated to Mr. SmcCoy himself. This was the first thing he learned about girls. And let me tell you, he learned this the hard way. Girls do not want to hear this when you are arguing with them. Mostly because we are not being irrational. You may not be following our logic, but it's not our fault that you're stupid. Along with this, when we are arguing, you should not ever ever ever ever say, "why are you being a bitch?" This will not go over well. Don't believe me? Try it. Some of you may have already tried it... with your ex-girlfriends.

#9: Are you wearing that?
You wear a shirt you picked up off the floor and smelled to make sure it was okay to wear and we spend 2 hours getting ready and then you have the nerve to critique our outfit? Yes, yes we are really wearing that. We've probably been planning to wear that for several days. Are you really wearing that pair of jeans for the 4th day in a row? Oooh and sandals. How original. Additionally, we get zits. We don't want to talk about them.

#8: Are you really going to eat that?
Yeah. This one is bad. "Hey, will you get me a cookie?" "Seriously? You already had one." Not good. I don't know if you know this, but similarly to men, women also require food to, you know, survive. The last thing I need to hear is you question my one cookie when I've just sat and watched you eat an entire pizza and part of an order of breadsticks.

#7: Are you mad?
Guys, if you have to ask, the answer is yes. Also, if you ask and we're only slightly irritated, that will definitely push us off the cliff and into the River of Anger. And when we get mad, it is never a good idea to tell us to "calm down." We are calm. We are also rational. (see above)

#6: She is so hot.
No girl really wants to be compared to any other girl. And even when you think you are just making an offhand comment about the attractiveness of say, Kristen Bell, you are actually comparing the girl you are talking to to the girl you are lusting after. I mean really, none of us (or at least very few of us) are delusional enough to think we can actually be compared to beautiful movie starlets (who by the way have stylists and assistants). I mean, we have mirrors, but we would really rather just pretend you think we're more beautiful. And so you should also pretend.

#5: You remind me of my mom.
Gross. This is not hot. This will cause us to spend hours discussing your Oedipus complex with our girlfriends. And, it will do the most unfortunate thing of all: open our eyes to the ways you're like our fathers. Poof! (That was the magic disappearing instantly.)

#4: My ex would have.
No no no no no no no. We hear, "my ex was way better than you." And unless your ex is me, this is never an appropriate thing to say to a girl. If I may reiterate, we do not like to be compared to other women (occasional exception for a list of the ways we're better than another girl). It is additionally unfair to use this as a persuasion tactic. Especially in the bedroom. This is most likely going to result in you camping out in the living room, or making the long walk of shame back to your apartment at 2 a.m. Neither of which are ideal, as I'm sure you can agree.

#3: What you should do is...
I'm pretty sure I cannot say this enough. This is an extremely important point, so guys, those of you who have not just written me off as a crazy manhating feminist and have managed to read this far, pay special attention. When I come home from school, work, the gym (ha!), my parents' house, or anywhere really, I want to TELL you about the problem I had there, or relate the extended conversation I had with my mom about how poorly I'm living my life. The very last thing I want to hear is your ideas on how I can fix the situation. Chances are good I already know how to fix it (sidenote: My method of choice usually is pretend it didn't happen.) What I want is for you to listen to the problem, say things like, "oh that's terrible" and "awww" at the appropriate times. Men, repeat this several times to yourselves: Sympathy not Solutions.

#2: I was going to but...
This one has implications in the cardinal rule of existence: Do what you say you're going to do. Chances are pretty good that most problems can be solved by following that simple mantra.

Under this heading, there are two possible ways you can go with this. The first is making an excuse as in, "I was going to call but instead I played video games and then fell asleep." Next time, call before you pick up the controller. Fight avoided.

The second is almost worse but not quite. It's "I was going to bring you flowers but I didn't." or "I was going to make you a nice dinner, but instead I just ordered pizza." If you were going to do something nice, I can see where you might think mentioning it would gain you points, but believe me, it does not. In fact, in the long run, you lose points because you've mentioned that you were going to be thoughtful and nice but decided not to. We'll just want to know why you decided not to. And then your whole evening is ruined. Never good.

#1: Are you on your period or something?
I can't imagine something I want a man to say to me less. It's right up there with, "I cheated on you with your sister." (And that would be especially bad for me since I'm an only child.) I mean, really, if I am on my period, the very last thing you want me to do is TALK ABOUT IT. So really, you want to bring it up?


Men, you'll want to print this out and laminate it immediately so you can keep it in your wallet and refer to it in social situations. I cannot even begin to describe how much happier your life will be if you just avoid these ten simple phrases. You'll get to avoid hearing rants like this. And this is an extreme rant. I mean, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I'm on my period or something.



Special Thanks to JoAnna, Court, Kelsey, Rosie, Jamie, Caroline, Todd, Hunter, and Tom for assisting me in compiling this list. Tom, you might want to say things in your head before you say them to girls though. "stop crying" ??? Also, thanks to Darnell, but he didn't know he was helping. He was just being himself.