A Brief History of Social Interaction

So if you're reading this, and you don't have facebook... I'm sorry but, who doesn't have facebook? I don't understand how you are able to function on a daily basis. How do you know if your friends love The Hills? How do you know if Thirsty Thursday is coming up? How do you stalk your third grade crush?

I am so confused.

Well, for you, the socially out of touch, and all the rest of us, facebook has come along way. I don't claim to have been there since the inception, but I have been a member since just shortly after it came to UK, I am not going to lie. I have celebrated more than two birthdays having my inbox flooded with my facebook friends replacing personal greetings with off-hand postings made late at night and I have had more than one relationship status change quickly broadcast to all my nearest and dearest... and that boy from the dorms... and the girl I had Honors English with my freshman year... and that one guy that wants to be friends with everyone on facebook. Facebook was a comparatively rudimentary form of communication back then. (When I was your age, sonny, facebook was only for college students...) Can we even remember life before we could join a group to tell all our friends that we f-ing loved Saved by the Bell? And how did we ever live when all we were able to do was add and message random people from our past?

Now, we can know their every move.

Facebook has gotten, in one carefully crafted and fully accredited word, stalkery. Now you facebook oldtimers can sit back in your virtual rocking chairs and remember a day when you logged on and suddenly your homepage, previously listing only the pokes you had received (poke war!!!), was a listing of each activity undertaken by each of your friends on that particular day. This feature was met with resistance at first, until people realized how ridiculously much they loved stalking their friends. Finally, you could know the exact moment your friend stopped thinking "Dane Cook is the funniest man on Earth!!!!" or they no longer are of the opinion that "Come on, fart jokes are just funny!!!!!!!" Now no one has to be broken up, in a relationship, or engaged for more than 20 seconds without reading a kind of word of condolences or congratulations.

An additional stalkery feature, and what is in my opinion the most stalkery feature, is the new ads. I feel like someone is standing outside my living room watching me and tailoring ads to fit my specific habits and activities. Facebook is constantly suggesting I would be much happier if only I were to take them up on their offer of membership to an exclusive democratic dating site. "You don't have to be lonely anymore!" it admonishes me. (query: How would facebook know I was lonely? I mean, I do have 700 friends.) When I was briefly engaged to the lovely Miss Courtney Ross, facebook was right there, ready to help me plan my wedding. And now it has a number of breakup and dating resources for me. Facebook has also presented both sides of the weight loss issue: some days telling me that it's okay, Not All Women are Skinny and some days providing me with weight loss solutions. To this I say, how the hell does facebook know I'm fat? I am clearly being stalked by the Mark Zuckerberg equivalent of the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys. (perhaps flying hundred dollar bills?) Oh but dear friends, it is not just me. Facebook is also stalking you on my behalf to let me know that I have resources to perform an intervention, because apparently some of you need it. According to facebook, one of you has a relationship with me that is just being destroyed because of your penchant for collecting spoons. Clearly facebook thinks I am someone who needs to come before your damn spoon collection.

All told, though, facebook has completely revolutionized the way we communicate, and that is to say by making it possible for us to not actually have to interact with someone, while simultaneously getting the credit for socializing. It is, in a word, brilliant. (other possible words to describe it: creepy, huge waster of time, gigantic distraction)

Which brings us to the present. This week, facebook has once again changed our lives by introducing this brand-new way to stalk people: facebook chat. Most of us were blissfully studying for finals, enjoying the return of new tv, or taking the time to actually be productive members of society, when BAM facebook out of nowhere had a new feature. Now we clearly must spend a significant percentage of our day sending test messages to our friends. "Hey, does this really work?!?!" "Just testing out the new feature!!!"

Perhaps knowingly, or maybe completely accidentally, facebook has upped the amount of drama in our lives. (Sidenote: when you attempt to quit facebook, it asks you if you are leaving because of all the social drama it is causing. There is so much drama on this site. It's like a drama site.) Now when you get online, you have the option, and let's just say blatant temptation, to send a message to that guy you liked in high school that you never really got up the nerve to talk to. This is likely not a great idea. (obvious exception: you grew out of your awkward phase and got totally hot and he is single) Also, now you have the option to chat with that girl you sat by in fifth grade.

A conversation that I imagine will go something like this:
You: Oh my god, hi! How are you?
Her: Great, you?
You: I'm good. What are you up to now?
Her: I am going to school in Florida. What are you doing?
You: Oh, I'm still in Lexington. I'm in law school.
Her: When do you graduate?
You: Oh... not for a couple of years. You?
Her: 2009
You: Cool.

aaaaaaand that's pretty much all you have to say to each other. But what do you do? You've established a conversation! You have to come up with more things to say! And do you have to talk to her whenever you see her online now? TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I haven't decided how I feel about facebook chat, though I was willing to engage in it for a large portion of the day (research for my blog, of course). If it had some sort of way to indicate an expression of sarcasm, it would have the edge on AIM, and it would prevent 50% of all the arguments between the couples of the world.

So basically, what I'm saying here is, facebook has ruined my life. It is my personal belief that Mark Zuckerberg only invented it as a way to distract the entire rest of the world so he could accomplish more and get rich. Mission accomplished, Mark, mission accomplished.