The Tequila Law

Today, I have found myself to have a severe case of writer's block. Though I wanted initially to only write about law school related things, I have been encouraged to commit to writing my ten step theory of sexual activity.




"Everyone in law school wants to bump uglies. It's applicable." - Anonymous

The Baseball Theory
To begin with, I will spell out for you the Common Law Theory of Bases in relation to sexual activity. My information comes from urbandictionary.com. But don't worry, I will leave out the pictures they have felt necessary to include.

First base- "the first step in a sexual relationship involving making out or french kissing"

I think we can all agree that first base is pretty clear. But after this, I feel it gets fuzzy, and is open to many different interpretations. The bases are ambiguous, everyone has a different perception of what base is what. Here is where I would insert data from a poll of our classmates. But I am in class, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Second base- "One step up of First Base, heavy petting and feeling up while making out, up the shirt or shirtless for both partners."

Third base- Urban dictionary defines this as "the third degree of the bases theory." But, what does that include? The way I see it, there are a number of things that could follow second base. And what is home? See all the problems?

And thus was born, one afternoon many years ago, in the company of my good friends who probably wish to remain nameless, The Ten Step Theory of Sexual Activity, or what shall heretofore be known as The Tequila Law in honor of how quickly Tequila allows you to move up the scale. Or so I've heard.

Tequila Law

1- Kissing. This is just a regular, run of the mill kiss. I feel this is self-explanatory. Think of it as the gateway to the scale. Men do already.

2- French Kissing/Making Out. This kiss, for lack of a more eloquent way to phrase it, involves tongue.

3- Necking. What does this mean? Your scale is just as confusing! I assume this is what you are thinking now. And this, I will admit is subject to interpretation. Do I mean what your grandma calls anything after holding hands? What do I mean? To be all encompassing, necking involves lips and a part of the body not covered by a number higher up on the scale. (See also activities that occurred at places called Lovers' Lane or Lookout Point in any teenage movie or television show from the 50's and 60's.)

4- Groping(a) - This involves clothing. "A little over the sweater action." - Will and Grace
I can't believe I just quoted Will and Grace.

5- Groping(b)- This does not involve clothing.

6-7- These numbers encompass what we will politely refer to "Manual Pleasures." That's all I'm going to say about that.

8-9- If 6 and 7 were those sort of pleasures, I'm sure you can imagine what 8 and 9 might be. Oh, wait, don't start imagining. I want you to finish reading the rest of this entry. We'll continue the theme and say, "Oral Pleasures."

10- Sex.

11- "Non-traditional methods." We're adults. You know what this includes.


There are several benefits to codifying the Tequila Law over the Common Law Baseball Theory:

1. Conversation. "So and so went to third base with So and so." This will stop rumors. Because of the ambiguity of the Baseball Theory, that could mean ANYTHING. But if you use the Tequila Law, you can say, "oh, they went to 5" and then there will be no confusion.

2. Simplicity. At least once you memorize the scale.


So basically, that is the gist of the theory. Use it well. Or at least just use it!


And now everyone will think I'm a whore. Here's hoping my mom reads this!