Marry Me a Little

Somehow, without even realizing it, I have turned 24. I suppose this makes me solidly in the dreaded zone of "mid-twenties" but at the same time, I'm not exactly living it up like reportedly you're supposed to. It's hard to live the Sex and the City lifestyle when you have Criminal Procedure at 8 a.m.

However, in what I assume is a plan to feed my insecurities and my worry about being left behind, a number of my friends have finished their higher education and moved on to what some might argue are bigger and better things, a higher purpose. Namely, marriage.

If Charlotte treated marriage as a sorority she was desperate to pledge, then I'm Alexandra Robbins, writing my treatise from the outside on the seedy underbelly of the real world of the sorority. It's all white dresses at the end of Rush and presents and joy now, just to sit around a year or two later wishing you could get out, but not wanting to have wasted all that money. That metaphor was pretty awesome, you have to admit.

As a single person of a certain age, by which I mean my age and more specifically me, one seems to be at a different wedding every day. Well, every weekend. And I just have to say, they're all the same. Some married people embrace this, the reality that they're not radically different because their cake is chocolate instead of white or they play "Shout!" first and then "Friends in Low Places." But there are a few people who must hear that because they made their bridesmaid dresses or had an ice sculpture that you've never been to a more unique expression of love than theirs. One thing holds true: all of these couples for some reason require a trash can that costs between $100 and $150.

Aside from suddenly requiring much more expensive things that do the same thing as the Wal-Mart version they currently own, some married people come back from their honeymoon having had a Stepfordesque personality change. But inexplicably, some people seem exactly the same.

The way I see it, there are only five different types of married couples.

#1: Mr. and Mrs. Joiner
The Joiners treat marriage as though it was an awesome night club they were dying to get into and finally they did. They're sure that this night club is the only one anyone could possibly ever want to go to, and so they try their damndest to get everyone they know in. Seriously, "guys and gals," you know this couple. You have coffee with them and they grill you about your dating life. They invite you over for dinner and his just-perfect-for-you friend from work just happens to drop by. The Joiners will not rest until everyone they know is in the supposedly perfect wedded bliss they wake up to every day.

How to Deal: The absolute worst thing to do is to get married. If you do decide to take the plunge around the Joiners, do not tell them. They will not hesitate to "help" you plan your wedding. And luckily, they had the most unique wedding that has ever been. I mean, they played three BonJovi songs!

#2: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Communicator
Once the Ex-communicators got married, they became only able to socialize with other married people. Occasionally they lower themselves to hang out with engaged people, but only because they know they'll soon be in the club. These people treat marriage like a wall with a single door to which they have the key, and they're heading through and might see you again if you ever find the right combination. (Hint: try "saucy") Soon these people will have babies and playdates and you really will never see them again. Except for awkwardly in the mall one Saturday afternoon, you'll glimpse them going into Gymboree while you're picking up a new whisk at Williams Sonoma. You will, of course, hide in the pots and pans. Here's a tip: Colanders don't provide as much protection as you might think.

How to Deal: Once you fully realize the impact of their dearth of friendship, get really drunk, bitch about them in a bar, and then be done with it. Classmates: they'll call you again when they need a divorce lawyer. You will, of course, let it go to voicemail.

#3: Mr. and Mrs. Joined at the Hip
You used to either just grab pedis with Mrs. Hip or grab a beer and some wings with Mr. Hip at the bar. But now, you can't have one without the other. You call Mrs. Hip to see if she wants to go for coffee and she of course says, "Sure, we'll be there!" Inwardly you sigh. But what can you do? You are left with the only option, which is, of course, describing some horrible faux gynecological struggle to your friend in front of Mr. Hip so that he never wants to spend time with you again, or alternatively, for the menfolk, throwing around the c-word and phrases like, "I'd hit that" when Mr. Hip brings along the little wife to guys' night.

How to Deal: Grin, bear it, and secretly hope they turn into Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Communicator.

#4: Mr. and Mrs. Pity, Party of Two
Mr. and Mrs. Pity Party genuinely feel bad for you. Isn't that nice of them? Will you ever know the joy of potentially having to compromise your person to commit to one person's ideal of you for the next 50 years? And, most importantly, will you ever get a $300 blender? Mr. and Mrs. Pity Party spend a lot of time talking amongst themselves about how sad and lonely you must be, simply because you haven't found the joy that one very expensive party and a permanent person responsible for taking out the garbage can bring a woman.

How to Deal: Tell them all about your fabulous Sex and the City lifestyle. Embellish if you need to. They're just jealous that you get to sleep with a different person every night, even if you don't. And besides, their concern for you gives them something to talk about to keep their marriage alive. You're doing them a favor.


#5: Mr. and Mrs. Exactly the Same
If you didn't own 8000 pictures of yourself in a big poofy hideously colored dress, you would totally forget they had gotten married. Often the Sames lived together before they were married (sinners!) or you were already friends with both of them, and their marriage in no way affected your life. Or really theirs. Aside from the giving and receiving of a $100 lint roller. The Sames embraced the concept of non-unique weddings, had a white cake, danced to a sappy love song, and Mrs. Same of course said, "the best thing about this dress is that you can wear it again!" Theirs is the marriage you want to have because you don't want to lose all your friends when you tie the knot, right? Sadly, this is also the marriage everyone thinks they have, when my independent research has shown that only about 1 out of every 10 couple has this marriage. How odd.

How to Deal: While comparing every other married couple you know to them, breathe a sigh of relief that someone hasn't gone crazy. At least until babies start coming. But that's another blog for another day.


One final word of advice on dealing with the married: If you walk into a couple's home and above their sofa is a framed black and white picture of their wedding rings inside a flower, run.