This bLAWg Protected by ADT

So first of all, let me just say, shut the hell up. In the past few weeks, you might have noticed that I have neglected my blog. In fact, most of you noticed. And most of the most gave me a hard time about it. I appreciate your loyal readership, I do. But, come on people, it's summer!

Let me tell you a little about what I've been doing with my summer vacation. (Vacation! Ha!) In addition to working and studying (um, I have to take a final in like a week!), I have been walking every day and exploring my neighborhood. You learn and see a lot of things when you walk around (usually through getting hopelessly lost). Today alone I saw three people fixing their cars and a group of people playing Beer Pong in their open garage. (You would think after the first few times they had to chase the ball into the street, they would have shut the door.) I have seen baby ducks, countless bunnies, and have, of course, been pooped on by a bird.

Despite getting to know things like where the shortcuts are and the wisdom of skipping the nightly walk when it is going to rain, I have also marveled at the sheer number of people boasting they have an ADT security system. And to them, I would like to say two things: First of all, where do you get off making me feel bad because you think your stuff is more important than my stuff? Secondly, how do I really know you have that fancy schmancy security system anyway? Maybe you just have the sign.

But then I got to thinking, and here's the part where I sound like Carrie Bradshaw, we are all really obsessed with security. I'm not sure if it's an American thing, or a human thing, but we use security as an excuse for everything.

Take guns for example. We say, "I need a gun to keep my house and my family safe." I read somewhere reputable there are statistics that show that gun ownership makes you more likely to be a victim of violence. So why do we lie? Why not just say, "I need a gun because I f-ing love guns."

Sometimes you hear about women getting married for security. And really, what does that even mean. I've long since given up on the notion that men provide protection in the night, after a certain former significant other woke me up to inform me someone was trying to get in my front door and I should go check it out. Is it money? Because I'm pretty sure we don't live in a country anymore where women have to have husbands to survive. Turns out we can go and get well-paying jobs on our own. And almost as well-paying as our male counterparts!

If this blog were in any way political, I might mention here that we like security so much that we are willing to give up our fundamental rights and tenets on which this country was built in order to achieve so-called security. We gave up our right to privacy so that the Department of Homeland Security (there that word is again) could put up a bunch of plastic ADT signs around the edges of our country.

We have security in our possessions. We take comfort in knowing that we have cars that will take us where we need to go and when they don't work, we are uncomfortable and upset. (I can personally attest to this, as it was my morning.)

We find security in the weirdest things. I've noticed the last few nights that I am not afraid of noises I heard outside because I have the big black dog. Granted, when we were walking last night, she hid behind me because she was afraid of chihuahuas who, aggregate, were less than a quarter of her size. Not exactly a ferocious watch dog, but if the Bush Administration is proof of anything, it's that Americans enjoy the illusion of security. (Oops, not political.)

Where does this even come from? You are without a doubt wondering, what causes America, as a whole, to be insecure?

Here are, as I see it, Three Reasons America is Insecure:

1. Abandonment Issues. In the early days, those who are now Americans came from multiple other countries. And then what did those countries do? They just gave up on us. They just allowed us to become our own country, out in the world on our own with not so much as a word goodbye.

2. Teenage Angst. Clearly for the last roughly 200 years, America has been in some sort of pro-tracted teenage rebellion. We were merely ornery pre-teens before that whole unfortunate tea spillage incident. And now, without the guidance of adult countries, we've been left to become the schoolyard bully. And as everyone who has ever watched an after-school special knows, bullies are the most insecure of all of us.

3. Poor Body Image. America has never thought it was nearly as pretty as any of the other countries. We have mountains and valleys everywhere, odd angles on our edges, and we can never find clothes that fit right. Speaking of which, our clothes are not as nice as France's, and our hair is not as shiny as Sweden's. We must take comfort only in that we have better teeth than England. Our poor body image is clearly causing us to act out. Why do we hate Osama bin Laden? I heard it's because he told his friends on the basketball team that he didn't think we were cute enough to ask to the prom.

Probably America needs to seek some group counseling to get over our clinging to things that make us secure (i.e. guns, religion) and we need to work through our issues and learn to be confident in ourselves. Or some New Age crap like that. Could the same effect be achieved by listening to a lot of Enya? Probably. But then the Country Psychology Industry would be dead. Besides, look what Country Therapists did for Germany. They used to be harsh and warlike, and just totally unfuckable. But now... well, they haven't been in a war in 60 years. So there's that.