anna's bLAWg

Goodbye

2010-08-12T17:16:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I went to the law building for what I sincerely hope is the last time ever, though I know CLE and other unspeakable horrors will draw me back into its clutches once again. Though presumably enough time will pass before that dark day that I will have begun to feel nostalgic, wistful even, about those hallowed halls, and will wander around going, "This is where I..." Unfortunately, in my head, most of my sentences still end with, "... spent many many horrible hours doing this terribly unappreciated project for ungrateful 1Ls and an administration apparently largely ignorant of my contributions."

But for now, que sera sera.

I am concerned I will be bored. Having started each day around 8 for the last three years, (yes, I said around 8, I don't want to hear any 'class doesn't start at 8:10' style comments from you people) and finishing upwards of 1 or 2am each day, (As it turns out, after finishing hours of often pointless SBA or journal work, I then still had to do my own schoolwork. Go figure.) I am both looking forward to and terrified of a regular schedule, where my day ends at a set time, and I have nothing to do but stare into the abyss.

A number of hobbies have crossed my mind: roller derby, craft projects much like the fabulous book vase I made yesterday, gardening, suburban widowed single mom running a large scale marijuana growing business to make ends meet and support her two children, etc. I don't know about any of those, but I do think I shall start a new blog. I considered continuing this one, but for this new chapter in my life, I feel a new blog is appropriate. It will undoubtedly be full of more trite sayings like that.

Mainly, I envision it to be full of my typical witty and amazing insights into your life and mine, which will then clearly come to the attention of someone important and possibly famous who wants to give me millions of dollars to sit at home and blog. Then I won't have to be a lawyer anyway. Though, the bar results may determine that one first.

A new blog name is still in the works (suggestions anyone?), but for now, I feel it is important to close out this blog.

Saying goodbye is an interesting thing. I mostly hate to do it, and I certainly had mixed emotions turning in my office key yesterday. But my key chain is the lightest it's been in two years and so is the load on my back.

And so, in the grand tradition of my favorite play, Thornton Wilder's Our Town, I say goodbye to law school. Good-bye to bells ringing....and the Lemon Tree. And stolen SBA snacks and coffee. And other people's outlines and commercial supplements....and never sleeping and waking up grouchy. Oh, law school, you are too horrible for anybody to realize you.

Help for the Needy

2009-09-04T10:42:00.005-04:00

So it has been about 13 months since the last time you, my faithful and diligent readers, experienced my blog. And many of you may have stumbled upon it for the first time. To you I say, where the hell were you before?

Anyway, the blog is back, bitches. Thanks for playing the home game.

Many things have transpired since last we met. I've slept for around 2000 hours, spent somewhere between 330 and 350 hours on youtube, and brushed my teeth approximately 700 times. I discovered Mad Men, I ate goat, and I realized my potential as a sand volleyball phenom. Phenominally bad that is.

An important thing that's happened in the last 331 days is my discovery of this so-called television show on A & E: Intervention. Now, despite having watched around 1200 hours of television since you last heard from me, I can honestly say I have never watched more than around 1.5 minutes of this show. Now, you may be wondering why I'm willing to devote precious blog space to a show I don't watch. But don't worry, I'm planning to tell you.

The reason I don't watch Intervention is because I have digital cable. I flip over to the description and it's like, "blah blah blah alcohol problem" "blah blah blah drug addiction" every single week! And really, I say, who cares.

It is my belief that there are many more pressing addictions and personal issues that should be the subject of this show.

For example:

#1- Facebook
There are two incredibly pressing issues with facebook. The first is if you are someone who starts sentences with, "I saw on facebook that..." or you can't be surprised by anything anyone tells you because, oh, you saw it on facebook already. This is creepy. People do not react well when you already know everything about them. Or so I've heard.

Secondly, you might be a facebook oversharer. I'm sorry you can't pay your mortgage or you have a bizarre medical issue, but your facebook status is not the appropriate place to discuss this. And for the love of God, I do not need to see a picture of your peed-on pregnancy test, and there should never be a caption to a photo that reads, "right after my c-section- look, you can see my guts!" No. Just no.

To break your family member or friend of their facebook habit, the obvious solution is to cancel their facebook account. I'm not sure this is harsh enough. I say let them keep it, but ban them from Yoville. That will really hurt.

#2- White Rappers
There's really not much that needs to be said about this. Really, Vanilla Ice, all you heard was shells? What, like seashells? Were you near an ocean? Take heed guys, he's a lyrical poet. You know who else was a lyrical poet? Shakespeare. And he wasn't hard either. Take those words to your mother.

To break your friend or family member of their white rapping addiction, all you need to do is hold a mirror up in front of them and point out how ridiculous they look. They do not look cool. They just look like a white guy wearing way too much FUBU.

#3- Apostrophe Abusers
I have a few pet peeves. (I'm looking at you, people who drive in the turn lane on Nicholasville Road.) However, none strike's up a more virulent hatred in me than those who fail to follow the rules' of grammar. And no mistake is more prevalent than the excessive use of apostrophe's. It is not necessary to use an apostrophe each time something need's to become plural. It's amazing to me, in a society based on laziness, that we would go out of our way to make the effort to add an extra punctuation mark. We will get in our car's and drive one block to obtain our double cheese thickburger at Hardee's but let's add an entire unnecessary punctuation mark to our signage. Oh, and quotation mark's. Not "everything" need's to be in "quotation" mark's. What are you quoting??

To break your family member's, friend's, local business'es, and stranger's of this habit, you must point it out to the in the snootiest way possible. Do not hesitate to stop your car by the side of the road, get out, and remove an apostrophe from a church marquee. It's for the good of "everyone."

#4- People Who Don't Like Journey
A wise philosopher/Bachelor contestant once said, "If you say you don't like Journey, you're a damn liar." I fully realize that in the past few years, it has become incredibly popular to like Journey. There is one reason for this: Journey. is. Awesome. It is my firm belief that anyone who says they don't like Journey is secretly listening to "Open Arms" on repeat in their bedroom at night. I'm not wrong about this.

To break your friends and family of this issue, you should take them to any bar full of drunk, white college kids, play Don't Stop Believin' on the jukebox, and let the mass appreciation ensue.

#5- People Who Think Rockband is Real
When you spend much of your time playing our generation's greatest video game experience, Rockband, or its bastard cousin Guitar Hero, sometimes the lines blur between reality and being an amazing musician. This just in: you're just a dude sitting in his house pressing plastic buttons, you're not "unplugged." And girls in bars are significantly unimpressed by the fact that you're a drummer when it turns out that your "drumset" is connected to a playstation 2.

To break your friends and family members of this problem, you should get them a gig or enter them in a Battle of the Bands. Then invite everyone they know. Then laugh and point.

Please feel free to forward this to A&E. And mark your calendars for Fridays. Fridays are blog days.

Marry Me a Little

2008-10-06T09:07:00.005-04:00

Somehow, without even realizing it, I have turned 24. I suppose this makes me solidly in the dreaded zone of "mid-twenties" but at the same time, I'm not exactly living it up like reportedly you're supposed to. It's hard to live the Sex and the City lifestyle when you have Criminal Procedure at 8 a.m.

However, in what I assume is a plan to feed my insecurities and my worry about being left behind, a number of my friends have finished their higher education and moved on to what some might argue are bigger and better things, a higher purpose. Namely, marriage.

If Charlotte treated marriage as a sorority she was desperate to pledge, then I'm Alexandra Robbins, writing my treatise from the outside on the seedy underbelly of the real world of the sorority. It's all white dresses at the end of Rush and presents and joy now, just to sit around a year or two later wishing you could get out, but not wanting to have wasted all that money. That metaphor was pretty awesome, you have to admit.

As a single person of a certain age, by which I mean my age and more specifically me, one seems to be at a different wedding every day. Well, every weekend. And I just have to say, they're all the same. Some married people embrace this, the reality that they're not radically different because their cake is chocolate instead of white or they play "Shout!" first and then "Friends in Low Places." But there are a few people who must hear that because they made their bridesmaid dresses or had an ice sculpture that you've never been to a more unique expression of love than theirs. One thing holds true: all of these couples for some reason require a trash can that costs between $100 and $150.

Aside from suddenly requiring much more expensive things that do the same thing as the Wal-Mart version they currently own, some married people come back from their honeymoon having had a Stepfordesque personality change. But inexplicably, some people seem exactly the same.

The way I see it, there are only five different types of married couples.

#1: Mr. and Mrs. Joiner
The Joiners treat marriage as though it was an awesome night club they were dying to get into and finally they did. They're sure that this night club is the only one anyone could possibly ever want to go to, and so they try their damndest to get everyone they know in. Seriously, "guys and gals," you know this couple. You have coffee with them and they grill you about your dating life. They invite you over for dinner and his just-perfect-for-you friend from work just happens to drop by. The Joiners will not rest until everyone they know is in the supposedly perfect wedded bliss they wake up to every day.

How to Deal: The absolute worst thing to do is to get married. If you do decide to take the plunge around the Joiners, do not tell them. They will not hesitate to "help" you plan your wedding. And luckily, they had the most unique wedding that has ever been. I mean, they played three BonJovi songs!

#2: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Communicator
Once the Ex-communicators got married, they became only able to socialize with other married people. Occasionally they lower themselves to hang out with engaged people, but only because they know they'll soon be in the club. These people treat marriage like a wall with a single door to which they have the key, and they're heading through and might see you again if you ever find the right combination. (Hint: try "saucy") Soon these people will have babies and playdates and you really will never see them again. Except for awkwardly in the mall one Saturday afternoon, you'll glimpse them going into Gymboree while you're picking up a new whisk at Williams Sonoma. You will, of course, hide in the pots and pans. Here's a tip: Colanders don't provide as much protection as you might think.

How to Deal: Once you fully realize the impact of their dearth of friendship, get really drunk, bitch about them in a bar, and then be done with it. Classmates: they'll call you again when they need a divorce lawyer. You will, of course, let it go to voicemail.

#3: Mr. and Mrs. Joined at the Hip
You used to either just grab pedis with Mrs. Hip or grab a beer and some wings with Mr. Hip at the bar. But now, you can't have one without the other. You call Mrs. Hip to see if she wants to go for coffee and she of course says, "Sure, we'll be there!" Inwardly you sigh. But what can you do? You are left with the only option, which is, of course, describing some horrible faux gynecological struggle to your friend in front of Mr. Hip so that he never wants to spend time with you again, or alternatively, for the menfolk, throwing around the c-word and phrases like, "I'd hit that" when Mr. Hip brings along the little wife to guys' night.

How to Deal: Grin, bear it, and secretly hope they turn into Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Communicator.

#4: Mr. and Mrs. Pity, Party of Two
Mr. and Mrs. Pity Party genuinely feel bad for you. Isn't that nice of them? Will you ever know the joy of potentially having to compromise your person to commit to one person's ideal of you for the next 50 years? And, most importantly, will you ever get a $300 blender? Mr. and Mrs. Pity Party spend a lot of time talking amongst themselves about how sad and lonely you must be, simply because you haven't found the joy that one very expensive party and a permanent person responsible for taking out the garbage can bring a woman.

How to Deal: Tell them all about your fabulous Sex and the City lifestyle. Embellish if you need to. They're just jealous that you get to sleep with a different person every night, even if you don't. And besides, their concern for you gives them something to talk about to keep their marriage alive. You're doing them a favor.

#5: Mr. and Mrs. Exactly the Same
If you didn't own 8000 pictures of yourself in a big poofy hideously colored dress, you would totally forget they had gotten married. Often the Sames lived together before they were married (sinners!) or you were already friends with both of them, and their marriage in no way affected your life. Or really theirs. Aside from the giving and receiving of a $100 lint roller. The Sames embraced the concept of non-unique weddings, had a white cake, danced to a sappy love song, and Mrs. Same of course said, "the best thing about this dress is that you can wear it again!" Theirs is the marriage you want to have because you don't want to lose all your friends when you tie the knot, right? Sadly, this is also the marriage everyone thinks they have, when my independent research has shown that only about 1 out of every 10 couple has this marriage. How odd.

How to Deal: While comparing every other married couple you know to them, breathe a sigh of relief that someone hasn't gone crazy. At least until babies start coming. But that's another blog for another day.

One final word of advice on dealing with the married: If you walk into a couple's home and above their sofa is a framed black and white picture of their wedding rings inside a flower, run.

Living in the Land of the Lost

2008-09-17T19:34:00.005-04:00

Occasionally, I lose things. Some of you might think I've lost my will to blog or blawg. But this is in fact not the case at all. I have lost the time to blog/blawg, but I will persevere.

But really, when I say I lose things, I refer mostly to things like the debit card I lost on my birthday, or that I'm constantly losing things inside my own house, or the fact that I cannot hold onto a tube of Burt's Bees to save my life. Hell, I even lost my cat once. (This one not technically my fault, as he fell through the window screen and subsequently hid under the nearest shrub until he was found. No seriously, that happened.)

Anyway, because I would not like to lose the Earth and would like to lose weight, I'm pretty much trying to walk everywhere. Well, within reason. Reasonable= walking a mile to Kroger. Unreasonable= walking to visit my grandma in Cincinnati. Surprisingly, the thing about walking is not that no one respects crosswalks. (This just in: it's bad to hit pedestrians.) But rather the thing that amazes me is the volume of lost items that I see on sidewalks.

I always wonder: how does one lose just one shoe? I'm guessing that probably it doesn't go like, you're walking along and you decide that instead you'd rather hop on one foot. And it's unlikely that you just don't realize you lost your shoe. I imagine it's probably more likely that lost shoes are because of one or more of these scenarios:

1. While being chased by a large animal, possibly a moose, you are running so quickly your shoe falls off and you are unable to retrieve it, due to mortal peril.
2. That girl from the Michael Phelps commercial is in such a frantic race to hear the "hilarious stories about how much he loves Chinese food" that she doesn't have time to go back for her shoe.
3. It's Christmastime and Dutch children came through and got confused about where to leave their shoes to be filled by Sinterklaas.
4. While running late for a class, for example, Criminal Procedure (I hear sometimes people have trouble getting there on time), a biker was too weighed down by trivial things like shoes and was forced to throw them off to increase his or her speed.
5. You were hungry and threw it in an unsuccessful attempt to get the pizza delivery man ahead of you to stop and "loan" you a pizza.

Random lost shoes aside (and underwear! who loses their underwear!), there are a number of things in our lives that are very easily lost:
1. keys
2. socks (Seriously, where do they go?!?!?!)
3. virginity (See entry: Tequila Law)
4. mind
5. way
6. boys (See work of fiction: Peter Pan)
7. umbrella (See: my life)
8. marbles
9. sponsors (See every plotline of the short-lived post-West Wing semi-autobiographical Aaron Sorkin series Studio 60. That's right. Six people got that joke.)
10. sunglasses (Though, always the nice ones. The cheap ones from the Rite-Aid stick with you forever.)

There are a few things though that we should try really hard to lose:
Bad Attitude. Now, I am a wholly positive person and never have a bad attitude about anything. But I have noticed that some people might at times be crabby or cranky. Today when I was walking at the Arboretum, I kept passing the same woman who never once said hello, smiled at me or even looked at me. I was outraged! Our collective bad attitude is weighing us down, giving us eye circles, probably causing global warming, and, of course, forcing us to stress eat, and that is, in a word, abominable. Some ways to lose your bad attitude: play with a puppy, download the iPhone application that compliments you, watch Big Brother (you'll feel so much better about yourself!), watch something with Kermit the Frog (it is undeniably impossible to not be happy while watching The Muppets), or for some of you, watch a Fox News Special on Sarah Palin (I hear anyone can be president if they want it badly enough!)

Unspeakably Awful Christmas or Birthday Gifts. Last year for Christmas my dear sweet grandmother gave me a giant pillow made almost entirely of awkward denim patches. With a pocket. With a bandana in it. And I love my grandma, but that is just... well, in a word, abominable. Some gifts are easier to lose than others though, which presents a degree of difficulty for the losing. For example, how does one lose a pillow? I tried to leave it in my old apartment when last I moved, but fortunately my mom was looking out for me. Way to go, Mom! Some things are easier to lose than others: ugly sweaters can be "left" at the gym, terrible bags can be "left" on vacation, and remember: sometimes things get broken. Accidentally of course.

And there are some things you should try really hard not to lose:
Your Driver's License. It's just a huge hassle. I mean, you have to go all the way downtown, find a place to park. Then you have to go to the DMV, where they yell at you that they only take cash the second you walk in the door. As if the 40,000 signs posted around the room weren't enough to tip you off. Then you have to go to like 8 windows. All of which are inhabited by people who yell at you to go to the next window. However, at the DMV in Fayette County, there's a guy who looks like Elvis. So there's that.

The Remote. Why would you want to walk all the way to the tv? Picture this: you've sat down with your jumbo popcorn and pint of Ben and Jerrys to watch The Biggest Loser and BAM no remote. I mean, why even bother to watch tv if you have to manually change the channels? Might as well go work out if you're going to do that. Wait... nah.

Touch With Reality. This is probably the most important. Because no one wants to be served burgers by a guy who thinks he's on Entourage, a hairdresser who thinks she's America's Next Top Model, or a lawyer who thinks he's God. And there are a lot of those. I mean burger flippers that dream of Ari Gold's life, of course.

Is Something Different?

2008-08-06T03:14:00.001-04:00

So I suppose the polite and nice thing to do would be to make up some sort of excuse as to why I didn't blog for, oh, most of July. But then I thought, no. The Leader of the Free World spends most of August on his dude ranch (Heeeey Dude) and damnit I deserve a vacation too. I mean, I at least phoned it in with that pseudo-lame ADT entry. The only way to get W in from clearing brush and mucking stalls is to tell him there's a good opportunity to start a war. (Incidentally, telling him Laura is back from the grocery store and she bought Twinkies also works.)

However, now, without me even noticing, it has somehow become August. And while terrifying in and of itself, I realize that I have missed some moments of contact with each of you, and most importantly, you, my loyal readers, have been unable to obtain knowledge and interact with me on a weekly basis. And for this, I will apologize.

You may have noticed that this blog is blue now. If you didn't notice that it is blue rather than brown, you might want to consider having some sort of medical care either immediately or at least within the next 48-72 hours. Can't let those head injuries go for too long. You never know what might happen to you. (Insert easy Bush head injury joke here.)

A number of things have happened in my life since we last conversed, or at least you were last forced to listen to/read my musings on a bizarre topic. What's happened lately:

--rediscovered my love for Journey
--became unreasonably good at the clown game on Wii Carnival Games
--half-assedly learned to be ethical
--turned my blog blue
--developed an addiction to Chili's
--spent an entire afternoon watching drunk people attempt to swim
--cut my viewings of Superbad down to bi-weekly
--took multiple online vacations, as it was all I could afford the time and money for
--Shark Week
--remembered success at avoiding Napoleon Dynamite and decided to try not to see The Dark Knight
--purchased multiple items I could not afford
--learned from John McCain that Czechoslovakia reunited- so excited!
--considered taking a trip to Czechoslovakia but found the building of time machine to be cost prohibitive

But the most important thing that is happening in my life, or actually in the world's life, is that the Olympics start this week.

China is really really going all out for this experience. In the equivalent of a college student hiding the booze and pushing all the dirty laundry under the bed when their mom is coming, the Chinese government has instituted a series of reforms:

+This past week they asked restaurant owners to make the ultimate sacrifice and remove dog meat from their dishes while there are those visiting their country who might prefer to cuddle a puppy rather than digest one. However, they are still allowed to serve donkey. So, don't worry. It's just donkey.

+Unfortunately, our athletes and athletes all over the world seem to be concerned about silly, insignificant things like being blown up by terrorists before their competition, or breathing in a plethora of pollutants. However, China has made sure that the coughing, bleeding athletes will not feel awkward. Never one to allow their citizens to act of their own volition, posters have been placed all over Beijing, reminding each person of the "Big 8"- the eight things never to ask a foreigner: age, salary, love life, health, income, political views, religious beliefs or personal experiences. Because if there's one thing I hate when I'm visiting a foreign country, it's when the friendly citizens walk up to me and demand to know how long it's been since I've had sex. Such a frequent problem! Thank you China for meeting my needs.

+China is graciously agreeing to spare us from seeing the more unsavory portions of their country, closing the basement door so we don't see their storage boxes and dirty laundry. China wants you to stay in the living room. And never never never open the door and peek in at Tibet.

+Finally, China is willing to say what we're all thinking. Keep those people with "mental diseases" away from the Olympics! Here's hoping Team Spirit isn't a mental disease. Though, I guess it depends on the team. Canadian shotputters? Who cares. I'm saving my enthusiasm for the 2010 Jamaican Bobsled Team.

In honor of the work that the Chinese government has done, perhaps we should all celebrate the Olympics like the Chinese. So I urge you, for the next two weeks: be overly polite to any new people you meet, oppress the people you already know, and pin all your hopes on Yao Ming.

This bLAWg Protected by ADT

2008-07-17T14:20:00.005-04:00

So first of all, let me just say, shut the hell up. In the past few weeks, you might have noticed that I have neglected my blog. In fact, most of you noticed. And most of the most gave me a hard time about it. I appreciate your loyal readership, I do. But, come on people, it's summer!

Let me tell you a little about what I've been doing with my summer vacation. (Vacation! Ha!) In addition to working and studying (um, I have to take a final in like a week!), I have been walking every day and exploring my neighborhood. You learn and see a lot of things when you walk around (usually through getting hopelessly lost). Today alone I saw three people fixing their cars and a group of people playing Beer Pong in their open garage. (You would think after the first few times they had to chase the ball into the street, they would have shut the door.) I have seen baby ducks, countless bunnies, and have, of course, been pooped on by a bird.

Despite getting to know things like where the shortcuts are and the wisdom of skipping the nightly walk when it is going to rain, I have also marveled at the sheer number of people boasting they have an ADT security system. And to them, I would like to say two things: First of all, where do you get off making me feel bad because you think your stuff is more important than my stuff? Secondly, how do I really know you have that fancy schmancy security system anyway? Maybe you just have the sign.

But then I got to thinking, and here's the part where I sound like Carrie Bradshaw, we are all really obsessed with security. I'm not sure if it's an American thing, or a human thing, but we use security as an excuse for everything.

Take guns for example. We say, "I need a gun to keep my house and my family safe." I read somewhere reputable there are statistics that show that gun ownership makes you more likely to be a victim of violence. So why do we lie? Why not just say, "I need a gun because I f-ing love guns."

Sometimes you hear about women getting married for security. And really, what does that even mean. I've long since given up on the notion that men provide protection in the night, after a certain former significant other woke me up to inform me someone was trying to get in my front door and I should go check it out. Is it money? Because I'm pretty sure we don't live in a country anymore where women have to have husbands to survive. Turns out we can go and get well-paying jobs on our own. And almost as well-paying as our male counterparts!

If this blog were in any way political, I might mention here that we like security so much that we are willing to give up our fundamental rights and tenets on which this country was built in order to achieve so-called security. We gave up our right to privacy so that the Department of Homeland Security (there that word is again) could put up a bunch of plastic ADT signs around the edges of our country.

We have security in our possessions. We take comfort in knowing that we have cars that will take us where we need to go and when they don't work, we are uncomfortable and upset. (I can personally attest to this, as it was my morning.)

We find security in the weirdest things. I've noticed the last few nights that I am not afraid of noises I heard outside because I have the big black dog. Granted, when we were walking last night, she hid behind me because she was afraid of chihuahuas who, aggregate, were less than a quarter of her size. Not exactly a ferocious watch dog, but if the Bush Administration is proof of anything, it's that Americans enjoy the illusion of security. (Oops, not political.)

Where does this even come from? You are without a doubt wondering, what causes America, as a whole, to be insecure?

Here are, as I see it, Three Reasons America is Insecure:

1. Abandonment Issues. In the early days, those who are now Americans came from multiple other countries. And then what did those countries do? They just gave up on us. They just allowed us to become our own country, out in the world on our own with not so much as a word goodbye.

2. Teenage Angst. Clearly for the last roughly 200 years, America has been in some sort of pro-tracted teenage rebellion. We were merely ornery pre-teens before that whole unfortunate tea spillage incident. And now, without the guidance of adult countries, we've been left to become the schoolyard bully. And as everyone who has ever watched an after-school special knows, bullies are the most insecure of all of us.

3. Poor Body Image. America has never thought it was nearly as pretty as any of the other countries. We have mountains and valleys everywhere, odd angles on our edges, and we can never find clothes that fit right. Speaking of which, our clothes are not as nice as France's, and our hair is not as shiny as Sweden's. We must take comfort only in that we have better teeth than England. Our poor body image is clearly causing us to act out. Why do we hate Osama bin Laden? I heard it's because he told his friends on the basketball team that he didn't think we were cute enough to ask to the prom.

Probably America needs to seek some group counseling to get over our clinging to things that make us secure (i.e. guns, religion) and we need to work through our issues and learn to be confident in ourselves. Or some New Age crap like that. Could the same effect be achieved by listening to a lot of Enya? Probably. But then the Country Psychology Industry would be dead. Besides, look what Country Therapists did for Germany. They used to be harsh and warlike, and just totally unfuckable. But now... well, they haven't been in a war in 60 years. So there's that.

You Heard It Here First

2008-06-24T19:37:00.008-04:00

Up until now, I've avoided being outwardly political, except for a few asides and candidate mentions. And now that my candidate of choice has walked the plank of the Good Ship Presidential Clusterfuck (Mike Gravel, I miss you so!!), it is likely that I won't state which candidate I'll support from here on out. Though, I will openly admit to you that I think Libertarian Party Candidate Bob Barr has one bitchin' mustache. But at the end of the day, it doesn't matter to whom my vote goes in November and that is because of this one simple fact: The next president of the United States will be, without a doubt, John McCain.

For many months, the strategy of the Democratic Party has been to show buddy buddy pictures of McCain and our current illustrious commander-in-chief one Mr. George W. Bush. (Perhaps you've heard of him.) The phrases we're hearing over and over and over and over again are "four more years" and "more of the same" and though I, for one, am seriously getting sick of hearing it, it's all but ensuring that John McCain, he of the freakishly old mother, the awkward pictures with male colleagues, and the Early Bird Special, will be our next president. The Democratic Party is forgetting one very important thing. For the American people, "more of the same" is practically our battle cry. "More of the same" is the entire basis of our society.

When was the last time we had a new fast food restaurant? We're perfectly happy with a half a dozen national chains and a few regional specialties we can brag about having back in our hometowns. We like the same dozen movie actors and we spend our days watching the same three major television networks, occasionally switching over to Fox if we really want to slum it.

And it is these tv networks that truly embody our "less is more, more is terrifying" strategy for living our lives. There are, as of the time of this writing, only 5 different television shows. And certainly a group of people who can't handle more than 5 premises, can't handle breaking in a new president. Change is bad, and not only can television network executives clearly count on and exploit this mentality, but so can John McCain. And, with careful planning and promotion, it can be through these 5 television concepts that Senator John McCain (R, AZ) will drive 35 mph in the fast lane all the way to Pennsylvania Ave.

#1: The Crime Drama
It's a little after 8 on a Tuesday and there are, on average 495 million television sets turned to some sort of crime drama. (This total includes all 6 tvs in Cuba.) Roughly 2/3 of these are tuned to some form of Law and Order or CSI, but a fair amount are viewing some of the off-brand crime dramas such as Without a Trace, Criminal Minds, Cold Case, and The Ghost Whisperer (not technically a crime drama, it's just a crime that show is still on). Even though we've exhausted the types of crime to dramatize, we continue to have these episodes. Pretty soon they'll be down to those obscure laws about things like not hunting whales in Oklahoma (real law). In the season opener of CSI: New York, they investigate a man's curious motive in jumping the subway turnstile. Spoiler Alert: It's because he doesn't want to pay!
How McCain can capitalize on this: by playing the ubiquitous Law and Order "dunh dunh" after any important point in a speech or by pausing occasionally after outlining a policy, looking in the distance thoughtfully and putting on his sunglasses

#2: The Talent Show
America doesn't really have talent, clearly, but we have 80 million televised talent shows that seek to capitalize on our dream of being noticed for that weird secret talent we have or for the "great" way we sing. My question is: If every one of these shows is finding the biggest talent in America, then which one of these "winners" is really the biggest talent? Shouldn't there be some sort of runoff?
How McCain can capitalize on this: Each of the potential vice-presidential candidates brings his own unique factors to the table, and while some might consider things like a significant vetting process and compatibility with the candidate to be the most important ways to determine an appropriate running mate, John McCain thinks America can decide! True, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is young and charismatic, but he can also juggle. But can he beat out former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney's top notch beat boxing? Fun fact: Bush used this method to choose his cabinet. Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao was the only contestant that could spin plates.

#3: The Show Where Everyone Lives in a House And Forgets There Are Cameras
From back when The Real World was worth watching (remember Seattle?) to today's Big Brother, America loves the show where everyone lives in a house and are watched 24/7, then edited together to make them seem really exciting and/or contentious. We've even added new twists like a whole bunch of washed up celebrities living in a house, or weirdos who are obsessed with training dogs living in a house, and we even sat through several seasons of an unintelligble Ozzie Osborne leading a household of crazy persons and dogs.
How McCain can capitalize on this: The Mac will put his potential cabinet members in one house and let the booze flow and the cameras roll. If they can work together to put on a radio show, or do promotions for a night club, or book entertainment for their local surf apparel shop (You can tell which seasons of The Real World I watched) then they can for sure work together to run a country. Downside: Elizabeth Dole might be the one that always walks around naked.

#4: The Show Where the Husband is a Doofus, the Wife is Sort of a Bitch, and the Kids are Incorrigible
Call it the Homer Simpson effect, but America loves this format. From Roseanne to Everybody Loves Raymond to According to Jim, it's always a hit. And really, America, really? Who wants to watch a show about what happens in 90% of the households in America? Apparently we do.
How McCain can capitalize on this: With a slew of undoubtedly incorrigible children and a wife that sort of gives off the bitch vibe already, (can't blame her, you'd be a bitch too if your hair was always pulled back that tight) McCain is poised for some gentle comedy. Sample dialogue:
Cindy: How was your day, dear?
John: It was okay, the usual. I just can't get us out of this war.
Cindy: Well, I told you not to start back up with North Korea. You know how I don't like that little crazy leader they have. Why don't you ever listen to me? And why don't you ever take out the garbage?
Little Jack: Dad, can you sign my permission slip? We're going to the zoo tomorrow!
Cindy: Not now, Little Jacky, Dad has to take the garbage out.
John: But Cindy, I just got home from a long day leading the free world.

#5: The Show Where Twenty-Something Friends Go Through Relationships and Job Crises All While Hanging Out at Their Local Bar, Restaurant, or Coffee House
Friends set the bar high, and few shows have been able to match the sheer mania of those 10 years in the 90's and early Aughts (I'm trying to make that happen) but many shows have tried, most recently How I Met Your Mother. America loves the idea of an even number of attractive people living in apartments they couldn't possibly afford, living glamorous lifestyles, and having complicated sexual relationships with each other. I mean, what middle aged housewife didn't gather up her girlfriends a few weekends ago and head to see the Sex and the City movie, gleefully bragging, "I'm a Miranda!" No, you're a Delores. And the "city" is New York, not Cleveland.
How McCain can capitalize on this: Well, here is where he runs into a problem. Being not at all young and hip, he wouldn't exactly have an in with the under 30 crowd. Perhaps he could do a cameo as one of the kids' loveable and dorky dads (or grandpas) in for a visit to the big city. He maybe could play the bartender, but he'd have to stay awake past 10:00... and he probably doesn't drive at night. But hey, no harm in letting a few opportunities slide to the Obama column. This is similar to his strategy in Florida.

Honorable Mention: The Hour Long Sexcapade Dramedy
I, and I think most of America, would not like to see John McCain attempt to capture America's lust for shows such as Desperate Housewives, Swingtown, Grey's Anatomy. Yeah, I think we're all just better off imagining The Mac is "firmly" in the Bob Dole Camp on that one. Pun Intended.

Note, Disclaimer, Hopeful Prevention of Encouraging Any Sort of Political Debate in My Comments Section: This was just a joke. It's when people get serious about politics, foresaking all lightheartedness or for that matter, reason, that people get hurt. It was not my intention to offend McCain fans, Obama fans, Bob Barr's fan, network television fans, reality show stars, or anyone except those who regularly watch The Ghost Whisperer. God burned down their studio for a reason people, let it go. Change the channel. I'm sure you can find a CSI rerun.

Yes, That Really Is a Picture of Me

2008-06-18T23:29:00.000-04:00

So, being an adult really... in a word? sucks. I guess there's not any set way to know that you are an adult, and so I guess some people may never be, but, for me at least, there are some warning signs. I experienced a big one last week as I lay in my bed, filled with a ridiculous amount of joy at the fact that I was laying underneath the brand new ceiling fan that I had installed earlier in the day. I haven't yet fully accepted my adulthood and so the realization that I was overjoyed by something as ridiculous as a new, albeit amazing, light fixture was fully depressing.

There are, of course, a number of ways to tell if one is an adult, here are just a few:

your planner, or day-timer, is divided by times of the day, and is almost always with you
you watch the local evening news
a sunny 70 degree day in June finds you indoors, hunched over your laptop
you take a daily vitamin
when you enter someone else's home, you're more jealous of their kitchen appliances than their games and fun electronics
you see a preview for a children's movie (i.e. Kung Fu Panda) and you have absolutely no desire to see it
you have any sort of faux flowers or plants in your home
your new vocabulary includes words like, "fuel efficient," "mortgage" and "401k"
decorative stores, like Pier 1 or Pottery Barn, fill you with as much excitement as a candy store or toy store used to
you regularly read more than one news website or newspaper in a day
you have staples in your pantry or kitchen cupboard

Now, chances are good that a number of you recognized some of the unfortunate signs above or have noticed one of the great many other signs in your every day life. And I'm sorry, that's really bad news. However, I think we are confronted on practically a daily basis by kidults. Kidults are, of course, those who seem to be adults but yet persist on approaching their day to day interactions with others as though they are children. Your mind undoubtedly flashed immediately to Josh, Tom Hanks' character in the classic 80's film Big. But, people, please, clearly we can give a free pass to those who are magically transported into the future. It's those that didn't wake up 20 years older overnight that are the real problem. Kidults.

But really, maybe the problem is that the rest of us try to act in a mature fashion. Kidults certainly wouldn't be noticeable if everyone dealt with every situation in exactly the same manner as they did 15 years ago. Perhaps we should consider this change! As always, I know you need some guidance, so I am here to provide it.

Common Life Situations in Which it is Possible to Opt to Kidult (oh yeah, it's also a verb.):

#1: Dining Out
Adult Method: Wait patiently for your table, then sit quietly and chat amongst your party while you wait for your meal. Use silverware and proper table manners.
Kidult Method: Complain loudly in the lobby that you have been waiting for hours as you pace or run around. After you get the table, drum or beat your silverware on it until you get your food, which by the way you should order with as many additional specifications as possible. Eat with your hands. Halfway through the meal, begin to whine and put your head down on the table until everyone else is ready to leave.

#2: Dating
Adult Method: Well, you know. Whatever works for you.
Kidult Method: See a person of the sex to which you are attracted at a bar. Quickly pull out your crayon and construction paper and write them a note, asking if they will be your boyfriend or girlfriend. For good measure, and the sake of tradition, you ought to throw in a "check yes or no." Ask a friend to take the note to one of the people The Object of Your Desire is with. Then, and this part is very important, surround yourself with your friends and giggle a lot, thus rendering it impossible for he or she to actually talk to you. It is additionally important that if you see him or her again, you turn immediately as red as a beet and never speak to them.

#3: Taking Care of Your Home
Adult Method: Find a decorative style and painstakingly add items of interest to your home. As far as household chores, do them in a timely fashion and don't allow laundry, dishes, and trash to pile up.
Kidult Method: Decoration? All you need is a box of crayons, some finger paint, and an hour. Security Deposit? Who cares! And don't worry about doing things like feeding your pets and cleaning your room. Your mom will come behind you and take care of it. Your poor dog.

#4: Work
Adult Method: If most movies and television are a barometer for the modern work place, you're probably not going to like your job. And you're definitely not going to like at least one of the people that you work with. Adults just have to deal with it. Grown-ups need money because grown-ups have bills.
Kidult Method: In addition to locking the door of their office for an afternoon nap, kidults refuse to play nicely with those they don't like. If, at the weekly staff meeting, a coworker offends a kidult, the proper response is of course to gather your charts and any handouts you may have provided and stomp back to your office and slam the door.

#5: Trips in the Car
Adult Method: Get in the car. Shut the door. Start car. Drive to destination. For longer trips, bring snacks and cds.
Kidult Method: Get in the car. Make sure to bring at least 4 things to do in the car (iPod, book, some sort of car game, toys). Drop at least 3 of these things out of reach as soon as the car begins to move and you're trapped in your seatbelt. Begin to ask how much longer this trip will last almost from the moment of ignition. Whine. Wait 5 minutes. Whine. Announce you have to use the restroom and it's an emergency. Constantly ask to stop at every place that looks interesting by the side of the road: world's largest bale of hay, world's smallest chicken, world's biggest staple remover, etc.

So get out there! Act like a kid again! It is a sure fire way to command respect from your friends, coworkers, and any stranger who sees you try to eat spaghetti with your hands.

Note: Yeah, the hair is really bad. But come on, it was the 80's. At least I'm not wearing my New Kids on the Block nightgown.

Depressed?

2008-06-06T11:41:00.002-04:00

So, it's true. I am a horrible blogger who completely forgot, and two days in a row at that, to update her blog. The truth is, it's been sort of a roller coaster week for me: grades, primaries, class, work, and I've not known how I felt about something at any one time in order to present a coherent blawg about it. I'm sorry, I am imperfect. I am not even perfect by the man standard, much less the higher level of perfection that women are held to. But that is neither here nor there.

Even my blog file is running perilously low on ideas (Special thanks to Collin for vetoing the Collin Schueler's Day Off idea). Perhaps it's a summer slump or maybe it's writer's block, but I really just have nothing to say (This is also true of my Perspectives piece. Sorry Rosie, I love you, it's next.) And so the question becomes, write nothing of substance to appease my adoring fans or wait until I'm inspired to write my usual high caliber of genius commentary on the world. Clearly I should have waited.

The problem with the world is that all that's really going on is Political. And when I talk about things that are Political, I get in trouble/my opinion gets mocked and dismissed by others who seem to somehow know better than I the unique issues facing this whole uniting the democratic party thing. (This is why there was no blog on Wednesday.) And when I turned, as I usually do when I'm stumped, to the headlines to search for a topic, I found nothing but depression.

I mean, look at the CNN.com headlines right now:

So first of all 3-7 are out, as they are about the election and I have an opinion with apparently little worth, and let's face it, there are already enough places on the internet where people feel it's alright to spend hours commenting on things written by people they have never even met or bothered to meet (even perhaps despite being in the same school or classes) and there will be no outside ramifications. In life, people censor and think before they speak, but on the internet, people have no fear and are willing to type, or post videos of, anything. And that's why we have blogs in the first place (and youtube).

1, 2, 13, 18, 19 are just depressing commentaries on our economy and there really isn't anything funny there. Poor little old McMahon on the streets, waiting for it to finally be his turn to answer the door to the Prize Patrol, is not something I want to think about, and I'm sure you don't either.

8, 9, 10, 14- nothing with murder or missile or "ten minutes of terror" can possibly be entertaining.

Even my old standby, fark.com, brings nothing but stories of fallen soldiers, dead animals, and sadness. Well, plus one story about KMart making abstinence sweatpants (seriously, they say "true love waits" on the butt).

So I have no other option but to conclude that world is suffering from a moderate case of depression. Television would have me believe that the cure is Paxil, or a similar mood altering substance. I'm not sure how we'd go about that, short of having everyone in the world take paxil, and really there are a number of people with more pressing needs- like housing, food, clothes. (Though, I guess if they were on Paxil they wouldn't care that they were helplessly under the thumb of a military junta who did not mind that its citizens were homeless and diseased.)

Should the world seek therapy? Perhaps someone in a smart little pantsuit... like Barbara Streisand in The Prince of Tides? Or I think maybe there's a Bette Midler movie where she's a therapist... I guess what the world needs is a Jew in a Pantsuit to set us straight. (Hillary had half that down at least. So close!)

But maybe what the world needs is a little vacation, just a week at the Beach to rejuvenate. God knows I do.

A Natural Disaster I Know Nothing About

2008-05-29T17:52:00.002-04:00

I am an avid reader of the news. In fact, I probably spend more time on CNN.com than I spend doing pretty much everything else in my life with the possible, but not likely, exception of sleeping. And so perhaps it comes with the volume of news I consume a day, but I have noticed a significant percentage of natural disasters lately. And no, not just some of the pantsuits Hillary wears, or the fact that 12 million people chose David C over David A, and not even the fact that ABC picked up Scrubs for its fall schedule (I mean, come on, that show won't die!). But no, for once I am actually referring to the true meaning of my words, literal natural disasters. Floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and cyclones seem to be hitting the world one right after another.

I'm only a moderately religious person, but a series of natural disasters, especially the prevalence of earthquakes (for no apparent reason) makes me surmise that it's probably getting pretty close to the end of the world. I don't mean to alarm you, but I think it's pretty much a given that multiple earthquakes in a short amount of time is merely a harbinger of the End Times. (To be fair, I think this every time and it hasn't happened... yet.) And so the question that inevitably comes to mind is why? Why is this the end of the world? (And why are you wasting your time reading a blog when you could be out doing something you've always wanted to do?)

Now, I'm not a religious scholar by any means, but I think I'm on the right track with this one. And really, when has being unqualified to answer a question ever stopped me before. I think there is probably not one real reason why the world is going to end soon, but that it's more a series of events that have led up to God just calling it quits. You know, like when you have a really bad day and then you come home, step up to the door to put your keys in your lock and you drop them, and also it's raining, and that just becomes the one thing that sets you off? So what was it? What is the one thing that caused God to throw up his hands and say, "me damn it!"?

Did his TIVO forget to record Lost? Did he go for the last box of Girl Scout Cookies only to find that Jesus had gotten there first? Kids today!

These seem unlikely choices, but really there's no way of knowing what that one little tip to the iceberg was. Fortunately, I have a number of theories.

The first and most obvious reason the world is about to end is because we have a lady and a black guy competing to be the president of the United States! This is obviously a catalyst for the End Times, which, actually, you might already know if you listen to conservative talk radio. Think I'm wrong? Remember those freak tornadoes we had earlier this year here in Kentucky? When did they happen? Super Tuesday. I'm not wrong. I specifically remember, as I ran for the bathroom under the stairs, turning the tv channel away from the election coverage to the weather coverage. And that is why God spared me.

Another potential reason the end is near is America's Got Talent. Because, let's face it. America doesn't. I mean, is it a coincidence that all our favorite bands are British? For those of you who haven't seen the show, it takes socially awkward people performing things they've described as a "clothes-changing magic act", dummies performing with dummies who think they're ventriloquists, and a bunch of family bands, and puts them up on stage to be judged, somewhat ironically by two British people and David Hasselhoff, who is only considered to have talent in Germany.

Did anyone beside me see that they discovered the purpose of Stonehenge today? Archaeologists have been searching for decades because science has long been concerned Stonehenge would turn out to be that most detestable of things: art for art's sake. But this week, they've discovered. Stonehenge was... wait for it... a cemetery. I'm sure that you, like me, felt an understandable let down. Is there no mystery left? What's next? The Lost City of Atlantis will be discovered just east of Cleveland? But you know what, I'm totally fine with the world ending. Because who wants to live in a place where all the lost things are found and we only have unmysterious stone circles?

One word: wikipedia. Wikipedia is clearly of Satan. It might be hard to see why this ubiquitous source of all the potentially true information in the world as updated by dubious sources could be evil. Well, that is simply because I have a thirst for random, useless trivia about celebrities and historical figures. For example, I just wikied the entire life story of Christopher Knight, best known for his role of Peter Brady on the Brady Bunch. (In case you're wondering, he actually is still married to that girl he met on the Surreal Life.) So, you're reading about something really important like that, and then suddenly there's a link to read the entire life story of Florence Henderson, everyone's favorite tv mom. So then you see that Florence Henderson was in a Pepsi commercial with Ozzy Osbourne and you wonder, "gee, what has Ozzy Osbourne been doing since he had a reality show?" Then you see that he was once invited to the White House Correspondent's Dinner by Greta Van Susteren. And then you realize you don't really know anything about Greta Van Susteren. And then suddenly it's tomorrow. (It's for that same reason that tv shows on dvd earn an honorable mention spot on this list.)

And then, there is, of course, roller derby. Popular sport of the 1970's, you just don't see it anywhere anymore. And God, like me, feels that no roller derby=no reason to go on.

Red Rover, Red Rover, We dare Adults over...

2008-05-21T22:15:00.003-04:00

You may not know it but it's summer. Schools are starting to get out, kids are in the street playing basketball, eating popsicles, riding bikes, in general enjoying their lives.

If you haven't noticed, that is because you are, in a word, an adult. Chances are your summer looks a little less like reading books, climbing trees, and going to the local swimming pool, and a little bit more like the inside of a cubicle or similarly meaningless job prison.

Didn't it use to be that summer was the best? You waited all year for it, and you wanted each day to last forever so you could avoid school forever. Now as a reluctant grown-up, I've even chosen to attend school in the summer. My inner 8 year-old is appalled. Well, she would be, if she could pry herself away from Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Old Clock long enough to pass judgment on the terrible shame that is my life.

Becoming an adult is probably one of the most truly awful experiences you can have. Now that I've passed all of the entrance exams, I am sitting in the airport terminal waiting for the next big milestones to take off. (The most important being having a child to vicariously enjoy summer through, because it's okay to sit on the ground and draw with sidewalk chalk if you're with a kid. Not so much if you're by yourself. This just in: your neighbors will think you're crazy.)

The stupid thing is that this is what we wanted, to grow up. 8 year-old Anna would be so excited if she knew I had a house and a car and my very own cat. (She'd be a little less enthused that it wasn't a Barbie Dream House, that it wasn't a blue mustang convertible, and she'd be really upset to learn about litter boxes.) Somehow along the way we missed hearing the part where we'd have to trade racing our bikes in the street for worrying about the rising cost of energy to run our cars and air conditioners, red rover for paychecks, and catching fireflies for sitting in traffic.

But this is ludicrous. Why should we have to take this? I think it's time for every adult in America, nay, the world, to revolt. Worldwide summer vacation! If I want to skip out on work and go to the beach, there should be nothing my boss can say about it but, "Have a great time! Enjoy summer!" Forget the gas tax holiday, how about just a holiday?

Now, there will be some among you, namely economists, who think this is a terrible idea. But, "I'm not going to put my lot in with economists." But, at the end of the day, it's true that it probably wouldn't be that great for the economy if people could just randomly take off to enjoy a summer activity. So, we'll probably just have to use the hours a day that are wasted at American workplaces to enjoy our favorite summer pasttime at our desks.

How to Make the Most of Your Summer While Also Making the Most of Your Job:
1. Draw a hopscotch board between your desk and the copier.
2. Attempt to get a tan from the florescent light above your desk by spreading out your beach towel, throwing on your shades, and plopping down with a celebrity gossip magazine. Remember to turn every 15 minutes.
3. Replace the coffee pot with a frozen margarita machine.
4. For lunch, grill hot dogs and hamburgers at your desk.
5. Start a pickup baseball game in the breakroom or hallway.
6. Jazz up your afternoon can of Diet Coke with a paper umbrella.
7. Start a game of Capture the Flag between departments. It's against the rules to hide your flag in the boss's office.
8. Ride your bike not only to work, but to run errands, and to visit co-workers. Fellow employees will see that not only do you care about the environment, but you know how to have a good time. Women should be careful not to catch their heels in the pedals.
9. Put on your favorite bathing suit, flippers, and a swim mask when it's your turn to replace the tank in the water cooler.
10. Occasionally set off fireworks. Imagine how fantastic they will look shooting up over your cubicle wall. (Might want to stay in the bathing suit for when the sprinklers go off.)

Please note: I am not responsible for your imminent firing.

Seven Not-As-Deadly Sins

2008-05-15T10:41:00.000-04:00

I suspect it's only fair that I start off by explaining that I'm not Catholic. I have a very small amount of exposure to Catholicism, some assorted married-in family members, a few wedding and funeral masses, and pretty much every guy I've ever dated. That combined with one article in Time magazine, a few stories on cnn.com, and some recent wikipedia research is the entire basis for this entry in which I present, this, my undeniably expert opinion, on the Seven Deadly Sins.

It's not a secret that the Catholic Church is having a sort of Crisis of Membership lately for some unknown reasons. (Some possibilities: No one wants to be made to feel guilty all the time, people like to know what is being said in their churches, Protestant churches don't have quite the history of persecution and, to be precise, shadiness, etc. For more on my opinion of the Catholic Church, with special attention to the systematic suppression of women, please see my Senior Thesis.)

In recent times, the Catholic Church has tried to pull a Madonna. By which I do not mean moving to England and developing a fake British accent. I of course mean, reinventing itself. Yes, Catholicism is attempting the switch from dressing like a whore to adopting children from third-world countries. (My guess is right now they're stuck right around Ray of Light.) They've started doing mass in English in some places, relaxed a couple of lesser tenets, and now they're trying to jazz up the linchpin of Catholicism: The Seven Deadly Sins.

Though you may have noticed I adopt a sort of general sarcasm about Catholicism, I have to admit, I enjoy the Seven Deadly Sins. I like tests that come in 7's (anyone who studied Torts with me can attest to that) and it's nice to have a sort of listing of things to stay away from. Since the time of Gregory I, or Gregory the Great, or G-dizzle as he was known to his closest cardinals, the Seven Big Ones have remained virtually unchanged, despite being sort of pulled out of thin air. Over time, seven demons were assigned to go with the sins, and seven virtues were added so people would have something concrete to strive for.

I have made you a handy chart which you'll probably want to print out and put in your wallet:

Sin	Demon	Virtue
Lust	Asmodeus	Chastity
Gluttony	Beelzebub	Temperance
Greed	Mammon	Charity
Sloth	Belphegor	Diligence
Wrath	Satan	Kindness
Envy	Leviathan	Patience
Pride	Lucifer	Humility

Take some time to think about whether or not you've committed any of these lately. If so, you're probably going to Hell so you might want to just stop reading now and go out and do something awesome instead. If you're already damned, might as well go out with a bang, I say.

Artists and authors throughout the ages have helped to immortalize these sins and keep them in our minds. From Christopher Marlowe to Bertolt Brecht to Racquel Welch's unforgettable portrayal of Lust in the immortal film, Bedazzled. Now we live in a society that even has, wait for it, rubber wrist bands associated with each sin. LiveSlothfully?

But you have to admit, these sins are kind of scary sounding. And Demons? ick. So the Catholic Church has recently added seven new sins to give us a little more social guidance. These newer, prettier, modern sins are: environmental pollution, genetic manipulation, obscene wealth, infliction of poverty, drug trafficking, morally debatable experiments, and violation of the fundamental rights of human nature. They're a little less on the nose than the original, leaving lots of loopholes (what is a fundamental right of human nature?). Notably absent thus far are the associated demons (Dr. Frankenstein is the demon of morally debatable experiments?) and there seem to be no associated virtues (virtue associated with obscene wealth? self-infliction of poverty? no... that's a sin too. I'm going to need more guidance, Benny).

But I feel that if the Catholic Church really wants to appeal to a more modern audience, they ought to come up with more specific sins whose temptation a number of us fall victim to on a daily basis. So I have come up with a new set of the Seven Deadlies for you guys.

The Seven Not-As-Deadly-But-Still-Really-Bad Sins

Sin: Watching Too Much Reality Television
Demon: Ryan Seacrest
Virtue: PBS
If this weren't a sin, there would be nothing stopping you from staying on the couch, watching your 7th hour of America's Next Top Model. Except for, of course, dignity. But you can make up for it by watching 7 hours of PBS Documentaries and gentle educational programming. And hey, you can finally be one of those viewers they're always thanking. The truly virtuous among us get a totebag and a magnet.

Sin: Fast Food Abuse
Demon: Ronald McDonald
Virtue: Wild Oats
No, shopping at Wild Oats doesn't automatically turn you into a hippie, but constantly hitting the drive-thru does turn you into a fattie which is fine and all, if you're happy with yourself. But who really wants to die at 40? And, someone recently studied how much gas you use going through a drive-thru which is sort of laughable now, but in a couple of months when gas is $5 a gallon, you'll be saving every penny wherever you can, so that you're not paying $5 a gallon to drive home to a cardboard box on the sidewalk.

Sin: The Overshare
Demon: The Women of The View
Virtue: Self-Editing
We have ALL been there. You love your friend, but you didn't need a play by play of the sex she had the night before. We've all been tempted to share the intricate details of our doctor visit, but there are some things that are really best left unsaid. Especially to acquaintances, like the woman that works on a different floor in your building when you happen to bump into her in the elevator. Where she is trapped, listening to way too many details about your visit to the OBGYN.

Sin: Celebrity Obsession
Demon: Pat O'Brien
Virtue: Gossiping about your own damn friends
Pat O'Brien may like to talk dirty, but he also likes to talk about Ashley Simpson's nose job, Paris Hilton's party life, and Oprah's latest endeavor (which happens to be launching her own cable channel... what the french toast). If you all stopped caring, then I would all be able to stop hearing about it. Then I wouldn't have to give my opinion on the latest star marriage when I called my grandma. One downside to declaring this a sin would be that we would have no basis for small talk in awkward small talk type situations, like with dental hygienists or bank tellers.

Sin: Giving Your Children Stupid Names
Demon: Gwyneth Paltrow
Virtue: Not Giving Your Children Stupid Names
While I realize that your child will be the only Raisinina in her class, that is not an excuse for naming her that. We're trying so hard to not name our children mainstream things that pretty soon we will live in a world where there will be 4 Rasininas in her class. Isn't it about time to cycle out and start naming our daughters Doris, Bette, Ingrid, and Joyce again? And there's nothing wrong with following the Beatles Naming Theory for boys (Ringo Starr's first name is really Richard, I am certainly not advocating naming your child Ringo). Gwyneth, your child may be the only Apple in her class, but she probably would have been the only Joan too. And who are we kidding, your child will be tutored at home anyway.

Sin: Intensely Private Cell Phone Conversations at Top Volume in Public Places
Demon: that woman in line behind you at the bank, that man in the grocery aisle, your co-worker in the next cubicle over...
Virtue: Privacy
This one sort of goes hand and hand with The Overshare, sort of like Sloth and Gluttony. Only here, all you're trying to do is go about your live without hearing about someone's bunions, or marital troubles, or problems in their sex life. You're just trying to buy some groceries and go home without knowing the details of the plastic surgery the woman in the bread aisle had. People guilty of this are also guilty of obliviousness to your presence, or the fact that they are standing in front of the shelf you need to get to, gabbing away.

Sin: Talking a lot about weird or incomprehensible things or things no one cares about
Demon: John McCain
Virtue: Being somewhat topical or interesting
As I write this, John McCain is giving a speech pretending it's 2013 and telling us what happened in the last 4ish years. Unless John McCain is a soothsayer, which seems unlikely, he's run out of things to say. Some say, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I say, "if you can't say anything interesting, don't say anything at all." First he was on his biography tour ("This is the High School gym where I wrestled...." "This is the soda fountain where I took my first date..." "This is the tool my uncle used to invent the wheel...") and now it's 2013. If you or I talked like it was 5 years from now, people would think we were CRAZY. But this doesn't just go for John McCain, this applies to all of us. No one needs to know exactly how you decided what to eat for lunch. And "how are you?" generally just requires, "I'm fine, you?" not a 20 minute discourse on your week.

Notably absent from all of these lists would be something like... I don't know... murder. So check it out! Murder is not a sin! Use that information wisely. But remember when you pick up your Us Weekly, flip on Big Brother 349, or pick up your child, Telephonica, from school: you're going to Hell.

I can definitely wear this dress again

2008-05-07T13:38:00.003-04:00

I'm back! And I bet you thought that I'd try really hard to make this entry great because I made you wait two weeks for it. That was sweet, though completely unfounded.

Anyway, finals are over and I'm back to being a normal human being, rather than one that lives on snack food and caffeinated beverages and never sees the light of day.

Part of being a real human again is having perspective on a number of things I've neglected lately such as the cleanliness of my house (it is seriously not good - my sincere apologies to those I've entertained in the last month or so), what I look like (you know, actually bothering to fix my hair and not just wearing yoga pants and my Hillary Clinton t-shirt everywhere I go), and really who I am in general.

I am a single girl and like many single girls of a certain age, have a number of responsibilities. We live alone or with roommates and so find ourselves responsible for bills or parts of bills and our fair share of housework (or, let's be honest, ladies, sometimes less than our fair share. Please take a moment to thank your roommates.) We are responsible for moisturizing our faces, putting air in our car tires, remembering our birth control, and keeping our red shirts separate from our white shirts. (It is my belief that this is why women have embraced pink. Men could learn a lot from this... or instead could learn about laundry.) We have jobs or are students or have jobs and are students. We are responsible for the care and maintenance of roughly half the world's small dog population, 1/3 of all cats, and fully 80% of betta fish. (As a group, we are solely responsible for the spoiling of all chihuahuas.) We attend church and sporting events, and it is our job to keep Grey's Anatomy on the air. You may wonder, is there anything we can't handle? The answer, of course, is yes. A Diamond Ring. On someone else's finger.

Now, I'm no Bridget Jones, hopelessly romantic, wishing to get engaged, wishing I could be "so lucky." In fact, it matters very little to me whose hand the ring is on- be it former roommate, co-worker, that girl you hate- until it's inches from my face and it comes with the most dreaded five word phrase in the Single Girl Dictionary:

Will You Be a Bridesmaid?

Now, every girl knows that there's only one acceptable answer to that question (barring extreme circumstances such as moving to another city, conveniently scheduled elective surgery, or a well-timed business trip- please note: Emily Post would say it is not acceptable to move or have surgery solely to relieve oneself from the duty) and so you muster your best Bridesmaid Smile and say, "I'd love to!" while your mind immediately flashes to your recurring orange taffeta nightmare.

But now, you've done it. You've crossed the threshold, passed the Point of No Return. You are: A Bridesmaid.

As a Bridesmaid, there are really four responsibilities that you have:

#1- Attire
As a Bridesmaid, it is generally your responsibility to be ugly. Now you can try really hard. You can get your hair fixed up and your make up done but simply nothing is going to dress up puke green or aqua. Why are there bridesmaids? Well, that would be so that guests can look up at the altar and be disgusted by the hideous line of women and rest their attention on the beautiful, pristine woman in white. With some exceptions, it is time honored tradition to dress your bridesmaids in horrible and often gigantic gowns. Some women like to go with dresses that match the carpet or the grass or background of the wedding so that their bridesmaids can literally fade in the background (except of course, until they need them to bustle their skirt or hold their gown up while they pee.) But the best part about the dress is that you will totally wear it again! Every bride says this. And every Bridesmaid says, "absolutely!" and then tucks it in the back of their closet and glances at it occasionally, especially around Halloween.

Bottomline: Bridesmaids are there for assistance, not for beauty. If presented with a color you truly hate, a few subtle hints, ("look at this blue" or "I really love that red") might do the trick. If not, at least you get to drink at the reception. By the end of the night, you won't care if you're even wearing a dress. And really, chances are good you won't be.

#2- Giving Your Opinion.
This one is very tricky. Why? Because there is rarely any discernible difference between the roughly two dozen china patterns you must sift through. And I, personally, can almost never be induced to care whether one ought to have 10 or 12 glasses. Basically this is a total guessing game. Calla lilies or roses? First you try to read the look on the bride's face. (Level of difficulty increases slightly if you're on the telephone. Then you must go for tone of voice. Men may be right. It's nearly impossible to read a woman's tone of voice.) Then you must act like you recognize that there is a difference between the options. "Both have their merits" or "There's so much I like about each of them." And then comes the blind panic where you can't stall any longer and you're forced to to choose! "The roses, " you say. And then the excruciating moment while you wait, with baited breath, to see if you were correct. Because, as I hope everyone knows, if a woman asks a question that requires you to choose between two options, it's really just to validate the choice she has already made.

Bottomline: It is helpful to carry dice, or a coin, or a dart with you at all times.

#3- Showers.
Men, I'm going to stop you right here and say, this shower with multiple women that I'm about to describe, is not at all what you're imagining. A Bridal Shower is potentially the worst experience of your life. Second usually to Baby Showers. (At least at Bridal Showers you rarely have to play the game with the melted candy bars and the diapers. And there are no storks, which are, let's face it, nature's creepiest bird.) To begin with, there is often a theme. Now, I enjoy a theme party as much or slightly more than the next person, but that's when the theme involves costumes. A Bridal Shower rarely involves costumes. I, however, often choose to go in character: as someone who enjoys gushing over kitchenware and can't get enough of tiny tea sandwiches. Add to this obscure family members, or even family members of the groom, whom you must interact with in a non-offensive way. For example, probably not appropriate to tell your friend's soon-to-be mother-in-law about that time in undergrad you were out and she made out with that guy on top of the bar. Definitely not a story for a shower. So then what are you left with? Their china pattern? Perhaps you can delve into the intense thought process you underwent when giving your opinion. Best not to mention that you guessed.

Bottomline: Be prepared to discuss mundane topics with great-aunts and go home with oh-so-useful party favors, like a sachet that looks like your bridesmaid dress. This is great! Because you love that color.

#4- The Big Day
The months, or sometimes years, of Bridesmaid preparation pale in comparison to this, the most important day of your Bridesmaid career. The wedding. You will spend a majority of your time standing, in painful heels (that are of course dyed to match your lovely dress), waiting to be photographed. However, there are a number of other important jobs that you could be faced with. One is the aforementioned bridal bathroom assistance. Your powers of opinion will also be useful here to determine which eye shadow is best, or which hairstyle is best so don't forget to pack a coin in your teeny tiny matching purse. Additionally, that which you learned at the shower will come in handy here when you're forced to make conversation with the assorted party guest. Your role here is mostly over once you dance the obligatory wedding party dance with a groomsman you don't know very well, who you are now linked to because he's your friend's husband's friend. That's practically related. After this, you move on to your most important Bridesmaid duty: sampling the open bar.

Bottomline: Today is a day that is long, but ends in drinking. What more do you need to know?

Men, and women who are newly awakened to the Plight of the Modern Bridesmaid, may wonder why women have bridesmaids to begin with. Will you have bridesmaids, despite your obvious sarcasm in regards to the topic? Well, of course I will. Being a bridesmaid isn't all bad. I mean, at least there's Bachelorette Parties and gifts, and it's nice to be there for your friend. And besides, payback's a bitch.

Sorry!

2008-04-23T23:22:00.004-04:00

So, I didn't blog today. I know. It's official. I suck.

It's a funny story really: I had a final yesterday, I have one on Friday, and I have two more next week.

Wait. That's not at all funny.

So I'll be back May 7. Mark it on your calendars.

Good luck on finals everyone!

Thanks for reading regularly. Love, Anna

A Brief History of Social Interaction

2008-04-16T14:28:00.004-04:00

So if you're reading this, and you don't have facebook... I'm sorry but, who doesn't have facebook? I don't understand how you are able to function on a daily basis. How do you know if your friends love The Hills? How do you know if Thirsty Thursday is coming up? How do you stalk your third grade crush?

I am so confused.

Well, for you, the socially out of touch, and all the rest of us, facebook has come along way. I don't claim to have been there since the inception, but I have been a member since just shortly after it came to UK, I am not going to lie. I have celebrated more than two birthdays having my inbox flooded with my facebook friends replacing personal greetings with off-hand postings made late at night and I have had more than one relationship status change quickly broadcast to all my nearest and dearest... and that boy from the dorms... and the girl I had Honors English with my freshman year... and that one guy that wants to be friends with everyone on facebook. Facebook was a comparatively rudimentary form of communication back then. (When I was your age, sonny, facebook was only for college students...) Can we even remember life before we could join a group to tell all our friends that we f-ing loved Saved by the Bell? And how did we ever live when all we were able to do was add and message random people from our past?

Now, we can know their every move.

Facebook has gotten, in one carefully crafted and fully accredited word, stalkery. Now you facebook oldtimers can sit back in your virtual rocking chairs and remember a day when you logged on and suddenly your homepage, previously listing only the pokes you had received (poke war!!!), was a listing of each activity undertaken by each of your friends on that particular day. This feature was met with resistance at first, until people realized how ridiculously much they loved stalking their friends. Finally, you could know the exact moment your friend stopped thinking "Dane Cook is the funniest man on Earth!!!!" or they no longer are of the opinion that "Come on, fart jokes are just funny!!!!!!!" Now no one has to be broken up, in a relationship, or engaged for more than 20 seconds without reading a kind of word of condolences or congratulations.

An additional stalkery feature, and what is in my opinion the most stalkery feature, is the new ads. I feel like someone is standing outside my living room watching me and tailoring ads to fit my specific habits and activities. Facebook is constantly suggesting I would be much happier if only I were to take them up on their offer of membership to an exclusive democratic dating site. "You don't have to be lonely anymore!" it admonishes me. (query: How would facebook know I was lonely? I mean, I do have 700 friends.) When I was briefly engaged to the lovely Miss Courtney Ross, facebook was right there, ready to help me plan my wedding. And now it has a number of breakup and dating resources for me. Facebook has also presented both sides of the weight loss issue: some days telling me that it's okay, Not All Women are Skinny and some days providing me with weight loss solutions. To this I say, how the hell does facebook know I'm fat? I am clearly being stalked by the Mark Zuckerberg equivalent of the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys. (perhaps flying hundred dollar bills?) Oh but dear friends, it is not just me. Facebook is also stalking you on my behalf to let me know that I have resources to perform an intervention, because apparently some of you need it. According to facebook, one of you has a relationship with me that is just being destroyed because of your penchant for collecting spoons. Clearly facebook thinks I am someone who needs to come before your damn spoon collection.

All told, though, facebook has completely revolutionized the way we communicate, and that is to say by making it possible for us to not actually have to interact with someone, while simultaneously getting the credit for socializing. It is, in a word, brilliant. (other possible words to describe it: creepy, huge waster of time, gigantic distraction)

Which brings us to the present. This week, facebook has once again changed our lives by introducing this brand-new way to stalk people: facebook chat. Most of us were blissfully studying for finals, enjoying the return of new tv, or taking the time to actually be productive members of society, when BAM facebook out of nowhere had a new feature. Now we clearly must spend a significant percentage of our day sending test messages to our friends. "Hey, does this really work?!?!" "Just testing out the new feature!!!"

Perhaps knowingly, or maybe completely accidentally, facebook has upped the amount of drama in our lives. (Sidenote: when you attempt to quit facebook, it asks you if you are leaving because of all the social drama it is causing. There is so much drama on this site. It's like a drama site.) Now when you get online, you have the option, and let's just say blatant temptation, to send a message to that guy you liked in high school that you never really got up the nerve to talk to. This is likely not a great idea. (obvious exception: you grew out of your awkward phase and got totally hot and he is single) Also, now you have the option to chat with that girl you sat by in fifth grade.

A conversation that I imagine will go something like this:
You: Oh my god, hi! How are you?
Her: Great, you?
You: I'm good. What are you up to now?
Her: I am going to school in Florida. What are you doing?
You: Oh, I'm still in Lexington. I'm in law school.
Her: When do you graduate?
You: Oh... not for a couple of years. You?
Her: 2009
You: Cool.

aaaaaaand that's pretty much all you have to say to each other. But what do you do? You've established a conversation! You have to come up with more things to say! And do you have to talk to her whenever you see her online now? TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I haven't decided how I feel about facebook chat, though I was willing to engage in it for a large portion of the day (research for my blog, of course). If it had some sort of way to indicate an expression of sarcasm, it would have the edge on AIM, and it would prevent 50% of all the arguments between the couples of the world.

So basically, what I'm saying here is, facebook has ruined my life. It is my personal belief that Mark Zuckerberg only invented it as a way to distract the entire rest of the world so he could accomplish more and get rich. Mission accomplished, Mark, mission accomplished.

How To...

2008-04-09T13:01:00.006-04:00

It occurs to me that most of you are probably relying on my blog for more than just to get you through Property without dozing off. Yes, most of you are relying on my blog as a handy and succinct guide to live your lives, right?

See, I knew it.

So today, I provide you with some of my handiest "how to" tips, which no doubt you'll want to implement immediately.

HOW TO BARGAIN SHOP
Groceries:
The first thing you'll want to do is make a grocery list. Be sure to put every imaginable thing you could possibly want on the list, cost is no limit. This allows you to spend a maximum amount of time standing in the snack food aisle determining whether you really can justify buying 8 different types of pretzels. Finals are coming, so you can. (Helpful Hint: Any calories you consume while studying don't count! This does not mean you can just hold a casebook while you eat a whole cake. I mean actively studying- putting in a dvd and opening books all around you while you eat.)

When you arrive at the grocery store, start all the way in the far right aisle (This is my favorite aisle, the cheese aisle, in my Kroger. I don't know about yours.)

Now follow these steps:
1. Pick up item you have on list.
2. Look immediately to the right and left of the item you wish to purchase. Identify store brand.
3. Replace the desired item, with the only psychologically less desirable off-brand item. (Seriously, Kroger's "spaghetti-rings with meat" tastes exactly the same as "spaghetti-o's with meatballs.")

You should follow these steps with every item you wish to buy.

Exception to the Rule: There are three items you NEVER want to cheap out on or else you will be very sorry. Fortunately, this handy mnemonic device will assist you.

The Three T's of Bargain Shopping:
Tequila
Tampons
Toilet Paper

Clothing:
Bargain shopping for clothes can be a bit trickier (to borrow a bit of the Ausness lexicon). The key to bargain shopping for clothes is justification. Someone once told me that if you can think of three places to wear an item of clothing you should get it. But really, can't you justify two? Especially if it's two you spend a lot of time at, such as school or work? And honestly, one will probably be enough. I mean, maybe that dress (or suit, to be gender inclusive) you want to buy for your friend's wedding is really expensive, but lots of your friends will get married and you'll need something to wear for those too, right? (Helpful Hint: Brides tend to get upset if you show up to their weddings naked!) You'll simply put this on your credit card and then not go out to eat until you pay it off, right? Yep, that's exactly what Visa wants you to think.

The gist: As long as you can justify it's okay! And remember, people are constantly inundating you with free t-shirts, so it's not like you'll go naked if you blow your whole clothing budget on a new pair of shoes.

HOW TO PROCRASTINATE PRODUCTIVELY
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today." That's really cute. If you live your life by this maxim, might I suggest you use your unencumbered free time to cross-stitch that onto a throw pillow and leave me the hell alone. The rest of us understand that 90% of any good project is procrastination. For example, I spent 20 minutes looking at cartoons and pictures that came up when I google image searched "procrastination" before beginning to write this blog.

Steps for Effective Procrastination*:
1. Make a list of everything that needs to be done. Start with the important schoolwork or other pressing tasks to accomplish. Then look around. What else needs to be done? Be sure to add to your list every single thing. Also, if things have multiple steps, you should list them separately. Example: "do dishes" breaks down into "empty dishwasher" and "load dishwasher" From cleaning out your e-mail inbox, to organizing your desktop, to taking out the garbage, to writing the 20 page paper that's due tomorrow, everything should be given equal weight.
2. Start with the simplest task to accomplish. Check it off! Take a break. You've e-mailed your aunt back, so now you deserve to watch a half hour of tv. And while you're at it, don't you need to clean out your DVR? You'll need to check that off, no matter how long it takes.
3. Gather and sort all your laundry. It will be unnecessary to begin the washing process. You can do that later.
4. It is undoubtedly time to eat a meal at this point. Probably dinner. Do that.
5. After dinner is a perfect time to do the dishes.
6. Accomplish any tasks on your list that involve cleaning. It is impossible, or at least improbable, to get any work done when your house is such a mess!
7. Of course it is unnecessary to accomplish everything on your list, but as long as the majority of the simple tasks have been completed, you can call it a success! If it is not midnight, you can continue to do the rest of your list, or (and this is a clear choice) take a well deserved break.
8. Midnight. Alright. It's time to start the thing that's due tomorrow.
9. Oh my god, did you forget to blog? And what's happening in the world? Better check cnn.com. Oh and facebook. Wouldn't want to miss a single status update.

*Note: Some people, after creating a list, will create a schedule. For example, one might say, "It's 3:00 now. I will finish my blog and read contracts and be out of here by 5:00." A true procrastinator will finish her blog around 4:30 and then play a number of games of Mario online ("I'll just play until I die"). At 5:00, she would be able to justify just going on home with her books. ("I'll get work done there, I'm sure.")

HOW TO DRESS FOR THE WEATHER
My third and final How To tip for the day is important especially for the large number of my avid readers who are not Kentuckians. If Kentucky were to have seasons, we would have two: Summer and Autwintmerspring. In Autwintmerspring, the season that encompasses 10 of the 12 months of the year (excluding July and August), the weather is liable to change with a mere second's notice. That means you have to be very prepared when you leave the house in the morning. You'll want to be sure to dress for a 50 degree temperature range as well as any sort of foreseeable precipitation. (Helpful Hint: In ice or a medium amount of snow, you will usually get to leave wherever you are and head home early.)

Suggested Outfit:
Shoes- Flip flops are cool and breezy when it's hot outside, and are adaptable to lots of precipitation as feet do in fact dry. Flip flops are not great when it's snowing, however, which is why I recommend keeping a spare pare of rainboots with you at all times.

Pants- Those pants that unzip and become shorts. They probably have a name, most likely it's something clever like, "Perfect Kentucky Pants" or "These Pants Are the Kind that Become Shorts." The benefit to these pants, is that in case of hot weather, the pieces you unzipped off can become a visor, or handkerchief to mop up.

Shirt: This is going to require layers. First: spaghetti strap tank top or sleeveless undershirt (are the kids still calling these "wifebeaters"?) Next short-sleeved t-shirt. Follow this up with a long sleeved t-shirt, then a hooded sweatshirt ( hoodies- the only fanny pack it's been acceptable to wear since 1995) . You will want to carry a thick winter coat with you at all times as well.

Hat: You'll definitely need a hat, either a sun hat, baseball cap, or toboggan. You can carry the spares with you as well.

You're probably wondering how in the world you're supposed to carry all these things with you. Haven't you ever wondered why so many people have those wheelie backpacks?

Alright. I don't want to overwhelm you, so go ahead and implement these three pieces of advice to affirmatively change your life. Then, when I feel you're ready, grasshopper, I will be glad to continue your training.

A Handy Dandy Guide to Girls

2008-04-02T17:12:00.003-04:00

Now, I've gotten a lot of criticism of my ongoing series on how to live your life (you know, Part One: Dance Dance Exculpation and Part Two: Personal Negative Attack Ads). In fact, one of my more aggressively critical fans was nice enough to tell me those were my worst and second worst entries respectively.

So in honor of said critic, whom we will call "Shmarnell SmcCoy" (wouldn't want to embarass you, Darnell!), I present the first part of my second ongoing (neverending?) series, my guide to male-female relationships.

Part One: Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Girl*

*It is important to note that many of these apply to all relationships with women, not just romantic relationships. You know that your sister is going to be just as mad as your girlfriend if you insinuate she's gained some weight, right? I hope you do, or else this is going to be a very very long series.

#10: You're being irrational.
Our threshold into the world of foolish men is dedicated to Mr. SmcCoy himself. This was the first thing he learned about girls. And let me tell you, he learned this the hard way. Girls do not want to hear this when you are arguing with them. Mostly because we are not being irrational. You may not be following our logic, but it's not our fault that you're stupid. Along with this, when we are arguing, you should not ever ever ever ever say, "why are you being a bitch?" This will not go over well. Don't believe me? Try it. Some of you may have already tried it... with your ex-girlfriends.

#9: Are you wearing that?
You wear a shirt you picked up off the floor and smelled to make sure it was okay to wear and we spend 2 hours getting ready and then you have the nerve to critique our outfit? Yes, yes we are really wearing that. We've probably been planning to wear that for several days. Are you really wearing that pair of jeans for the 4th day in a row? Oooh and sandals. How original. Additionally, we get zits. We don't want to talk about them.

#8: Are you really going to eat that?
Yeah. This one is bad. "Hey, will you get me a cookie?" "Seriously? You already had one." Not good. I don't know if you know this, but similarly to men, women also require food to, you know, survive. The last thing I need to hear is you question my one cookie when I've just sat and watched you eat an entire pizza and part of an order of breadsticks.

#7: Are you mad?
Guys, if you have to ask, the answer is yes. Also, if you ask and we're only slightly irritated, that will definitely push us off the cliff and into the River of Anger. And when we get mad, it is never a good idea to tell us to "calm down." We are calm. We are also rational. (see above)

#6: She is so hot.
No girl really wants to be compared to any other girl. And even when you think you are just making an offhand comment about the attractiveness of say, Kristen Bell, you are actually comparing the girl you are talking to to the girl you are lusting after. I mean really, none of us (or at least very few of us) are delusional enough to think we can actually be compared to beautiful movie starlets (who by the way have stylists and assistants). I mean, we have mirrors, but we would really rather just pretend you think we're more beautiful. And so you should also pretend.

#5: You remind me of my mom.
Gross. This is not hot. This will cause us to spend hours discussing your Oedipus complex with our girlfriends. And, it will do the most unfortunate thing of all: open our eyes to the ways you're like our fathers. Poof! (That was the magic disappearing instantly.)

#4: My ex would have.
No no no no no no no. We hear, "my ex was way better than you." And unless your ex is me, this is never an appropriate thing to say to a girl. If I may reiterate, we do not like to be compared to other women (occasional exception for a list of the ways we're better than another girl). It is additionally unfair to use this as a persuasion tactic. Especially in the bedroom. This is most likely going to result in you camping out in the living room, or making the long walk of shame back to your apartment at 2 a.m. Neither of which are ideal, as I'm sure you can agree.

#3: What you should do is...
I'm pretty sure I cannot say this enough. This is an extremely important point, so guys, those of you who have not just written me off as a crazy manhating feminist and have managed to read this far, pay special attention. When I come home from school, work, the gym (ha!), my parents' house, or anywhere really, I want to TELL you about the problem I had there, or relate the extended conversation I had with my mom about how poorly I'm living my life. The very last thing I want to hear is your ideas on how I can fix the situation. Chances are good I already know how to fix it (sidenote: My method of choice usually is pretend it didn't happen.) What I want is for you to listen to the problem, say things like, "oh that's terrible" and "awww" at the appropriate times. Men, repeat this several times to yourselves: Sympathy not Solutions.

#2: I was going to but...
This one has implications in the cardinal rule of existence: Do what you say you're going to do. Chances are pretty good that most problems can be solved by following that simple mantra.

Under this heading, there are two possible ways you can go with this. The first is making an excuse as in, "I was going to call but instead I played video games and then fell asleep." Next time, call before you pick up the controller. Fight avoided.

The second is almost worse but not quite. It's "I was going to bring you flowers but I didn't." or "I was going to make you a nice dinner, but instead I just ordered pizza." If you were going to do something nice, I can see where you might think mentioning it would gain you points, but believe me, it does not. In fact, in the long run, you lose points because you've mentioned that you were going to be thoughtful and nice but decided not to. We'll just want to know why you decided not to. And then your whole evening is ruined. Never good.

#1: Are you on your period or something?
I can't imagine something I want a man to say to me less. It's right up there with, "I cheated on you with your sister." (And that would be especially bad for me since I'm an only child.) I mean, really, if I am on my period, the very last thing you want me to do is TALK ABOUT IT. So really, you want to bring it up?

Men, you'll want to print this out and laminate it immediately so you can keep it in your wallet and refer to it in social situations. I cannot even begin to describe how much happier your life will be if you just avoid these ten simple phrases. You'll get to avoid hearing rants like this. And this is an extreme rant. I mean, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe I'm on my period or something.

Special Thanks to JoAnna, Court, Kelsey, Rosie, Jamie, Caroline, Todd, Hunter, and Tom for assisting me in compiling this list. Tom, you might want to say things in your head before you say them to girls though. "stop crying" ??? Also, thanks to Darnell, but he didn't know he was helping. He was just being himself.

What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

2008-03-27T20:17:00.006-04:00

Please note: I'm sure you thought that because I blogged late, today's "blawg" entry would be twice as good (or at least one day more as good). Well, you were wrong. Be prepared to be disappointed.

The only thing I've ever really wanted to be when I grew up was a Lego Artist. As in, an artist that uses legos as a medium (see above). Contest: The first person to successfully name the painting (and artist) on whom the lego art is based wins some sort of yet to be determined fabulous prize or perhaps nothing but the glory of enjoying art. Yeah, probably nothing.

Over the course of my life, like most people unless you're just completely unmotivated, I've wanted to be a number of things:
veterinarian (vetoed because of spelling difficulties)
astronaut (math? science? what?, also is difficult to spell)
veterinarian/astronaut (in case NASA wanted to go back to using monkeys and dogs)
Broadway star
teacher (every bossy little girl goes through this phase... not that I was bossy or anything...)
lead singer for a famous band
doctor
movie star (of course)
detective (I would be great at the part where you suddenly put on sunglasses and stare thoughtfully away from the camera.)

Then, I got older and my ideal careers got... well... boring:
Marketing Director for a Performing Arts Center or Regional Theatre
Public Relations
Broadway Star

And now it's:
Lawyer

... sigh

However, my search for the perfect career has by no means ended now that I have ostensibly chosen a direction in life. I personally see no reason why I should choose a reasonable career when I have such a great future in Lego Art. I assume, I've never actually tried.

Here are some things I've wanted to be today:

Something Undercover
Okay, so up until just a few minutes ago, I thought the only undercover things you could be were like, famed British spies, international men of mystery, or police officers trying to break up things like, say, a prostitution ring involving a governor. But then today, I discovered that you can be an undercover fisherman! So that begs the all-important question: What else is undercover? What if the kind of mean and loud woman who makes the sandwiches at the Twisty Tree is undercover? How about the old man at Dirty Phil's? Maybe you even have an undercover roommate. In a world where information is at a premium, it is imminently foreseeable that everyone could have spies everywhere. Does crabby Twisty Tree lady secretly work for Subway, learning the secrets of the Kentucky Club panini? I warn you, readers, look at your friends and family more carefully. It doesn't really matter for what; it is my firm intention to become undercover...or maybe I already am.

A Writer for Saturday Night Live
You may say I have an inflated sense of my own comedic writing talents (especially while reading this terrible entry) but I say: have you seen it lately? can I really be worse?

President of the United States
It's a shame that after November, I will no longer have the opportunity to become the first woman president, but I still want to be president nonetheless. I have a number of really important platform issues and campaign promises such as women's rights, March Madness to be declared a national holiday with all offices and schools closed during games, amnesty for illegal immigrants (will likely still be an issue in 12 years when I am eligible to run), abolishment of term limits so I can be president forever, mandatory arts education in public schools, more free burrito days at Chipotle, and the list goes on and on and on. It might be a pipe dream, however, so at the very least Governor of Kentucky. Those guys can get away with anything.

Stranded on a Desert Isle
What I really want out of this: peace and quiet, a nice tan, an unlimited supply of non-legal books, and the ability to go swimming every day. The best way to accomplish this is probably survivable plane crash near a string of uninhabited islands. Or a storm arising on my three hour tour. Sidenote: What were they on a three hour tour of? Marginally habitable islands easily accessed by natives and crazy people but not by the Coast Guard?

But I'm pretty sure I will stick with Lego Artist, it's the only thing that seems very lucrative. And by lucrative, I of course mean waiting until I retire and relying on my pension after an undeniably brilliant but dull career as a lawyer.

Please Forgive Me

2008-03-26T01:08:00.009-04:00

The Terrible Tale of an Overworked Law Student: A Limerick

By Anna Girard

There once was a girl facing Law School.
At first it was great, and she thought she was cool.
Then her appellate brief was due,
And though she wanted to be true,
This week she must blog on Thursday.

My New BFF

2008-03-19T16:44:00.003-04:00

Hey, bitches. I don't know if you've heard, but Paris Hilton is in the market for a new BFF. (This means "best friend forever" for all you losers/clueless mothers out there.) It's quite a competition, though, so you'll need to bring your A Game.

Now that's hot.

MTV, always looking to make The Next Great Ridiculous Reality Television Show, has offered to help Paris on her quest. Instead of relying on school, work, or hobbies to develop friendships with those around her with similar personalities or common interests, Paris Hilton is oh so lucky to be able to streamline this entire process with http://parisbff.com. You, loyal fans of Paris, can peruse the profiles and vote for your top choice. I mean, who knows her better than the millions of strangers with internet access? So convenient for the socialite on-the-go, too busy to form her own friendships!

Having spent a lot of time on this website today, I can affirmatively tell you that there are a number of viable candidates for the job. The current Number One goes by the name of BenjyBenjy and is a self-described bitchy, fierce, and uberfierce gentleman. What a combination!!

Always thinking, the savvy Miss Hilton has allowed you to post your collection of videos, blogs, and photos that best exemplify why you are the perfect friend for her. She only asks you three questions. And indeed, they are the three questions that I ask most people I intend to become friends with (just ask Todd).

#1: What's the wildest thing you've ever done?
#2: What's a secret you wouldn't want to come out when you become famous?
#3: How would you fit into my socialite circle?

Without a doubt, the profiles and videos are giving Paris a lot of options, but I wanted to submit a few more, considering I have a fundamental difference of opinion with Paris as to how she spends her time and money. (I think Rosie said it best when she said, "She has millions of dollars. She could eat anything she wants. Why is she skinny?")

Susan B. Anthony
Despite being rather dead, I feel Susan B. Anthony would be a calming influence to Paris. A reminder of a "simpler time" when women had absolutely no rights whatsoever. Paris could use a little reminding of a time when women were prevented from owning property, could not own businesses, were excluded from unions, or the police force, or fire departments, and couldn't just run around in tiny skirts, carrying tiny dogs, and having a ridiculously large impact on the lives of ordinary citizens. Wildest thing she's ever done? Getting arrested for voting illegally. Secret she wouldn't want to come out when she's famous? She never learned how to do long division. (Not to be preachy, but seriously, her teacher refused to teach her because she was a woman.) Role in Paris Hilton's socialite circle? Maybe she could get those girls to care about something more than cocaine and nice cars.

Sue Johanson
The 77 year-old host of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson, has at least one common interest with Paris: sex. Wildest thing she's ever done? Opened the first birth control clinic at a high school in Canada. Secret? If you've seen her show (Sunday nights on Oxygen), you know that this woman has no secrets. Role in the socialite circle? Running down the street after the girls, waving handfuls of condoms.

Margaret Sanger
A lady on my top 10 favorites list, Margaret Sanger and Paris Hilton have another important interest in common: birth control. Paris Hilton probably couldn't name who was responsible for the drug that's revolutionized her life, but that would be Ms. Margaret Sanger. Wildest thing she's ever done? She was wild and crazy and violated the Comstock Law and various obscenity laws by distributing information on how women can limit the number of pregnancies they have and encouraging the use and development of birth control. Secret she wouldn't want to get out? She had an affair with H.G. Wells. Role in the socialite circle? Probably cooking for the group... or... you know... disseminating birth control.

Sandra Day O'Connor
One of my all-time favorite women and all-around great person, Paris Hilton would be lucky to have her as her sidekick. Known for her logical, methodical decision making, Paris might not like having to wait for her opinion to get published, but she'd like it when she got it. Wildest thing she's ever done? Send a pithy reply to a New York Times editorial. Secret she wouldn't want to get out? She dated William Rehnquist in law school. (That's right, folks, choose your law school dates wisely, they could end up being appointed to the same life-long job as you. Kind of sheds a new light on the amicable breakup, right Renee?) Role in the socialite circle? Sewing white frilly collars into all of Paris's dresses and teaching her what a nice pearl necklace really means.

Honorable Mention: Barack Obama
Though, not a woman and thus lacking my prerequisite (What? Could this have been a secret excuse to teach a mini-lesson on Women's History?), Barack Obama would be an excellent friend for Paris Hilton. In fact, he's an obvious choice. He's tall, really hot right now, and would look undeniably great carrying a teacup chihuahua in a pink sweater. Wildest thing he's done? He inhaled (because that was the point.) Secret he wouldn't want to come out when he's famous? Check this out: he's already famous. If he had a secret, we'd know it. Or at the very least Hillary Clinton knows it and we'll find out on April 21st. How would he fit into Paris's socialite circle? I see his role as mostly that of hope. As in, hoping she doesn't get arrested that evening.

Alright, I've got to go make my video for parisbff.com.

My Other Car is a Porsche

2008-03-13T12:28:00.004-04:00

If there's one thing I don't approve of, it's people who forget to blog on their appointed blog day.

If there's a second thing I don't approve of, it's bumper stickers. Not just for cars anymore, even facebook allows you to send your wittiest one-liners to all your friends, free of charge. Bumper stickers are dangerous for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that some people might come perilously close to rear-ending people while reading their bumper sticker... I mean, not that I would ever do something like that of course... Additionally, what if you get tired of letting everyone know that the more people you meet, the more you like your cat? And what if your honor student doesn't do so well this semester?

There are a number of different types of bumper stickers and I will inevitably forget to list some. So deal with it. But I will examine a few of the more popular.

Political
In an unofficial survey, it was discovered that people who live at my house are 67% more likely to cut someone off, or discount their presence on the road if they have a "W. The President." sticker in their window. Though, at this point I suppose a responsible driver should be more aware and allowing of their fellow "W" driver, as that person is clearly an idiot.

While political bumper stickers are the most popular type of bumper sticker (I assume. I don't really know), the danger of political bumper stickers is that your candidate might not pull it out. (See: Kentucky citizens with Ernie Fletcher bumper stickers)

Religious
Those little Ichthus fish are okay. Plus a really easy way to be just super awesome is to get one with little feet on it that says "Darwin." (Please note: In the previous sentence, "just super awesome" means "a douche.")

But, "God is my copilot" is saying exactly what to your fellow drivers? First of all, I am certain that the correct sentiment religiously should be that God is your driver. Additionally, what does it say about your driving? Clearly God is not going to allow any car he is riding in to have an accident. This throws up a giant red flag for me. And on this flag are printed the words, "I am not a careful driver."

Alcohol
Bumper stickers that indicate or promote the use of alcohol are barely worth mentioning because they are entirely ludicrous.

Some examples:
"Drive carefully. You might hit a bump and spill your beer."
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"

If you're dead set on getting a bumper sticker that deals with alcohol, might I suggest:

"Please, officer, pull me over and administer the Field Sobriety Test."

Isn't that what you're saying anyway?

The Ex/My Wife...
I sincerely hope that any wife whose husband drives a car that says, "My wife's other car is a broom stick" or "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she'll leave me. Gosh, I'll miss her," is absolutely covered with diamonds. Men, this bumper sticker screams, "I am an idiot. Avoid me on the road like you would a guy with a "W" sticker." (Bonus idiocy points if you have both.)

Additionally, why choose a sticker like, "My ex gave me a reason to live. I want revenge!" or "My ex is proof that evolution is a fairy tale."? Does this not say I am a bitter and vengeful woman who will not think twice about running men off the road? Look out, men. (Especially if this is paired with, "BITCH: Babe In Total Control of Herself" or "Not All Men are Annoying. Some are Dead.")

My Other Car Is...
Let me be clear. No one cares what your "other car" is. Because no one believes you are driving anything other than that old '95 Ford Taurus with the front headlight missing and the back bumper crumpled in.

How's My Driving?
I would be interested to know if anyone actually ever calls in to tell people how their driving is. Or if those are real numbers. What's nice about those is that they give the impression that you actually care what the other drivers on the road think.

What's not nice are any of the following:
"If you can't stand my driving, stay off the sidewalk!"
"Ever had a loaded weapon pointed at you? Keep honking!"
"There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead."

It's so good to know you care about those on the road around you.

But the winner (loser?) is...
Honorable Mention goes to the support ribbons (Support Farting? I think we might have crossed the threshold into supporting too many things. But thank you for doing so much for the war effort by adding that yellow troops magnetic ribbon to your car. I know our men in Iraq and Afghanistan really appreciate it. Almost as much as they'd appreciate supplies and armor.) But the number one car accoutrement that bothers me is the very first thing that any new parents seems to purchase. "Baby on Board" Oh my god, I'm so glad you put that in your window! I was just about to ram my car into yours for no reason. But now that I know there's a baby on board... Wow. Good thing I saw that sign.

Negative Attacks: The Next Generation

2008-03-05T14:01:00.004-05:00

As part of my ongoing series teaching you how to solve your problems and make the world a better place (see entry: Dance Dance Exculpation), I present part two: Attack Ads.

Attack Ads have been made popular by everyone's favorite humans: politicians. You may have even heard of or seen a few lately. Courtney Preston (shoutout) tells me there's some sort of election going on right now. I'm not really following it of course, as those of you who speak to me on a regular basis can confirm. However, I hear that there's some fur flying.

An attack ad is, according to Wikipedia, "an advertisement whose message is meant as an attack against another candidate." Apparently, the views stated in such an ad may or may not be true. The first attack ad was used against Barry Goldwater and featured a small girl picking daisies while a voice that sounded suspiciously similar to Barry Goldwater counted backwards from ten. And then BAM nuclear explosion. Another example is an attack ad used by George H.W. Bush which accused Dukakis of supporting criminals' rights to repeatedly stab and rape teenagers. (Sort of puts our current "attack" ads in perspective, though, right?)

But you know, we've all been there. We all have negative things to say about someone. As private citizens, we may not be trying to win an election, but we are trying to win this great contest of life (especially against old boyfriends, former best friends, and those popular bitchy girls from high school). Wouldn't it be great if after that bad breakup, you could take the money you were going to spend on therapy, gym memberships, and pints of ben and jerrys (or porn, for my male readers) and put it to something that will truly make you feel great? An ad, to be played on television or radio, that publicly denounces your former paramour and lists his or her faults for friends, family, and future girlfriends to see?

An example:

(photos of a happy looking man and woman are flashed on the screen, a dark and sinister voice begins...)
Tim Jones and Cindy Smith seemed happy. It appeared that Tim Jones was the perfect boyfriend.
(photos change to Tim Jones at bars, clubs, drunk, and always with other women. The voice continues...)
But when Tim Jones says he's going to shoot hoops with friends, does he really hit the bars with cheap women, drink too much, and then come home and throw up all over the afghan Cindy's grandma made her for her birthday? Is that the kind of boyfriend you'd want?
... Paid for Friends of Cindy Smith

But it certainly doesn't have to be limited to former boyfriends or girlfriends. A prime candidate that I am sure came to the mind of all of you who have been to college, or have read about college, or have watched Saved By The Bell: The College Years, is the roommate. At one point, every single person reading this has had something less than stellar to say about his or her roommate. My former roommates are all reading this and saying, "yes! you never do the dishes!"

An example:
(Pictures of a pristine, well kept apartment flash on the screen. A dark and sinister voice begins...)
Julie Thompson's apartment used to look like this. Until Sarah Anderson moved in.
(Photos change to same apartment, covered with clothes, empty fast food containers, cans, and bottles. The voice continues...)
Sarah Anderson has loud parties at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday when Julie has a test in the morning. Sarah Anderson uses all of the toilet paper in the house and doesn't tell Julie until after she's found out the hard way. Sarah Anderson painted the whole living room with chartreuse and fuschia stripes one day while Julie was at work. Sarah Anderson always flushes the toilet while Julie's in the shower. Could you live with this girl?
... paid for by Roommates for the Eviction of Sarah Anderson

Some of you are now lamenting that you don't have roommates or emotional baggage from past relationships and feel that your potential for attack ads is severely limited by this. I beg to differ. My law school classmates should feel free to make attack ads against those at the top of the class. If you are married, consider an ad to change undesirable behavior in your spouse ("John Stevenson said he'd mow the lawn on Saturday..." "Andy Johnston promised his wife he'd paint the kitchen..." "Stephanie Lewis thinks 'making dinner' means 'ordering pizza'...") Matt Kellner or The Pocket Part could make attack ads against my blog (you should start with something like, "Anna thinks she's so clever and witty..."). A particularly applicable situation to those of you in the working world that regularly peruse my blog on company time (cough Kelsey cough) would be competition amongst co-workers for a promotion.

An example:
(Black screen. Lights come on to reveal an office setting full of cubicles. A dark and sinister voice begins...)
Evan Stevens says he works late. If you consider constantly checking sports scores, secretly dating the boss's daughter, and using the phones to call his brother studying abroad in China valid uses of company time. I also saw him steal a package of post-its once.
... paid for by People for the Promotion of Mike Donaldson to Associate Director of Sales

What Dance Dance Revolution has (I'm sure) already done for your lives in terms of conflict resolution (and exercise!), the potential for Personal Negative Attack Ads will do for your ability to purge your hatred and frustration (and simultaneously slash your former friends and lovers' chances as future happiness!) Think of it as helping their loved ones (or potential dates) to make informed decisions.

The Five Things That Make Men Hot

2008-02-27T18:21:00.003-05:00

or, Another of Anna's Brilliant Theories

Disclaimer:
Prior to writing my blog entry each week, I like to run my topic past one or two people, generally whoever happens to be either at my table in the library or available on instant messenger. If they laugh, then I figure I'm on the right track. This week I had mixed responses:

Renee Ferrell: "Well, if you can't think of anything better."
Sarah Walling: "Oooh. I like your universal truths... they are... well... universal..."

So, do with that what you will.

The Five Things That Make Men Hot

To begin with, I would like to mention that there are numerous meanings to the term, "hot." Webster's Dictionary... okay, dictionary.com, defines Hot in about 78,000 different ways. The way I see it, there are a limited number of categories of hotness:

Al Roker Hot
This refers to "temperature hot" as in the weather or a hot cup of coffee.
Ex: It's going to be a hot one today folks, leave the sweaters at home! Haha, I'm such a funny weatherman.

Emeril Hot
This refers to "spicy hot" as in curry or chili peppers.
Ex: Anna loves the potato soup at Chili's because it is so hot. She'd love to go there tonight when you get out of your writing classes.

Bobby Knight Hot
This refers to "angry hot" as in that call was so bad, I want to throw a chair at your face.
Ex: Some of the things Ann Coulter says make me so hot.

Jenna Jameson Hot
This refers to what dictionary.com calls: "slang. sexually aroused; lustful"
Ex: Some of the things Ann Coulter says make me so hot. (This is only in specific cases, such as a certain ex-boyfriend of mine with a giant poster of her in his bedroom.)

Paris Hilton Hot
This refers to things that are "new; fresh; very cool."
Ex: "That's hot." - Paris Hilton

George Clooney Hot
This refers to what dictionary.com considers, "slang. sexy; attractive."
Ex: Did you read Anna's blog entry about the five things that make guys hot?

Clearly, throughout the remainder of the blawg, you should refer to the final definition.

And now... The Five Things.

#1: Guitars
A guitar is the representative sample of musical ability. Musical Ability is very hot. It's 90% of the reason why men like Ozzie Osbourne continue to get laid (10%- money). (Musical Ability is why really nice girls date guys in bands that their friend, Darnell, will make fun of 6 years later.) It does matter, however, what your musical ability is. Electric Guitar? Hot... Piano? Sensitive and Hot... Kazoos? Definitely Not Hot.
Examples: Jon Bon Jovi, Joe Perry (my secret rockstar boyfriend), Jim Morrison

#2: Accents
Accents are the representative sample of nothing. Accents stand alone. Accents are hot. I, of course, mean nice, splendid accents. Not backwoods Georgia accents (my apologies to my loyal Georgia fanbase) but delightful accents. Accents in which you'd make him read you everything in your house, even your credit card statement, and you'd be ever so pleased.
Examples: Clive Owen, Collin Firth, Sean Connery

#3: Uniforms
Oh, uniforms. This category also includes tuxedos, or nice suits. This category does not include any employee uniform from a fast food establishment. No, I do not want fries with that silly pointy hat. In an informal survey of all the women in my household (me), uniforms and formal attire make the average male 57% hotter. That means if you're normally a 7, you could become a 10(+). Now, that's math worth doing.
Examples: Men in Uniform, Groomsmen

#4: Motorcycles
This category includes nice transportation in general. We've come along way from being 16 when a boy having a car was a big deal to a place where the importance is placed on nice, fancy cars. 1998 Mercury Tracer? Not Hot. Cadillac CTS? Hot. Hyundai Santa Fe? Okay, that can count. (There, Darnell, are you happy? You're an example.)

#5: Kids/Pets or Sports
This category rotates depending on what sort of mood I'm in when I relay my theory. Sports are an obvious choice (see Tom Brady, David Beckham), so I don't like to include them when I'm desirous of being thought-provoking and mysterious, which is fairly often. Kids/pets though require a little more explaining. To begin with, having kids is really not all that hot. I prefer kids that can be given back at the end of the day. So having nieces and nephews or godchildren or friends' kids, liking them, and being good with them- this is hot. Additionally, having a dog is hot. But with most things, you do have to consider the type of dog. Poodle? Not Hot. Rottweiler? Scary. Chocolate Lab? Now, that's a hot dog. (pun intended)

So, go ahead men. Take my advice to heart, restructure your life around it.

Law School Prom

2008-02-19T15:54:00.006-05:00

Please note: The picture on the right was used with the express consent of both Courtney Preston, owner of said picture and all around wonderful person, and Todd Allen, featured in said picture. The picture on the left is owned by myself and the express consent of my senior prom date was not received or even attempted. Mostly because, for the most part, I have no idea what happened to him or where he is.

Prom

Most people have terrible prom stories. Or at least most people I know. Because let's face it, if you're my friend now (especially you law school people), you might not have exactly been the coolest in High School. Kudos to you if you were, but I have the sneaking suspicion that most people are nodding vehemently right now. Fortunately, despite being very into Drama Club, and in AP classes, and the only girl on the Academic Team ("There's nothing cooler than being on the Academic Team from 3rd through 12th grade." - the wise Miss Langdon Ryan), I had the added delusion of thinking I was way cool. So, I'm not going to lie. My prom was awesome. I remember being seventeen and thinking that my prom was the most magical night of my life. And I guess that probably still stands, because I'm older and much more cynical now, so I'm sad to say I probably haven't had a night that would live up to my seventeen year-old concept of magic.

That depressing thought aside, I clearly totally bought into the whole "prom is the best night of your life" mentality, despite the fact that I would have thought you absurd if you said that to me at the time, and some of you are probably finding that absurd now. So fortunately for me, but most likely unfortunately for others, the Student Bar Association gave us the opportunity to relive our most painful/fantastic memories. But, how did it stack up? I'm sure this is a question you've all been struggling with since Saturday, or you in my cyberspace fan club have been nervously awaiting the answer to, so I will provide this- my all-inclusive guide to the difference between prom at 17 and prom at 23.

It is important to note that things are sort of fuzzy for me in places, either due to memory or tequila. Keep that in mind when you read my analysis. (I usually include this disclaimer on all my exam questions.)

Category #1: Date
High School- Jess Bradshaw. Jess was totally my boyfriend and I was way smitten. He was in a band and I thought he was very cool in that Chuck Taylors/video games kind of way. I mean, what girl doesn't consider herself lucky to have her prom date show up in a top hat with a cane? Right? .... RIGHT?

Law School- Todd, who is my very best law school friend. I know that a lot of you were vying for this honor, but I'm taking this opportunity to publicly announce to all my readers that Todd has won. That does not mean that I am not open to all sorts of gifts to try to influence my opinion. (Please note: Chris Whitfield, this does not excuse you from the guilt gifts you already owe me. If you wish to compete, you will need additional gifts.) In addition to being awesome, Todd is also a great dancer, hilarious for dinner conversation, and offered to drive.

Winner: Law School. Sorry Jess, but Todd is everything a great date should be. In fact, if Law School doesn't work out, he could probably start some sort of professional date business. Though, I think that's borderline illegal.

Category #2: Dinner
High School- I don't actually remember anything about this. I do have a number of pictures of things like Sweet and Low packet houses and all of us sitting around with spoons on our noses.

Law School- Vinaigrette gravy... incredibly dry chicken (but not the driest ever, says Todd) and on... a bed of beef? Though some people did have the other option: beef on a bed of chicken.

Winner: High School If I don't remember it, it obviously wasn't that bad. Law school prom food on the other hand...

Category #3: Dress
High School- My high school prom dress was blue, strapless, relatively non-descript. Langdon also pointed out that my hair is "so prom." Wow, Langdon, you're getting a lot of shoutouts today.

Law School- In reflecting on Saturday's pictures, my law school dress can pretty much be summed up in one word: boobs.

Winner: Law School Not only was the color better, but I definitely did not have the necessary um... uh... features to fill out my high school prom dress. Also, it bears mentioning, who the hell let high school me out of the house in that lipstick?

Category #4: Music
High School- Our High School Prom song was "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin. Now, "Take My Breath Away" came out in 1986 and I came out in 1984, so I don't have a lot of touching memories of the first go-round of this song. "Awww, I remember when this song was popular, I was in diapers!!!" No. I was not watching Top Gun, I was watching Sesame Street. To their credit though, it was right about the time that the Jessica Simpson version came out. So at least they didn't pick that.

Law School- I have a vague memory of certain songs, like the poorly organized Electric Slide (you'd think a room full of law students could figure out how to face the same direction) and the terribly complicated Cha Cha Slide (this should probably have been played earlier in the night when most people still knew their right from their left).

Winner: I feel there's really no clear winner of this category. Though, Honorable Mention will go to Law School because there was enough alcohol to actually entice me to back that thang up.

Category #5: The All-Important After Party
High School- A small anecdote bears mentioning, with the hope that neither of these people read my blawg, but it colors the analysis of this category. For several weeks my friend, we'll say Scott, had told us he was planning to break up with his girlfriend after prom. Unbeknownst to the rest of us, he meant IMMEDIATELY after prom. As in, in the car on the way to the Party. And then he chose the quintessential post-prom movie The Big Chill. To be sure, this definitely ruined the mood and we sat in mostly silence, either too depressed by the movie or made too uncomfortable by the glaring ex-girlfriend to do what we really wanted to do, which was of course make out. (To be fair, this end goal for the evening was clearly the same for both High School Prom and Law School Prom.)

Law School- Chinoe Pub. There is nothing like making friends with middle aged drunk people in a crowded bar at 2 in the morning while wearing prom dresses.

Winner: Law School. I obviously choose alcohol over drama, and karaoke over sadness.

Results:
I am understandably surprised to see that Law School nearly swept the categories. Must have been the friends. Certainly couldn't have been the influence of the open bar.

Please note: There is no category for drama. Law School would clearly win that as well.

Also, one final thing. Just because I blogged on Tuesday this week doesn't mean you should expect it regularly.

The Day of St. Valentine

2008-02-13T14:38:00.004-05:00

or A Perfectly Fine Thursday That Will Inevitably Be Ruined

The first thing that I want to say about Valentine's Day is that there is pretty much no way it can ever go well. Someone is unhappy, regardless of how hard you try.

For example:

Ideal Valentine's Scenario #1
Gentlemen, you pick your significant female presence up for dinner, give her flowers, and take her to her favorite restaurant. While there, you instruct her to order anything she likes, which she does, and you give her a lovely diamond pendant necklace.

She's happy, and you're happy she's happy, right? WRONG.
Have you seen the bill for this dinner? Let me just say right now, your girlfriend's favorite restaurant is NEVER going to be cheap.

Ideal Valentine's Scenario #2
You make your girlfriend/wife/mistress dinner at home. You set up candles, nice music. It's very romantic and lovely.

Everyone's happy, right?
WRONG
Why didn't you take her out to dinner?

Ideal Valentine's Scenario #3. This one is for the ladies.
You rent your boyfriend's favorite movie (inevitably something with Steven Seagal), pop a bowl of popcorn, and put on something sexy and cuddle on the couch while you watch together.

This is a trick question because it seems like a win-win. It has cuddling, it has movies with explosions. But ladies, at the end of the day, you still had to watch Under Siege 2: Dark Territory.

From these examples, you should have learned there's no way to get this right. This is one of the ways that Valentine's Day is like Lawson's Civil Procedure class.

Now, you may be thinking, "Gee, she's bitter about Valentine's Day. Those crazy bitter single gals this time of year!" No. Just because I'm doing laundry tomorrow doesn't mean I'm upset about it. I enjoy a good love story as much as the next girl. I mean, for example, a story Lance recently sent me: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/02/07/witaly107.xml
How can you read such a touching story and not be moved by the power of love? I mean, what 13 year-old girl doesn't dream of finding true love with a 34 year-old butcher after a "sexual encounter" in his car? I mean, come on, there was a "deep tenderness" between them. (Insert sexual joke in extremely poor taste here.)

So now that I have adequately demonstrated both my fondness for true love and my great wisdom about the inevitability of unhappiness on this, the second most made up holiday of the year (Sweetest Day is clearly first), I shall impart to you my suggestions for making the most of your Valentine's experience.

Five Things To Do On Valentine's Day:
1. Buy the author of your favorite blog a gift. She prefers things that are more long-lasting but would settle for flowers, candy, candygrams, or a nice card.

2. Call, e-mail, skywrite to, or text your significant other first thing to wish them a Happy Valentine's Day. This only applies if you are the "boy" in the relationship, regardless of whether or not you are actually male. Take note of this, Renee.

3. Figure out where the apostrophe actually goes in the word "Valentines" I mean, I'm only guessing I'm right. But, as a reader of my blog you know I am usually right.

4. Drink. Liquor is a universal necessity for Valentine's Day. Bonus: If you're one of those people who gets depressed about being single, then you can either a) drink until you pass out and you don't even know your own name much less that you're single or b) go to a local bar full of similarly minded people, meet one, drink a lot, and then not be single again. At least until the next morning or until his or her cab comes.

5. Really take your time to come up with an excellent gift. Some things that are sort of lame as far as gifts go are flowers and chocolate. Sure it's easy, and sure every big retail chain and every commercial are suggesting that's what you give, but think about it. Flowers die. Chocolate makes you gain a lot of weight and so close to Spring Break! Hard to look good in your bathing suit when you have a thoughtless significant other who gave you a box of chocolate that you clearly had to eat. That being said, if you are planning to give your significant other flowers or chocolate, good for you! You can reap those "at least he tried" bonus points. One thing you should never ever do is wait until the day after Valentine's Day and buy a stuffed animal that is on clearance and give it to your girlfriend. I'm not naming any names, but you know who you are.

Remember tomorrow night when you are celebrating with your significant other how much you really owe to me, my blog, and my vast expertise on terrible Valentine's Days.

Dance Dance Exculplation

2008-02-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

or How to Make the World a Better Place

So all day I've been searching news sites and racking my brain for a great blog topic for this week. Frustrated, I have thrown up my hands and said, "Why isn't anything going on in the world!?!?!!?!"

This is, of course, ludicrous.

I mean, when you think about it, there are a number of things that are actually happening in the world. Elections, Tornadoes, poor Heath Ledger, more Elections, and also Elections. But the problem with these things is that, while interesting/tragic, they aren't, you know, amusing. (Except for the things Ron Paul says)

But then the citizens of Milford, New Hampshire provided me with a glimpse of the future, a utopic society of dance dancing. This week, librarians offered their patrons a chance to dance dance away their library fines by challenging said librarians to a game of the ever popular Dance Dance Revolution. (For those who don't know, Dance Dance Revolution is some sort of giant video game that requires you to dance around on colored symbols while it ridicules you for your inability to play the game by flashing things like, "Boo!" and "Maybe try Guitar Hero instead!" It might also praise you if you're good at it, but I wouldn't know.)

And so, I ask you. Wouldn't the world truly be a better place if all we had to do was dance dance away our transgressions? Patrons merely had to score better than the librarian they had challenged which probably wasn't really that hard... I mean, think of the librarians you know!

I feel there are a number of situations where dance dancing to get off the hook could be applied.

Clearly, the first one that comes to my mind is that oh so rare occasion where you might not be so prepared for class and you happened to get called on. Come on, we've all been there. Maybe you watched a movie instead of reading for Con Law or valued the Super Bowl over the Contracts assignment or did pretty much anything else (scrubbing toilets, eating bugs) to put off the Civ Pro assignment, but you know it's happened at least once. But picture this: Professor Lawson raises his right arm and points to you but oh no! You haven't read and you begin to panic. But fortunately, if you are able to score just one grade higher than Lawson on Dance Dance Revolution, he will move on to the next person. He gets out the mat, the colored symbol things project onto the big screen and it's on! Except I can't even fathom the person who would be able to beat Bob. I bet he's a DDR genius.

Another time it could be useful, and a timely suggestion, given Valentines Day is next week, is in relationship troubles. Say, for example, you were to forget a birthday/anniversary or commit a minor transgression such as, say, telling your girlfriend that she really looked like she was stuffed into the skinny jeans she was so proud to get into. She would get mad and you would say, "okay, honey, let's dance dance this out." It would save you hurt feelings, harsh words, slammed doors, expensive guilt flowers. And then at the end of the song, whoever wins is the winner of the fight. And then you can mark it down on your tally board.

Other times Dance Dance Revolution would be a useful means of conflict resolution:
Late Payments on Utility Bills/Rent (benefit: if you win, you don't have to pay the bills)
Forgotten/Late Assignment at Work
Roommate Dispute (if you win, your roommate has to pay for your beer that he drank)
Traffic Accident
Adverse Possession Claims

There is, as I see it, a major flaw with this plan and it's that I'm really bad at dance dancing. I could just use this as a reason to be agreeable and not prone to conflict, but really, there's little to no chance of that happening, so to solve this problem, I would propose that Karaoke be an appropriate replacement for Dance Dance Revolution. We'll call this the Bowles Substitution in honor of Mr. Dane Bowles, the King of Karaoke (pictured above).

Consider, fellow law students and other readers who are familiar with what lawyers do, how this would revolutionize our profession! Though, you'd have to get a pretty big DDR mat for class-action suits.

It's going to change the rest of your life, folks. Better start practicing.

It's All Down Hill From Here

2008-01-30T14:17:00.001-05:00

or, It's Going to Be a Busy Week

This time next week, it will all be over. Ooooh, ominous! But the fact of the matter is, there is an event next week that will completely affect at least the next few weeks, if not the rest of your life. I cannot underestimate the importance of the decision that literally millions of Americans will be making next Tuesday.

I am of course referring to deciding what you will give up for Lent. (Also, there's some sort of political thing.)

All the Heathens, Heretics, and Pagans who read this might need to take a moment to wiki Lent

I'll wait.

-------------

Welcome back! So now that everyone knows that Lent is a depressing Christian month(+) of abstinence, etc, we're all on the same page. But probably you either already were, or now are really worried about deciding what to give up. Maybe you didn't realize that the deadline was coming up so soon! But why do you read this blog? Clearly, it is because you seek my advice. I am your sage.

Some Common Items to Give Up for Lent: soda, chocolate, snacking, cigarettes, desserts. About these things I say, come on? Where's the challenge? And really, isn't that just giving up things you probably shouldn't do in the first place? Are you really comfortable with using God as an excuse to give up drinking 8 Mountain Dews a day?

Something common, but perhaps slightly more challenging, or perhaps VERY EASY for some of us, is sex. A lot of people give up sex. (See: Terrible Josh Hartnett movie) I seriously recommend this as an option if you are a monk, nun, law student, or in any other traditionally celibate sect. Otherwise, I'd skip it and go with one of my next suggestions. (Please note: If you do decide to give up sex, please stay away from me. I don't want to deal with your attitude.)

Awesome and Challenging Things You Can Give Up For Lent:
shoes
forks
reading (all reading, even street signs)
the letter N
speaking
using one of your hands
glasses/contacts
red dye #5 (harder than you'd think)

Things No One Should Give Up For Lent:
showers
Snickers bars
deodorant
Writing in their Blog (this one only applies to me)
Scrabulous (but you could give up harassing your friends to make their move, Darnell McCoy)
AOL Instant Messenger during the day (you know who you are)

Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to need to impart my truly important wisdom:

How to Make the Most of the Time You Have Left

I certainly don't mean to be an alarmist but WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST SITTING THERE??? YOU ONLY HAVE SIX DAYS LEFT BEFORE LENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I figure today is pretty shot already. I mean, tonight you'll be busy e-mailing all your friends the link to my blog (http://annasblawg.blogspot.com) and chuckling to yourself at my quiet, clever humor.

But tomorrow is wide open. And the first thing you'll want to do is spend at least three hours doing whatever it is you've decided to give up. If it's Snickers Bars, then first of all, why didn't you take my advice, and secondly you'll want to binge eat them for the next 6 days. Then you'll want to spend some time googling last minute trips to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Then you'll probably have to spend a little time feeling sad that you can't afford to go, to miss class/work, and that you're stuck eating faux caijun food in a boring town.

And then we have- The Weekend. Now, the #1 person I would go to for advice on how to really make the most of your weekend is none other than the lovely Ms. Amber Swain. But, being unable to see her from my seat and unwilling to go look around the library for her, I'll just have to point you in the right direction for advice (this is sort of like outsourcing). The most important thing about your pre-Lent weekend is that when people ask you on Monday what you did, you have no idea.

Monday- On Monday you'll need to start to make plans for local Mardi Gras. I recommend Joe's OK Bayou (ah, what a clever name) and please take me with you. Additionally, it is perfectly acceptable to start celebrating Mardi Gras on Monday. (For all you language buffs out there, this would be Lundi Gras. It has a nice ring to it, right?)

Mardi Gras- It will be important to wear a large number of beads and really enjoy yourself. Sip a hurricane in Contracts class, you know Professor Frost won't mind. It is probably not advisable to throw beads at your professors, employers, or coworkers. But if you try it, please do it in a class you have with me, or at least bring me a picture. Equally important: consume a large number of crawfish. Attempt to not find their eyes disgusting.

Remember, after Tuesday, it is all over. You'll have to go to church, get that ashy cross drawn on your forehead and stop wearing shoes or speaking. Or stop raising your hand in class, as I hope some of you will (not mentioning any names).

Good luck!

The Tequila Law

2008-01-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

Today, I have found myself to have a severe case of writer's block. Though I wanted initially to only write about law school related things, I have been encouraged to commit to writing my ten step theory of sexual activity.

"Everyone in law school wants to bump uglies. It's applicable." - Anonymous

The Baseball Theory
To begin with, I will spell out for you the Common Law Theory of Bases in relation to sexual activity. My information comes from urbandictionary.com. But don't worry, I will leave out the pictures they have felt necessary to include.

First base- "the first step in a sexual relationship involving making out or french kissing"

I think we can all agree that first base is pretty clear. But after this, I feel it gets fuzzy, and is open to many different interpretations. The bases are ambiguous, everyone has a different perception of what base is what. Here is where I would insert data from a poll of our classmates. But I am in class, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Second base- "One step up of First Base, heavy petting and feeling up while making out, up the shirt or shirtless for both partners."

Third base- Urban dictionary defines this as "the third degree of the bases theory." But, what does that include? The way I see it, there are a number of things that could follow second base. And what is home? See all the problems?

And thus was born, one afternoon many years ago, in the company of my good friends who probably wish to remain nameless, The Ten Step Theory of Sexual Activity, or what shall heretofore be known as The Tequila Law in honor of how quickly Tequila allows you to move up the scale. Or so I've heard.

Tequila Law

1- Kissing. This is just a regular, run of the mill kiss. I feel this is self-explanatory. Think of it as the gateway to the scale. Men do already.

2- French Kissing/Making Out. This kiss, for lack of a more eloquent way to phrase it, involves tongue.

3- Necking. What does this mean? Your scale is just as confusing! I assume this is what you are thinking now. And this, I will admit is subject to interpretation. Do I mean what your grandma calls anything after holding hands? What do I mean? To be all encompassing, necking involves lips and a part of the body not covered by a number higher up on the scale. (See also activities that occurred at places called Lovers' Lane or Lookout Point in any teenage movie or television show from the 50's and 60's.)

4- Groping(a) - This involves clothing. "A little over the sweater action." - Will and Grace
I can't believe I just quoted Will and Grace.

5- Groping(b)- This does not involve clothing.

6-7- These numbers encompass what we will politely refer to "Manual Pleasures." That's all I'm going to say about that.

8-9- If 6 and 7 were those sort of pleasures, I'm sure you can imagine what 8 and 9 might be. Oh, wait, don't start imagining. I want you to finish reading the rest of this entry. We'll continue the theme and say, "Oral Pleasures."

10- Sex.

11- "Non-traditional methods." We're adults. You know what this includes.

There are several benefits to codifying the Tequila Law over the Common Law Baseball Theory:

1. Conversation. "So and so went to third base with So and so." This will stop rumors. Because of the ambiguity of the Baseball Theory, that could mean ANYTHING. But if you use the Tequila Law, you can say, "oh, they went to 5" and then there will be no confusion.

2. Simplicity. At least once you memorize the scale.

So basically, that is the gist of the theory. Use it well. Or at least just use it!

And now everyone will think I'm a whore. Here's hoping my mom reads this!

2008-01-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

Going Upstairs to Go Downstairs to Go Upstairs to Go Downstairs
or Your Guide to the Law Library

Once you enter the law library, there are a number of options to maximize your studying capabilities. It's sort of an overwhelming decision and it's made especially difficult by the fact that there is no Treatise or Hornbook to help you, and Emmanuel just hasn't gotten around to it yet. But don't worry! I am here to break down for you the different options and experiences of the Law Library so you can most accurately surmise for yourself where you should sit. (Don't forget to brief!)

The Lobby:
The Lobby is an especially popular choice in a common situation such as, you have an hour between class and you've gone to Jimmy Johns and now you only have 20 minutes to finish your reading. An added bonus of the lobby is that you can overhear incredibly random and often ridiculous statements. An example of a ridiculous statement someone might make is "I would like to amend the Constitution to reflect God's law." (ah, note the subtle political humor) The kind of studying most common in this area is known as "socializing."

The Kentucky Section:
This, as you might have noticed, is a rather exclusive study area. To gain entry to this area, it seems to help if you are a 1L, male, and a Federalist. However, if your political beliefs are more in line with my own, it is perfectly acceptable to sit here if you enjoy a challenge. You'll find the Kentucky section denizens welcoming, don't misunderstand me, but you will soon learn, to quote a resident of this section, they're "coming for your rights!" The kind of studying most common in this area is known as "political debate."

The Reading Room:
In general, it's a pretty terrible idea to study here. There's a lot of discussing of "homework" or sharing of youtube videos, and just generally a lot of laughter. And if people are laughing, you know they're not reading. (Sidenote: crying is generally a good indicator of studying though.) This is a great place to study if what you're really interested in doing is making dinner plans, hearing funny stories, or listening to people complain about the amount of work they have to do. The kind of studying most common in this area is known as "not studying." "Computer games" is a close second. (or apparently "bLAWgging") (Sidenote: An exception to my general dislike for the Reading Room is the tables by the windows. Sometimes people fall down outside and come on, that's just funny.)

The Basement:
There are five options for basement studying. You might not have realized it's such a plethora of opportunity, but really, it is.
(1) The Large Room with the Carrels. This is the first and clearly the most obvious place to study in the basement. Advantage: Natural Light- you are able to see the day pass by while you slave away over your casebooks. Disadvantage: Absolutely Silent. EXCEPT FOR THE INCESSANT CLACKING OF LTL'S KEYS. (Sidenote: LTL of course refers to everyone's favorite library squatter- Loud Typing Lady)
(2) Private Carrels Against the Wall. Advantage: It's quiet and you can actually get work done. Disadvantage: If you pass out into your CivPro book and hit your head on the desk, no one would ever know and you might die. And, let's face it. Law School is at least > Death. Most days.
(3) Individual Study Room. It is not okay to use this room for one person. I repeat, it is not okay to totally bogart this room and kick study groups out in the cold. That is just poor library etiquette. However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt, because I hadn't published this yet, and you were probably unaware that there were so many other options. But from here on out, one person does not a study group make.
Hold on while I climb down off my soapbox.
(4) Couches. This is the perfect place to study! Provided what you really want to do is fall asleep.
(5) Microfiche Room. Advantage: Everything. White board which is very convenient in case you need things explained to you (similarly convenient that David Riley is almost always right outside in the big room for explaining). Private so you can listen to your super awesome Boyz II Men Greatest Hits CD without headphones and without disturbing anyone. Though, really, who would be disturbed by Boyz II Men. Large table. Many chairs. Outlets. Disadvantage: No windows. Hours can pass by and you'd never know (provided you also never learned to tell time) because really, time flies when you're reading CivPro. And also, nothing to stare out and daydream. And I would suggest bringing a fan, it can get a little stuffy.

The Second Floor:
I have to admit that I'm not terribly well-versed on the ins and outs of the second floor. I tried it a few times, but it's not really for me. But there are several options up there as well.
(1) Carrels- This is a really great place to catch a nap between classes. It's quiet, generally people don't bother you, and the lines on your face usually wear off by the time you get back downstairs. Plus no one can see you if you look really ridiculous when you sleep. I mean, this is a good place to study... It's alright, but the configuration of the carrel makes it way too easy to pass notes. And if you have a query (Sidenote: I just used this word to score 34 points in Scrabulous against James Cash. Sorry, James. Also, if you don't have Scrabulous, get it.), you generally must go downstairs, sometimes even to the basement to ask someone reputable.
(2) Tables- The advantage of the tables is that, if you have a loud conversation on your cell phone, you definitely cannot be heard by everyone in the entire library. Wait. That seems counterintuitive... at least to me.

Some general library suggestions:
1. Prepare before entering. Get all the books and snacks you'll need and for god's sake use the restroom. This is especially important if you are planning to go anywhere else other than the Reading Room or Lobby. Otherwise you're going to get all settled in, realize you need your beloved copy of the UCC and have to go upstairs, exit the lobby, go downstairs to your locker, then go back upstairs to the library and then BACK DOWNSTAIRS to your carrel/table/study room (provided you're with a group).

2. Combine your trips. This is for those of you who failed to pay attention to my first suggestion. Let me just say, there is nothing worse then returning from your locker, then realizing you need animal crackers from the SBA office (delicious! and only 50 cents!) and have to retrace your ridiculous circuit.

3. Wear headphones. Even if you aren't listening to music, you look like you are. And often this is a great way to overhear hilarious things.

4. Sit with others. This just makes you look cool. And, it gives you a great out for not reading. "I would have read that Property assignment during my break, but I was sitting with Anna and she just kept talking to me!" I mean, really, how many times have you said that? See what I mean?

5. Be mindful of library etiquette and aware of your surroundings. Helpful tip: You're disturbing the person at the next table if they keep glaring at you and sighing.

Well, that does it. I have to say, your relief is palpable. Never before has someone compiled such a thorough and illuminating guide for you. I predict it will be inserted in all the Orientation packets. Without a doubt.

Time Management Lessons for Your Three Weeks of Freedom

2007-12-24T02:29:00.000-05:00

or Some Thoughts on the Pointlessness of Boredom

Okay, so despite intense pressure from someone who I will not name (but merely say his or her name rhymes with Schmodd Schmallen), I have not "blogged" yet over this break. I have had some thoughts about entries, but mostly just about my cat since now that I'm just laying on the couch, I'm seeing a lot of him. But, seriously, who wants to be the loser who "blogs" about her cat? However, as I have worked dilligently at wasting time over the last week, I thought about my classmates and frankly, I am concerned. Some of them seem to be using this time to visit family and friends or do things they might have neglected over the last month or so. And, truly, I am disappointed. But then, it hit me. Perhaps they could benefit from my extreme wisdom in the area of totally squandering the only real time off we'll have until May. Maybe they simply do not realize it is possible to achieve a complete zen of laziness.

And so, my dear classmates and friends, I present to you my helpful scheduling suggestions for Christmas Break Time Management:

12:00 p.m. (noon)--- Day Begins. I like to start the day by seeing if anything is on tv, from the warm comfort of my bed. This hour of the day can also be spent continuing to sleep, or, if you're desperate, reading a book.

1:00 p.m. --- Finish watching this particular hour of whatever countdown special VH1 has on (or reading your book, but come on, let's be realistic), decide that not only did Baby Got Back deserve a higher spot on the list of greatest 90's songs than Vogue but that you're hungry, and head to the kitchen.

1-2:00 p.m. --- Make some sort of instant meal such as spaghetti-o's, a sandwich, a lunchable, or something that was leftover from a previous meal (such as pizza, or chinese takeout). While preparing what will undoubtedly be a culinary masterpiece, dance and sing a song from the countdown. When choosing the song, consider the options and go with what would be the most embarassing if your roommate, pet, and/or grandmother were to see you. I suggest, "I Want It That Way" Enjoy your meal on the couch, or for the overachievers, back in bed.

2- 3:00 p.m. --- Take a nap. It's important to really achieve the right ratio of sleep to wake during a break such as this. Think of it this way, in April, during your 9th straight hour studying CivPro in a basement carrel, you'll be glad you took the time to catch up on your sleep now. I like to think of it as an investment in the happiness of Future Anna.

3-5:00 p.m. --- Free Time. This is a flexible time that you can do with what you wish. Some suggestions: video games, computer games, movie, or rest of VH1 countdown. You may also choose to sleep during this time. Facebook is always an option of course, but a word of caution: 2 hours may not be enough time to grow tired of searching the profiles of friends, strangers, or underage girls (for some of you. I won't judge, but Chris Hansen is watching, and you certainly don't want to end up on Dateline.) If you choose Facebook, please do remember you are on a strict schedule of laziness and even if you haven't completed your last Scrabulous move by 5:00, there are other things to do.

5-5:10 p.m. --- Observe the general lack of cleanliness of your house, apartment, bunker, or luxury condominium. Decide to put off cleaning. Your Future Self can handle this. And anyway, he or she owes you for all the sleep you're banking for them.

5:10 - 6:00 p.m. --- Nap.

6:00 p.m. --- Awake to cell phone ringing. Decide to answer as it is one of your more motivated classmates/friends who is suggesting dinner plans. Be sure to ask them first why they're not reading this blog and following my strict instructions, then listen to their dinner plans. Briefly weigh what they have planned versus continuing the nap. But hey, if I've learned anything from Rally's, it's that you gotta eat. (that and, it's really awkward to go through the right side drive thru without a passenger) Reluctantly shower and become presentable.

7:00 p.m. - 11:00 p.m. --- Group Time Waste. Whether it is a long dinner, movie, several beers, some sort of televised sporting event, or simply laying on your friend's couch for these four hours, it is very important that nothing productive actually occur. This may prove difficult to accomplish, because a friend that is motivated enough to make dinner plans might not be a Time Waster and you might have to carry the team. But I have faith in you.

11:00 p.m. - 2:00 a.m. --- The Perfect Time for Facebook. Be sure to send me a "My Christmas Tree" virtual gift as a thank you for totally restructuring your life.

2:00 a.m. - 3:00 a.m. --- Infomercials. Try to find the "Bahamavention" commercial. It totally changed my life. But once you have determined that you really do not need a mop that cleans the ceiling all by itself, knives that chop through firemen poles, or a blender that can puree rocks, you should probably consider going to bed. I mean, at this point, it has been roughly nine hours since you last slept, and you have a duty. If you do not feel prepared at this point for bed, some other options for your time are Facebook (clearly), "blogging" or "blawging" (I have heard some people do this extremely late at night...), YouTube or Gimme Friction Baby.

12:00 p.m. --- Repeat.

***Please note that it is of course possible to replace the evening activities with drinking at a bar, but that is expensive and it really cuts down on your Facebook time. Your 3rd grade crush isn't just going to e-stalk herself, now is she?

What more is there to say but you're welcome.

Procrastination

2007-12-11T18:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, I don't have anything to say yet. Well, that's not technically true. I just don't have any time to write right now. Unless you think Professor Davis would just give me an A in Torts automatically for figuring out how to set up a blog?

I'm feeling a lot of pressure to be funny.